A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My oh my, I am in big trouble.I work with a man I have become very close to. I am married. He is not. I see him everyday and we spend lots of time together working on the same project.I am in an unhappy marriage and have truly and deeply fallen for this other man. It isn't just infatuation or a temporary thing. It is real. When I touch him, I feel electricity. When we hugged the other day, I just know by that hug that we both felt something deep is there between us. Despite our good friendship, there are the long and lingering looks between us. We have the connection as good friends and also amazing chemistry. I know, you guys have heard this all before. But it is at a point where I am feeling nauseous about the whole thing and so torn up. I find that it is becoming more difficult to be around this man because my feelings are so deep now. Why do I feel so nauseous when I am around him? I care so much for him and feel so afraid at the same time because I am married and not truly available, although I really, really want to be available for him. I just don't want to lead him on and break his heart because he is such a good person and I have fallen in love with him.He is helping me through a tough time right now as a friend and I am leaning on him a lot. I feel my emotional bond is with him now and the more I share with him the less I care about my husband. I can say I no longer love my husband and it has been this way for a few years. I have been with my husband for 18 years. I know in my heart that my heart is no longer with him. After therapy and a whole lot of soul searching, I have finally admitted the truth to myself. I just pretended I was okay and went through the motions because I have children and felt it was my duty to stay with him. My husband is like a good friend and roommate but he is emotionally abusive to me and I don't think I can live this way anymore. This other man is so loving and seems to really care about me. I just don't know what to do. I have told my husband that I am not happy and that I would like to separate for awhile but he is not allowing this. He keeps begging me to stay and keeps telling me I am taking his children away from him and that it would kill him not to see them everyday. He is making me feel bad and guilty for how I am feeling and is trying everything he can to get me to stay. He is saying he wants to stay with me even if I no longer want to be with him. Even if I don't have sex with him EVER again, he told me he wants to stay with me anyway. I can't believe it. I don't think it is right or fair to live like this, for either of us. But he wants to remain married no matter what. My heart is really with someone else. Neither of us has come out and confessed our feelings but we both know. And knowing this truth is tearing me apart emotionally because I feel stuck and can't act on it because I am still married. Not only that but married to a husband who is not letting me go. I care so much about this other man. I don't want to make him the "other man" or keep him on the side or involve him in my mess. He is too good for that. I want to do things right for him and for us.I am in a very tough spot and don't know what to do. If anyone can help me, I would be so thankful. Thank you.
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female
reader, Reality101  +, writes (3 July 2013):
Hi, what happened ? what decision did you make ??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Your Husband is only saying he doesn't want to let you go. So don't write he won't let you go. There is a HUGE difference. In the end, you stay by your own choice.
What does your Therapist say about this? Be honest now. No bull crap drama.
How long have you been in therapy and are you still going?
Also, having an emotional affair hasn't helped you or your marriage because now you feel nauseous all the time? SERIOUSLY? Thats not love by the way.
Make a decision. You stay with Husband and cut ties with 'other man'.
Or
You leave Husband.
Everything else will sort out, step by step.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (10 January 2012):
since you have obviously spent a lot of time and energy wrestling with your situation and have pretty much clarified with certainty where you stand as far as your own feelings, that my advice to you is that you should go ahead and divorce your husband because you are very certain that you don't want to be with him anymore.
You've already clarified with certainty that you don't love your husband (at least, not in an intimate way, maybe at an arms-length way). You know that he's emotionally abusive to you. You know that you want to leave him so you can explore new relationships.
Whether or not it works out with the other man, is not the point and is not the reason to stay in or leave your marriage.
The point is that you know you want to pursue a relationship with this other man, and you want to leave your husband. But...your husband is trying to stop you leaving even though you've told him you want to divorce.
I know that this is easier said than done, but I don't think you should require of yourself that you get your husband's permission to divorce.
He wants you to stay married to him, even though there will not be a 'real' marital relationship. He's afraid to be alone and not in a relationship/marriage, so he wants to keep you around for his own sense of security. He's afraid of change, as are many people. Of course it's easier for you emotionally to advocate for this change, because you have something concrete to look forward to which is a new relationship. Your husband doesn't have a new relationship waiting for him so of course he sees a divorce as him losing out on what little he has, whereas you see it as an opportunity to gain something better.
