A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 8 years but I am no longer in love with my husband I love him but only as the father of my son and has been this way for some time, I always felt we are two very different people and we never seem to agree in any issue, he always wants things done his way because he feels that he's always right . I been wanting to leave the marriage because I felt and still feel that we are where wrong for one another and he knows it too but I had become complacent because I have a daughter 15 years old of a previous marriage and a son 5 years old with my current husband and financially I know I won't be able to do anything since he has so much control over every aspect of my finance.I will admit, I started an affair with a co-worker and in time we both fell in love I tried to hide it and end the marriage my husband and I had agreed to separate giving each other time to save money so he can later get an apartment of his own but my husband kept asking and asking if I was seeing someone else, I confessed, he then turned everything on me and kicked me out of the apartment and blamed every problem we had and have on me, I stayed with my mother and continued my relationship with my lover and visited the kids as much as I could (almost every day) being that I was caring for my mother that has cancer, but my husband kept digging in to the situation he hacked into my email collected chats, emails and pictures of me and the person I am with to use against me, he went as far as telling my daughter that I had left them for another man and that I was a bad mother, when the reality is I did not leave my children I wanted to leave him but not my children. I know what I did was wrong to have an affair and not ending the marriage before starting a new relationship but it happened and wanted to do what I thought was best given the situation. my plans was to try to get an apartment of my own and the person I was with was going to move closer but giving each other time to deal with the situation and also giving time to my kids before we introduced our relationship to my kids, saving was hard to do since he controls my income, we have a joint account and there was always an excuse that something came up and the money needed to be used.He continues to give me a hard time with my kids and in some ways used my kids as a way of punishment, he even showed her a picture of him also he has called me so many things, whore, slut that I am evil a bad mother because I abandon my kids, he told his family and friends about the affair so now I'm a horrible person in their eyes.it was hard for me to be separated from my kids and having them think that I did abandon them, I am the mom that so them get up every morning, clean the house, cook for them and being there for them so I decided to "end" the new relationship and returned with my husband not because of him but for my kids I did not want for them to believe the lies that my husband had said to my daughter.since then things have been really hard, I am very in love and my lover he is also very in love with me, my husband has me tied down with threats that if I try anything he will destroy my life and I will be only a Sunday mom because he will take my kids away. He has a folder on his computer with all the things he collected and said that if he finds out that I am still talking to him (meaning my lover) that he will send the chats and e-mail to my boss and friends so they can know who I am "a whore" as he calls me, he now accuses me that I am sleeping with my boss or any male friend that I have. He knows that I am not in love with him he even told me that he knows that I am still in love with the other man. I have to lie in order to try to keep things together but I don't know for how long , he wants me to go for counseling because he thinks I have mental problems, I'm 37 years old and I'm just tired of being with a controlling man that doesn't let me live or be, that blames me for any bad things that happens in the relationship I want to be happy get older and know that once my kids grow up that I will be with someone that I can share my life with alone and that someone is not him. I'm just running on fear of what he can do to me. when we argue and my daughter defends me he takes her to a different room and when she comes out she against me. he is controlling even my relationship with my daughter my own daughter.I am still involved but I asked him to give me time so I can somehow find a way out, he agreed but all is very difficult being how things are. what can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy lover and I do want to make a life together, he even offered to get an apartment for us but he will not move in to give my kids and I time to be alone, he also wants to help getting a lawyer.
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (19 September 2009):
 The reality is that if you stay together, then you will leave when your kids are grown. So its 13 years of hell, or plan your escape now. The obvious question is how much support can you get from this other man? Is it justified to count on him when you leave? If so factor this in.More important is to plan things assuming that the other guy will not help. This is the safest thing to do. You can always work two jobs. Put on paper how much money you need to live on your own. Include everyting including food and toiletries and especially the cost of an attorney. Hire an attorney. This will be important as the divorce will probably be very hard. They usually give free consults. Get an idea of how much this will cost. Once you make your break, then your income will be yours. So factor how much you will need to have good legal rep. A lawyer can tell you what to expect given your situation. What the reality of a custody battle will mean in your situation etc. (You can also seek legal advice online, though the attorney that will acutally handle your case is far better.) Also, since you have psychological abuse in this relationship, then perhaps there is a social program that can meet your needs. Do research into this in order to see what your options are. Understand how your assests will be divided if you do divorce. If you two have a bunch of debt, then you can always declare bankruptcy. If you have assets, then you may actually come out with money. Here is where a good lawyer helps. When you leave, where will you stay. At first, it would be best to stay with someone like family in order to save your money and fight the custody battle. If you can't then you have shelters and other places that you can live. You can rent a room etc. Remember to put the legal cost first as this will be most important for the custody battle. You are worried about losing your job, but you can find another. In fact, you may look for another job first to insure that you will not lose your job through actions of your husband. Or, start telling your co-workers about how screwed up your husband is, then when you break it off, you can say what he is saying is not true. He is making it all up. Anybody can type things out to make something up. Try to find out what all your husband is doing to monitor you. There are very very strict privacy laws in the United States that are felonies. If he has bugged you, placed spyware on your computer on phone then there is a very good chance that he has broken a federal law. This may be useful in curbing his aggression. How did he get the information will be what a court will want to know and if he tries to use some of this stuff on you, then he will be admitting to a felony. Also, if you can prove he has done such a thing, then you can press charges on him or threaten such. You are fighting fire with fire. If possible, open an account in your name only and start putting money into it. $20 here and there, whatever, in order to build up some money. Have the account addressed to someplace other than home and keep all paperwork hidden. As far as how your kids perceive you, when you are on your own, then you can explain your side of the story and as they get older they will understand. The key will be in the lawyer to protect your custody rights. You may have to eat beans and rice for a year, but it will be worth it in the end. Until then play the part you are forced to play. Once you have analyzed everything and made your plan, follow through with it. Remember, it's a long road out of hell. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): 1) Get councelling
2) Read all about family law
3) Get a lawyer
4) Try to apply what you learnt from the previous marriage which went belly up.
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