A
female
age
41-50,
*unshine99
writes:I could really do with some advice. I am happily married - or thought I was- until I met this guy at work. He is all I can think about. I have never been tempted to stray at all in my three years of marriage but I am so tempted. I know that if i take this further with this guy at work it will all end in tears, as i know someone always gets hurt in the end and it won't just be my husband. I love my husband but I have feelings for this guy and I am so confused. I know this guy feels the same as he has hinted to me on more than one occasion. Nothing has happened between us as I just can't let it happen but I want it to. I just can't understand why I am so tempted. I feel so guilty for having these thoughts and I haven't even done anything to feel guilty about!. I can't avoid this guy at work, just not possible, but i want him so bad. Maybe i'm not as happy as I thought I was because I wouldn't be having these thoughts or feelings about this other guy if I was truly happy. Help
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male
reader, Tojo45  +, writes (29 June 2010):
If you have to "think back and remember to your single days" then I say, those days are dead. If you have to constantly remind yourself of how good it "used to be" then it ain't so good anymore.I've been going through the same crap myself. It's not wrong or strange that you have sexual feelings towards other people. As married people, it happens more than we are allowed to admit. Having said that, you have two choices, obviously. A) Go for it, have a ball, bang your brains out and deal with the fallout (i.e. potential divorce, guilt). B) Sit idly by and wonder how it could have turned out, sit in an a moldy armchair when your 90 and wonder what it would have been like six decades before if you'd gone for it.I'm obviously in favor if living in the moment and strangling that little angel on my shoulder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I started my research on this topic today...and this page was the first one to come up on Google. I am surprised to see how many people have felt or currently feel the same way as I do about a co-worker. Why? That is the first question that came to my mind. I am happy in my relationship, however...when I go to work, there is someone else who catches my eye and attention. He knows he's good looking and he flirts with all the other girls in the office as well. To all of you in this same situation, you may want to check if the person your interested in, does the same thing. Anyways, I also have noticed we have so much in common...I tell myself to look at him like a brother in order to get my mind re-focused on my work rather than him. My crush on this guy began a little over a month ago. We hung out late after work with a bunch of other co-workers. It was innocent except for the fact that he opened up conversations that were deep and intrigued me. For the record my dad cheated on my mom when I was 4 years old. Knowing that I come from a broken home, I've made a vow to never cheat. So...I've never cheated. Also, I've been cheated on and it hurt alot. So I'm trying really hard to avoid this co-worker despite my feelings of lust and interest in him. After being here today I've realized I've been doing the right thing by trying to avoid the guy I'm crushing on. I have my reasons though of why I may even entertain the idea of dating this guy...and it's because I am not 100% happy with my current relationship for very specific reasons. If anyone here is having thoughts about co-worker outside of their relationship/marriage, I would ask you too to ask yourself, why? Chances are your in a new phase of your marriage and may be realizing that the person you are, is dynamic and most importantly human. Your not the same with all people...thats a fact about humans. We are capable of being different to each person we interact with. Of course it is normal to feel something for someone new whom you spend a great deal of time with outside of your marriage. My way of seeing this clearly is, that when I'm at work I feel one way, and then when I get home and see my man, I'm completely in love with him, and that feeling is so much safer than the feelings I hold for my co-worker. It's tough being in a relationship/married and then crushing on someone new. The questions that brought me here, was "is it normal to have a crush on a co-worker after 3 years of marriage"? All of the honesty here as shown me, it is completely normal. This information alone, has taught me that crushes are normal...and being in love and in a commitment is another part of my being. Its the part that I live with daily, its my comfort. Being from a broken home, I like the stability despite the problems in my relationship. It's a tough call, but when we re-check in with our inner motives and selves we can see what we think is the best thing for ourselves. Right now...I will keep my vow to never cheat...but I can honestly say I can't help having a crush on someone who I have such amazing chemistry with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): At the least, it is good to know that other's google the same questions I do... I guess in the end it helps just by voicing your concerns and feelings, albeit in typed text. I haven't been very happy in my marriage for various reasons. Its been five years since I made a vow, and I have since, never strayed. Most of my professional life is spent away from home in other countries, where there is always the potential to spend an awfull amount of time with different sex coworkers, some more attractive than others. However, I have always, when confronted with a situation, been able to turn around and "walk away", without negatively impacting our professional relationship. I made a promise to my wife, for better or worse, 'till death do us part.
