A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:my husband and i met when we were 16 and 17 he was my only boyfriend. We married in 1975 and been married for 37 years. In June 2011 he did something unusual that he never did before it was only a phone call to me and said he had rang the wrong number at a time that he should have been in a meeting. I questioned him about it and asked why he rang me, he stammered a little bit then I asked for his phone. He gave it to me and there wasn't anything on his phone he had deleted everything. He has never given me any reason to doubt him in our 41 years together. We did everything together and was a very happy family with a wider family with his sisters and my sisters. We had walks together, went on bike rides, stayed in together, gardened, planned our garden for the following year only the weekend before.What he said next blew me away. He said he had been to see someone from the past who used to live near him when he was a child. He was very fond of her but he hadn't mentioned her name to me since we were teenagers. He said he heard that her husband had died and he sent her a card with his phone number in it. She had rang him two days previous and said come and visit me, he did unbeknown to me and he had been that night- each time was for 1hr. He said her embrace was fresh and that we hadn't been getting on and that he wasn't happy. I was so shocked I said well you will have to go then and he did. He went to his sisters who was shocked and couldn't believe it. No - one can believe him, friends, relations, neighbours. Everyone said that we were the golden couple. He now says that if I hadn't chucked him out that night nothing would have happened.We have two successful children and two grandchildren. He gave up on everything, he came out with the most bazaar things. He said I found him out sooner than he thought. He said he wanted three weeks with her to see how things went. He is an intelligent professional man, and I couldn't believe the things he was coming out with. In the last 18 months i filed for a divorce, he came back and too . I wouldn't let him move back in with me but gave him 5 chances and each time she either phoned him or text him. Then I would confront him and he said things like I feel closer to her. We went to relate and I asked him if she was still on the scene and all he would say is I finished it. However, in front of the councillor who told him to be honest he said the sex with her was amazing, spontanious and like nothing I ever had with you. I didn't go again, because he then said he was still seeing her and he gave up something he enjoyed.I retired 6 months before this happened and although he earns good money he didnt want me to retire.In the last 18 months he has blamed me for what he has done and plucked out things that happened throughout our 41 years together to justify what he has done. I am at the stage of sorting out the finances before the decree absolute comes. He hasn't stopped crying for 18 months. He is about to lose the house, half his pension and our children said it will never be the same with him again.I still love him and thought that one day we might be able to form some sort of relationship. He says he is not with her anymore and he regrets what he did, but will have nothing bad said about her. He says to people he still loves me and also fancies me. But the one thing he hasn't done is to come to me and show me how sorry he is and that it is me he wants to be with for the rest of his life. There are two sides to every story and I will hold my hands up and say the sex part of our marriage has never been my number one priority. So I'm sorry for that. Apparently his sister said he is not with this woman anymore, but sees another woman who is only a friend to go out with at times. He will not be on his own.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): It's amazing how fast a man can fall if the temptation is right in front of him. I also find it alarming that it doesn't take much to be lead astray.Your husband saw an opportunity and took it readily without any thought of you and your marriage and all the years you put in it together.He told the counselor that sex with her was amazing and that it wasn't with you. He said that the two of you were not getting along and that he was unhappy.Did it ever occur to him that he should have been working out his marriage with you with these kind of thoughts. No, he did not.When this gal came along and offered herself he took it and ran with it. What did it get him? They aren't seeing each other and his family is broken up.Now everyone is left to pick up the pieces of his actions.If a man such as this can cheat so easily without a second thought to his marriage (total selfishness) , then I would, as you are doing, get a divorce and move on as painful as it is for you right now.Become independent and make a good life for yourself. See this an an opportunity for "you" to pursue your dreams and goals in life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): My wife has refused to have sex with me for the last 17 years. But I would still feel guilty if I were to pursue and have sex with another female. The fact that your husband can't, is very telling. Something is lacking in his heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): He had made do without much sex for 37 years of marriage to you. But that didnt make his need go away he just learned to live in a state of constant deprivation. Then he finds his old flame is now available and so now is his chance after 37 years to get his need filled and he took it.