But the thing is, what are the consequences of going along with what he wants, and staying married to an emotionally abusive person, while not loving him? Is this really going to make him 'happy' in the long run? I doubt it. Is this really in everyone's best interest, even your children's?
Depending on how old your children are, you could come right out and negotiate with your husband that if it's JUST fear of not seeing his children as much if you divorce, that you can stay married until they are grown and left the house. And you can tell the other man that this is what you are going to do, and leave it up to him to decide if he will wait for you.
If you can't wait that long, then I think you should work up the courage to leave your husband already, even though he doesn't want it. You are an autonomous adult and this is a free country so you don't need his permission to leave him, if you are being upfront and honest about your reasons. And as a fully functioning adult, who contributed to the deterioration of this marriage, he has to take responsibility for his contribution to destroying his marital relationship, and take responsibility for his own emotional well being whether or not you are still with him. He should not make his emotional well being dependent on you staying with him against your will.
yes there will be consequences to leaving your husband. He may very well turn on you and become vengeful or hateful and make the divorce and post-divorce life bitter. But the alternative of continuing the status quo is a dead end, and you know this from experience. If you get divorced, eventually he will probably move on and find a new girlfriend and probably he will at some point get married again. Statistics show that most people who get divorced, eventually remarry.
Therefore, I think that if you know with certainty that you dont' want to be with your husband, then you should proceed with a divorce whether or not he is on board with it.
I would also caution that you should leave your husband if you would still do the same if the other man were to disappear from your life tomorrow. If you're ONLY wanting to leave your husband because by comparison the other man is so much better, you may or may not be correct because the circumstances of both relationships are very different. leave your husband so you can have the chance to explore where things will lead with this new man, but not because you're sure this new man is what you think and expect him to be (because the relationship with him may not work out once it's "real").
people will probably tell you to stay with your husband and get rid of the other man, and to work on your marriage. If you *want* to do that, then that's fine. But if you don't want to even work on things with your husband, no one can tell you that you should because it will be doomed to failure if you don't actually want to be working on your marriage. And some times, people have reached their limit of how much emotional abuse they can endure. Maybe you wil want to give your husband a second chance (or third, or more). If so, then give up the other man. But maybe you don't want to give your husband anymore chances and if so then you have every right to proceed with a divorce whether he is agreeable to it or not. Most divorces are unilateral decisions, so your situation isn't uncommon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012):
It's not your husband's choice to let you go or not. That's your decision.
It sounds like you want to go to this other man, so file for divorce and do so.
What's stopping you?
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A
female
reader, asyoulikeit  +, writes (10 January 2012):
I'm assuming I am a lot younger than you but as a psychology student , think I may be able to offer some help especially since I know adults in your situation.Sometimes in life we settle. We make huge compromises for our relationships. I can understand what your husband is going through but he has to let you go..he fears his children being away from him? Then tell him nothing can take away his children from him that despite separating he will always be a part of your life after all he is the father of your children. I know it'd be the more "easy/perhaps moral" thing to stay with your husband but i can ensure you the passion is gone, your heart is elsewhere and trying to sacrifice your feelings to make a dead marriage work is not worth it. Especially if he emotionally abuses you. You deserve to be happy, and by tactfully and carefully explaining this to your husband he will understand that a HAPPY marriage is based on MUTUAL affection, love, passion and companionship. Divorce is never easy , even on the children but todays society has learnt to deal with it .Your husband may also end up finding someone to be with and everything will work out.Either way i think you are old and mature enough to know whether or not what you have going with the other man is real or not.Take that leap of faith, you only live once so don't make any room for regret.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): "I am in an unhappy marriage"
First, resolve that issue, then take your time and see what you think of the other person after the first issue is resolved.
You can't see the other man in a clear light, because you are in an unhappy marriage. As the old saying goes "any ship in a storm" looks good if you are riding the waves in one that is sinking.
See an individual counselor, not a marital counselor, to help yourself.
If you want to see your own marriage in a clearer light, then go to a marital counselor and work at it for a few months.
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