A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to start from the beginning...so bare with me please! I met this guy and we started talking. He was in town for business...and lives a couple hours away from me. We just talked, nothing sexual happened. We talked all night long, and it was amazing...something I can't really explain. Anyways...I found out a two months later that he was married. Through out those 2 months we had still been talking quit a bit, but didn't see eachother. he told me he didn't tell me he was married because he thought I would quit talking to him. He told me that he knows he married the wrong women and that I make him feel something he has never felt before. Well, when I found out he was married i stopped talking to him, but he kept trying to get a hold of me..and I finally gave in. He says things like "were going to be together, we just need time" "We are each others soul mates" "I love you and we will be together" Ok..so after a couple weeks of this his wife found out. he moved out and living with his uncle. he is going to counseling so he can figure out what went wrong with his marriage not to fix it. He says he needs to figure out why his feelings for her went away, he had these feelings before he met me, and that he needs to go through counseling because he doesn't want to start a life with me until he knows what went wrong because he does not want the same thing to happen to us. Last night i told him that I don't mind waiting for him to go through counseling because I know what we have is something special and worth fighting for but that I can't wait for him if he is not taking steps towards getting a divorce. He said they have talked about who gets what and everything...but I don't feel like thats enough. What do I do? Should I actually beleive him? WE HAVE NOT HAD SEX! And everything I said he told me is stuff he said...I'm not saying I do or don't beleive it. I just need some help in what I should do. Thanks ahead of time
View related questions:
divorce, moved out, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 September 2008):
 He is still playing you, and you are still enabling his behaviour. Do you want to be with a coward who has to lie to everyone around him to avoid confronting the truth?
You'll feel better when you have built yourself up to the point when you wouldn't even consider letting a married man get under your skin.
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 No advice will take the pain you feel right now away - but take heart in knowing that you found out what sort of guy he was early...and things between the two of your hadn't gotten more entangled. You're lucky - in time you'll realise that.
You just need to give yourself a chance to process what has happened and heal. Spend time with friends and family, anything to help distract you from 'thinking' too much. Try to get on with your life as usual. Whatever you do DON'T have contact with this person now you have made the decision that you are not going to be involved in his games - he has shown you what you can expect (lies and pain) and you can bet that that won;t change.
Try not to displace your anger onto his wife, she is as much a victim in all this as you - I know it's hard but try to think what she is going through having discovered his infidelity. This guy probably doesn't deserve a second chance from her - but you shouldn't concern yourself with that - leave him to sort that out.
You get on with your life and find someone more worthy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK so here's an update..last i wrote on here the guy was taking steps towards getting a divorce...so he told me. Anyways...him and his wife had a counseling meeting last Wednesday and that was when he going to tell her everything...that they were over and all that. He called me after the meeting and I asked how it went and he said she told him until Sunday to figure out with he wanted to work on his marriage. I was like what?! i didn't know that even an option you were supposed to be telling her it was over tonight?? So i told him not to contact me until he'd made and decision...and only if he chose me and that if i hadn't heard from him by Sunday that I knew i should move on with my life and forget anything that was ever said or happened between us. Thursday night he called me telling me that he wanted to be with me..not her..he couldn't stand loosing me and he was going to tell her this. He called my Friday morning told me he was taking the day of work to drive the 4 hour distance we live from each other because he wanted to see me and make it up to me that he didn't end things on Wednesday. he was already on his way..and I know i should have told him not to come...but i didn't. He came and spent the night...STILL NO SEX...He tried..but I wouldn't do it. he left late Saturday afternoon. i talked to him on Sunday afternoon before his little meeting with his wife to tell her things were over. he called me after their talk and I asked how she took it and he goes i told her the same thing I told you a while ago (he was leaving for job training on Monday and we weren't going to be talking because he needed to think about everything with a clear head...OK I'm nuts for even believing this guy aren't i?!) that I wasn't going to talk to either of you until I got back from my job training because i need to figure things out without everyone telling me something. We got off the phone with me obviously upset because he again lied to me and didn't end things....he told me how much he loved me and will miss me. i didn't hear from him all day Monday or Tuesday. The Tuesday night I get a call from his wife! She said this is his wife, did he tell her he decided to work on his marriage? I'd appreciate if you left him alone while we do this..if it doesn't work then he can be all yours but he can't attempt to work on things if he's still talking to you. I told her what he told me about not talking to either of us and she said that was lie. i called him and called him out on it and he told me the reason he lied to me was because he was going to "work" on his marriage...just so his family, her family, and she couldn't say he tried. And he knew that if he told me he was working on his marriage I would be gone. He didn't want me to leave because he knew we were going to be together...he just needed to be able to say he at attempted to work on things. So i obviously haven't talked to him since all this...but I'm wreck..I know he lied to me..I know he's married..but that doesn't take away the feelings I had for him...and i thought he had for me and the relationship...I'm just really hurt and I feel like a fool. Can anyone give me some uplifting advice?!?
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (4 September 2008):
There are so many other eligible single men worthy of your effort and time that you can and should take a pass on this guy. He is not only damaged goods, but he may also be a liar.
But let's assume he is not lying and ran away from his marriage because he had lost that loving feeling. What makes you believe he would not do the same to you? Can you trust a man who has this kind of history?
And if he is lying, you would still end up trying to answer the same question: Can you trust this guy?
I commend you for not sacrificing your self-respect and giving his story the smell test. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Girl, you being played. He is trying to groom you to be his barely-legal out-of-town mistress. The divorce thing he's telling you about is just an act. The longer you let him string you along like this, the harder it will be to break away from him. What went wrong with his marriage is he is not committed to it. He prefers to f**k younger women. If sex with 14 year old girls was legal, he'd be talking to a 14 year old and not you, so unless you can stop the aging process, he'll eventually leave you for someone else as well. Dump him now, before it's too late.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Let him work things out for himself - if he doesn't explore why he 'flirted' with you and started something while married (yes - he didn't sleep with you but he was still unfaithful, emotionally) - he is likely to repeat this in the future...be that with you or with someone else.
It's good he is seeking counselling and good he has now seperated himself from his wife so he does not hurt her further. Just be patient and if this is meant to happen for the two of you it will.
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Oh and scuse my spelling!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (2 September 2008):
Ok he sounds like he is sorting out his life first. He has met you, has feelings for you and realised that he doesnt want to be with his wife anymore. He could have had sex and walked away and just used his marriage as an excuse, but he didnt. Give him this space to work out things in his head, he may actually be a decent guy if he didnt bed you and make you empty promises. Bear with him and give him time x
...............................
|