I think that your marriage probably was never as strong as you or everyone else thought. Doing family stuff together is one thing but if you were unaware of his need going unfulfilled or if you knew but didn't care then something was seriously amiss. And the fact that he looked out for himself first and you last also speaks volumes about the actual state of the marriage. just trying to understand this. I mean, a happy healthy marriage doesn't suddenly without warning have adultery in it. The fact that there was infidelity means something was very wrong already.
I think you're doing the right thing of divorcing him. I would not even want him back at this point. If he was unhappy enough to cheat, he was unhappy enough to leave you but he chose to cheat instead.
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A
male
reader, Pontoon  +, writes (29 December 2012):
I really feel for you with this situation. I am about 10 years younger than you and I am going through a similar situation, my wife of 16 years cheated on me with a guy almost 30 years older than her, and has now filed for divorce and is moving to another country to be with this senior citizen and leaving my teenaged daughter and myself to pick up the pieces of our lives.
There is no justification for cheating, it is simply wrong. But you have also said sex was never a priority for you, and I feel that is unfortunate. I think most women simply don't understand how truly important sex is for a man. It is the way we can expose our feelings and vulnerabilities and be close emotionally. To deny or dismiss its importance is really damaging to a relationship. Of course the same is true for men not realizing women's needs for talking and sharing information. Most guys don't realize women often are not looking for answers, they are looking to talk.
This is all water under the bridge for you now with your relationship, but perhaps it set the ideas in motion for your husband to seek his emotional needs elsewhere. You are not to blame for his behavior, he has to take responsibility. But as an outsider (and a male) this is what pops to mind when I read your story.
You seem intent on a divorce. Only you can know if this is truly the right path. I was through counseling as well when we tried to salvage our marriage. I understand your motives for not going back to therapy, but I think it does not help the situation, at least if you have any small hope or desire to salvage it. Of course the other woman has to go, but that is where the professionals might have been able to help.
I think everyone knows lots of people who have divorced, but until it happens to you, one can never really appreciate the impact it has. It is truly life changing. It is too late for my marriage, but even though I was the one who was cheated on, I still would have worked through it to be with my partner. I would not wish the pain of divorce on anyone. Your (soon to be ex) partner would have to seriously change his ways if he wants to repent and show you he means it. If he did, would you consider salvaging the marriage? If the answer to that question is no, then you are on the right path.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you No Nonsense Aiden, You are right it is an unbelievable story and I am serious when I say he is an intelligent man. Sometimes I think he feels he is talking to a mate when he comes out with the things he says to me.
He was once about to finish with her but wanted to leave it for a few days because he felt she was still upset and vulnerable from losing her husband. He didn't give me a second thought that I had lost my husband. I found out later that a weekend away had been booked and he wanted to go.
I really feel that if he had died it would have been better than what he had done, at least his children
and I would have had happy memories.
Thank you once again.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (28 December 2012):
It’s unbelievable that he says he regrets it, yet rubs it in your face that the sex is better with the other woman and, worse, blames you for his cheating. Honestly this is a terrible story. Even the most seasoned of agony aunts and uncles who think they’ve probably heard it all a million times before would struggle not to feel totally gutted for you after all those years of marriage. It would be lovely to tell you that you can work through your issues if you try hard enough, people do patch things up sometimes. But this man’s lack of sincere regret and true remorse means that it’s doubtful you’ll ever trust him again. Your marriage, if you stuck at it, would be one of suspicion and misery, it would be deeply unhappy. As devastating as it is, it really does sound like it’s over. At least you’ve got your family around you. You’ll need to leave them to figure out for themselves how they feel about their father and what they want from him.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Olderthandirt, It was very kind of you to give me a male opinion on my situation.
I have been told loads of times that it is his justification to blame me.
I have just now got to believe it.
Thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear You Wish, Thank you for your response. Everything you say makes sense.