I guess it is in that promise, that one must find salvation.
And then one day, out of the blue, I meet her. A married woman, same age, same background, same beliefs, same interests, same personality, same everything - including the same feelings about each other. That typical pedistal person who resembles at face value, everything I may ever have wanted as an ideal partner, but never found. Given the last sentence, it is easy to derive that we have had some very deep conversations over time. We both agree that there is something there which we cannot explain. We even have rules now - no contact over weekends! Perhaps the most addictive is the "forbidden fruit" syndrome. Knowing that you are walking a dangerous thin line. Whether you end up taking it too far, into the abyss of complete intimacy... Keep away from that if you can. I dont know if I can this time around, I pray I do.
Perhaps we need to change our viewpoint on this, or perhaps I am just trying to justify it to myself. But if we can have these moments of connection with other people, we can learn about life and love and so much more. But seeing it as an education, and not a possible medium to stray from an unhappy or happy marriage, could maybe benefit one? I do not think any couple, married or unmarried, will ever know everything about love and relationships. But, we choose a friend, a partner, with whom we spend the rest of our lives, with one common understanding - trust! So, in my humble oppinion, I believe I will always, along the road, meet some women who will entertain my mind and heart for a short space of time. And I believe that I should make use of that time to learn as much as I can about myself and life, as a different perspective from somebody unbiased towards my marriage and its contents. And I believe, that if you can trust your partner to act the same as you, then just maybe, it will infuse deepness and an undying connection, inside your marriage.
I chuckle at the irony of posting an anonymous message. And the security check to avoid spammers, one must enter the words "human". LOL. Isn't that just so true, we are all just human.
Look, its been a couple of years since the original post was made, 2007. I hope you found the answers you were looking for, and I hope your story ended up a good one. For the rest of us still posting, good luck to you all! I know I need it!
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reader, gr8tldy +, writes (4 March 2009):
I have been with my husband for 8years and married for 6 years. I also have been totally attracted to a coworker and can't stop thinking about him. I text him all the time and he texts me all the time. He is single and he likes me. Our coworkers think we are just really close friends that can joke about things but all we really want to do is get alone and mess around. The only thing we have done with each other is kiss and cuddle with clothes on. Boy was that hard. I feel so safe in his arms. My husband has been really distand lately and does not believe that our marriage needs to revolve around sex 24/7 and is content with sex acouple times every couple months. I am totally opposite and crave sex weekly if not every other day.
I have talked to my husband about the lack of sex and my wantering eye and my flirting with guys. He says it is normal for me to look and flirt but I shouldn't be going out and having sex with anyone else beside him but he won't budge with the amount of sex we have. Please help.
I can't live like this.
I am very happy with my hubby and my coworker also makes me feel like I'm the only woman on th planet.
Please help.
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reader, Kilcardy +, writes (1 November 2008):
Oh yeah ... been there ... done that. Sorry I ever even tapped into those feelings. What a painful and psychically exhausting experience! Run the other way is the best advice I can give. Look deep within you and find out what it is that is making you feel this way. This other person has been placed on a pedestal in your mind. That's not the reality, though. He puts his pants on just like your husband. He has his faults. He snores. He farts. He does all those things. I know I'm waving a red flag for you, only because I know it is just so painful to indulge in feelings that can never really be reciprocated in the way we usually like. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I'm releived to see how many other people are dealing with the same feelings. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary (10 years together), and have always been very happy and very much in love. Yet recently I met a guy who I've become very attracted to and can't seem to shake these feelings. He's single and has expressed similar attractions, although neither of us has acted on them. Just a few innocent texts and e-mails so far, and even though I know that too should stop, I find myself overcome with excitement whenever I hear from him. My husband is amazing and everyone jokes about us being the "perfect couple" so I would never do anything to harm him or our relationship, but I feel overcome with emotions right now. Why do I feel so attracted to another man if I'm happily married? I wonder if it's just the excitement of male attention, although I will admit that I'm an attractive woman and this is nothing new, so how is this instance different? I even find myself thinking about him during sex with my husband lately, which engulfs me with guilt afterwards, even though I've not done anything physically wrong. One of my husband few flaws (if you can call it that) is that our libidos are completely backwards... he's fine with once ever few days while I'm ready 24-7. Isn't that backwards?? And I always feel crushed when he's "not in the mood", and these are usually the times when I start fantasizing about alternatives. (Sigh.) I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give as it seems I'm in the same situation. Hopefully we both can remember our marital commitments and steer clear of temptation, but why does it have to be so damned hard...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): I can't help but am amazed so many of you have this same problem. I've been married just over a year and have doubted my relationship both before and after getting married. There was such a rush when we got together and besides the regular incidents that arise things have been okay.
