A
female
age
41-50,
*luerose101
writes:I have been married a year and a half been with my husband for 5 years. I am 25years old. When we got married i moved to a differnet part of the city and found it hard to make new friends, my old firends and i have grown apart as they see me diffrently now, im the only married one in the group i have tried reaching out to them with no luck.My proplem is that i am terribly lonely, my husband no longer wants to be around me he has made a social network for himself which clearly i am not welcomed.Soon everything changed mostly important being we no longer sleep together and havent for nearly a year. no kissing or affection of any kind.we argue all the time i have grown very resentful of him as i feel he has excluded me, this has also given me low self asteem.it has gotten so bad that i'm thinking of leaving please help x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): Know that what your husband is doing, withholding love and affection (maybe even sex) and not sleeping with you and having a seperate social life where you are never included is a violation of your relationship.
He already is behaving as if he has left the marriage and that is not fair to you. Do not let him hurt your self esteem even though I know it is hard not to let that happen when you deeply love someone and they are behaving in an unloving manner...it hurts!
Start by taking your focus off of him completely at least for awhile and figure out some things that you need to make you happy and then go after them. Make some new friends, join a gym, take some classes, art classes, volunteering in your community is usually huge in your age group to meet new people...
Also, ignore your husband a little more, when he comes home if he doesn't come right up to you, just sit there and pet the cat, if he stares at the TV, leave and go into a different room. Sometimes men move closer when we move away from them and stop trying to get their affection.
The next time he goes out with his friends and doesn't invite you or maybe even tell you, speak up about how you feel. Try not to do so in a complaining way, just state I feel left out when you go out so frequently without me.
And continue to just use I statements about how it makes you feel. You can't make him wrong or keep him from doing what he wants to do, but you can state your feelings so he knows he's hurt you, and then walk away from him.
Try to plan some fun activities just the two of you can enjoy outdoors now that the weather is nicer.
And yes, see if you can go to counseling....go alone if he won't go, sometimes if you have some tools to work through problems it helps....and if you change you and your behavior towards him, he has no choice but to change himself and things should improve over time.
Good Luck.
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (4 April 2009):
 I feel really badly for you and I am sorry about your sadness. I agree with Klara, I have learned that sometimes friendships grow apart because of distance. If you were my friend, I would still write to you and keep in touch. I have friends from all over the world, and I don't know if I'll ever see them again, but I remember them, carry them in my heart, and write to them.
I think that it would help your marriage if you and your husband could talk to someone about this. I am not sure if you are a Christian and don't want to offend you, but would you consider talking to a pastor or a priest?
Tell your husband and your friends how you are feeling. Tell your friends that you miss them and want to hear from them, and that you are lonely. Talk to your husband, unfortunately, some people aren't good at understanding feelings and maybe he's making you feel marginalized without realizing it. I've learned that it's good to express what you feel.
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A
male
reader, FroggieGman +, writes (4 April 2009):
You have answered your own question, the love you may have had no longer exists, Perhaps it's time to leave him and move on. O'm sorry, but no one should be in a loveless marriage. I hate wasye of any kind, but wasted love is the greatest loss.
Good Luck to you
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