I have to get over the fact that I am nearly 58 and think that I am on the scrap heap. I have never kissed another man so goodness knows how I will cope.
My two wonderful children who adored their father have told me to move on and find someone who wants to spend quality time with me and have the same interests.
After the divorce I'm hoping I will be in a better place.
Thankyou for this web site.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Little Monster, I need to hear these things and it makes me feel I can get by for anotyher week. That is another reason for the divorce because I felt he wanted to keep the finances in tact.
He said to me on one occasion - Do you really think you can manage without me. Now I believe he is shocked that I have.
I still have moments when I can'tb believe this is happening to us.
Thank you for your advice, I am grateful for this website.
All the Best to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): I dont think you will ever get over this. What a shame that he has thrown all those years away. My daughter was in the same boat, they stay together but they bicker on all the time. You only live once and why should you have a life of misery. Move on. Ask him to leave and start again and rebuild your life. It is never too late. I got married again at the age of 55. Be strong and life will get better once you have kicked him out. Lots of love.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 **sigh**
Stories like these to me are among the most heartbreaking. Marriages that had previously defied the odds and endured many years shattering over one or both people developing a mid-life crisis and throwing away that which is most precious. If there are ever any cautionary tale to be told, it's tales like yours.
You did the right thing by filing for divorce. Cheating must have consequences. In a marriage, there is no "I want to wait 3 weeks" hedging of bets. In marriage, there is no "She drove me to it". If he was unhappy about the amount of sex you two were having, he should have looked for honorable solutions such as talking to you, going to counseling before the cheating, or if it was too bad, leaving you. Cheaters always try to find excuses though. They cheat, and *then* try to scramble for justification. A cheater's words are worthless.
You're also right -- he hasn't come to you with his full heart to rebuild trust and make it right with you. Crying for 18 months is worthless too, because he's also seeing another girl, but more importantly, he's still blaming you at least in part. That has to disappear from his narrative, or there's no hope for both of you.
You are 50% to blame for the erosion and distance in the marriage. You are 0% to blame for his infidelity. He made the decision to go have sex with this girl...had nothing to do with you throwing him out of anywhere. He could have taken that as a roaring sign to get his head in the game and get you two to counselling to rebuild the rifts. When this girl from his past contacted him, he could have told you about his temptation before he acted.
No. He had it in him. If it hadn't happened after you "chucked him out", it would have happened some other time. Once you're caught in the net of adultery, it's almost impossible to get out.
Also, logically, if he still loves and fancies you like he's said, that just underscores that he made the decision to cheat, whether out of boredom, out of horniness, mid-life crisis, need to know that he's "still got it", etc.
There are relationships that actually can heal and even grow stronger than before after infidelity, but it's a long road and a lot of tears and honesty on both sides. It's like a broken bone -- when bones heal, the body heals the break in such a way that the bone is stronger than it was prior to the break.
But he has to do more than cry and have "buyer's remorse" because the woman he was screwing didn't last. He has to accept what he's done, be brutally honest with himself, and understand what it was in him that led him to make the decision to throw away his marriage for this.
And he's not the only one with a lot of work ahead of him. If he comes to you ready to truly reconcile, you and he with a therapist have to dissect and pick apart the marriage and find out what happened to create the distance. Marriages develop their own language, their own patterns, and their own little resentments that trigger at certain times. Rebuilding trust and rekindling love is a long journey. Like I said, while he owns 100% of the cheating, you own 50% of the actual breakdown of the marriage. In a way, it's the very act of feeling like you know everything about your spouse that leaves a marriage open to boredom, tedium, and the loss of passion.
He needs to make amends for cheating on you and not simply feel upset over the consequences of his actions. If he doesn't, don't stop the divorce process. He didn't realize the price he paid by his actions...he hurt not only you, but also his children. He can't begin to blame you for that.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Don't take on that guilt he's trying to put on your back.
He knows darn good and well who it is to blame. This is a prime example of why folks say to wait until you're 20 or more to get married. I'm sorry you got hurt but don't le it stop you from growing into a great person
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