Now that we are living together and past the honeymoon phase (sadly), reality has sunk in. I'm married to a woman who loves most things I don't and very little that I do!!! Rather then enjoying the same interests we argue over everything and each admit we enjoy being apart.
All of this is even worse since I have had feelings for a coworker since she came into the picture a year and a half ago.
She's not perfect but we hang out together (with my wife and alone), go to the gym, dinner, etc... There have been questions from coworkers and my wife says she doesn't care just that I can't sleep with her in our bed! I pretend it's all nonsense and like I don't care but I think about her all the time and put alot of effort into not acting on the chemistry we have.
I agree that it's best not to cheat but when do you say it's over to your wife and start looking at the options you had before you got married. I've never cheated on anyone but have been cheated on and now am torn between what I have and what I want.
To those in this position I wish you all the best and whatever you decide make the decisions like an adult not an adulterer...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Wow, I am so happy to find all of you with a similar situation...I too find myself attracted to a co-worker of mine. We are both married and don't want to jeapordize our home lives. We are great friends at the office and get along amazingly. More recently it has been more and more flirtatious to the point where he has admitted to me that he has feelings for me. We both agree that we love being together and had we both been single we would for sure date. He did attempt to kiss me but I didnt let it happen and have been feeling completely guilty. Its strange to be in this situation, I never expected to develop feelings for another man after being married. But I agree that its the rush of attraction and feeling wanted that gets you going. I really enjoy it yet I know that its wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I am so impressed by the humanity of all the answers to your dilemma. No-one has been judgemental, and everyone has advised you to not to give into temptation. I emailed this website because I too am in a similar situation. My marriage ironically is the happiest it's been for years and yet I find myself strangely attracted to an older man who on the face of it has very little to recommend him. Except that he appears to fancy me. And that's it - it's the sense of being seen again as attractive, sexually desirable, having someone want you. IN a marriage however good that's a feeling that's going to disappear. Plus there's usually at least some stress in the work place, we dress up to go there which all adds to a heady concoction.
I think the advice to treat it as a lust crush is right. My flirtation is nothing but a few sidelong glances and a sense of mutual chemistry - I don't even know his name - he just sits nearby in an office we've recently moved into. For me imagining him having a name I don't like, or the tears of my children and husband if I did anything about it keep my feet on the ground for now. I hope its enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I am in a similar situation, only in the early stages. I have been married for 8 years (together for 11) to a fabulous man. His only downfall is that he is not very romantic.
I started a new job this past year, and found myself becoming friends and hanging out with a married male co-worker. Our office is small, usually only about 12 people in the office at a time. We go out to lunch several times a week, not always alone.
Recently, I have been traveling, and we have been talking over IM. These conversations have taken on a risque banter, talking about what each other is wearing and even discussing what is crossing the line.
I am the first to admit that it gives me a rush, but I also am guilt ridden over it. I love my husband, and have no intention of physically cheating. Nor do I think that my co-worker is interested in taking it any further. I just feel like I have already cheated by the tone of the conversations that I have had.
So my advise, don't do it. Talk to your husband, spice it up, maybe even find a way to flirt with him. That is probably all you need to keep your marriage going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): I was literally in the exact same situation as you three months ago. Married three years, absolutely happy... then started a new job and I met someone at work and fell hard, so hard. He's married too and at first it was just innocent flirtation... then it went further. It just ended because it can't go anywhere and we are never going to end our marriages... but I'm torn apart, because I fell for him hard. So, so so hard... i can't stop thinking about him. And I've never looked sideways at a man the whole time I've been with my husband. The guilt is crushing... for both of us, yet we couldn't stop ourselves.
I will never ever tell my husband- it would devastate him. If you go for it, do be prepared for tears. I've cried all night tonight. But I will be honest with you- I wouldn't change the last three months. I know it's wrong and the guilt physically hurt me- but I still wouldn't take back what happened between us. Now I've got to get over it and move on. But this kind of thing happens- and it happens when you least expect it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): please please dont do it. You know, exactly the same happened to me 2years ago, I was in a longterm relationship thigs were going really well and I fell for a guy at work. I did stray, and needless to say it ended in him falling totally inlove with me and I didnt feel the same way about him! I realised that it was lust rather than love and was really not worth all the heartache it cause for him, me, and more importantly the totally inocent party my boyfriend.
The work place is one of the main places things like this happen, and its because you spend most of your days with the people there, so you cant really help getting close to some of them. But, its not worth taking it any further.
Like you say you are happily married! you married your guy for a reason, hope this helps xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): I'm certain what your feeling is probably a crush, I have been married for ten years and all marriages go through spells when they are problematic, boring etc. I had once thought myself of straying and chose not too, however over Christmas my husband did stray, he had a one night stand with a colleague and it has destroyed us. I am so glad I chose the options that I did and chose not to act on what was a crush, months later the feelings faded and I now know how it feels to be cheated on....PLEASE dont put your husband through that. Take some time to concentrate on your husband, do something different, have a night away, turn the tv off and open a bottle of wine. Spend your energy on your husband and not this crush...IT WILL BE WORTH IT I CAN ASSURE YOU X X take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): . . . Need I mention, you made a promise to your husband! Time for you to put your wants aside and do the RIGHT THING!!!
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reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (26 May 2007):
Temptation to stray is normal. As people we are of two minds. We are both a creature of mind and animal.
What you're feeling are the baser instincts of your animal half. Women accuse men of only listening to our primal instincts, but women are no different. There was a study done on female infidelity and it was discovered that maybe as many as one out of three children in the United States are not the biological children of the men who raise them, although I think the number is probably lower than that. Yet that is the high end estimate based on a statistical analysis of the data.
In other words, you're not alone in your problem. Other women have given in and been weaker than they should've been. Be strong. Be strong for yourself and your own conscience, as well as for your husband.
If you're in a good marriage with a good man who doesn't beat you, abuse you in any way, and who loves you - then don't screw it up because you're feeling urgings to fool around with someone else. And if you decide that the urgings are too strong for you to resist, divorce your husband and then go do what you please. You'll probably end up unhappy and regretting your decision, but it is your life. Don't screw up your husband's life by cheating on him and then having to live with a dishonest marital relationship.
And think back to what you remember of your single days. Do you remember complaining about how hard it was to find a good man? If you've married one, then there's no reason to go looking for another... And I can guarantee you that any man that wants a woman to cheat on her marriage is NOT a good man. In point of fact, he's looking for a little bit of uncommitted sex with a woman who has too much to lose if she leaves her husband. I bet the other women in your workplace have already told you about this co-worker of yours, and you've probably refused to believe their allegations that he's something of a player player (translation: man slut).
Or, even if he's not a player player yet, his willingness to participate in compromising your integrity and honor is a good sign that he's still not a good man.
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reader, kenny +, writes (26 May 2007):
 So many affairs and relationships stem from the workplace. The reality is we spend and average of eight hours each and every day working alongside co-workers, which is more time than we spend with our partners.
I know what you are feeling, i feel as if i am drawn to a colleague of mine, she is married and i am single. We work really closly together and i find myself thinking about her all the time, although i do have respect that she is married.
If you feel that this is a short lived crush then just let it die down naturally. But if in your heart you think this could be more i think you owe it to you husband to be honest and don't go behind his back and be unfaithful. Honesty is the best policy, im sure you would want your husband to tell you if he was in love with someone else.
But be 100% sure, don't throw away a marriage over a silly crush and regret your decision further down the line.
Good luck x
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