A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 33 and have been married for only 8 months (been together 5 years). I love my husband, but we have nothing in common and I no longer feel close to him.He has very bad credit and cannot save money. I pay for everything, including the wedding, and feel like I'm drowning in debt - he will not help me. He always says he has no money to contribute but I know he makes about $600 more than me per month.He pays for 1/2 the mortgage and bills, but never gives me anymore. Never pays for dinners out or coffee or anything. He just says it should come out of the money he gives me (which isn't enough). If I want to go on a trip or do anything I always have to pay.He comes from an alcoholic family, and goes through about 8-10 15 packs of beer per month. He tells me he does not have a problem, and I don't drink at all. I don't know if I'm just being over sensitive, or if he does have a problem. If he does have a problem I worry about having children with him (we have none). Is he an alcoholic?He will not communicate. If anyone - even me, asks him a question I just get a flat yes or no answer. He never elaborates, and gets angry when I try to tell him my concerns. He is NEVER abusive.We never have sex. He is really not into it, and I know he was like that with his ex as well. He has begun taking anti-depressants, but I feel this is useless if he continues to drink.I always just thought all men were the same. Drink beer and watch hockey. Poor communicators and don't do special things for their wives. I'm not sure I want to live my entire life like this. I want to know if there are other men out there that are better suited to me, but am afraid I am making a horrible mistake by wanting to leave.I don't know if I should just cut my losses and start over? I'm so confused. I knew all this stuff before I married him, but I loved him - so I understand it's my fault for being in this situation.Any advice is appreciated!
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alcoholic, debt, his ex, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Contrary to all,
i would say, none of the issue mentioned is the post whihch are complex enough to post here and get advice. All these maters are part and parcel of every couple and family. Some times, husband earns, somtimes wife and some times both, most of the time wife spends, husaband stops, and in some cases, he spends and you might be controlling expenses.
I would say enjoy the life as compared to worrying about some no so significant issues which are part of every one's life.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 This is a case of self fulfilling prophecy. you expected all men to be cold,unemotional beer drinkers and hockey watchers who neglect their wifes, and you got exactly what you expected. Not because you are jinxed or because that was your destiny- but because you set the bar so low in terms of expectations that you let enter into your life people that other women would have screenedout immediately.
You sound unhappy in your marriage and it seems that neither of you would be really committed in working things out, so the best solution is calling it quits and starting over.
But until you cannot reframe your thoughts and expectations, and you do not stronglye believe that there are better men out there, and that you deserve them, you risk repeating the very same experience with a different person.
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A
female
reader, cnith  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 If I were you, I'd leave him. Tell him to grow up and be a man and you'll consider coming back to him. But no, what you married is some version of male... but you didn't marry a man. Sorry. :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): I married him because I love him. I was also getting older and feeling pressure to settle down. I also believed him to be a normal man. I thought they were all the same so why not get married. I also have no idea if the drinking is an actual problem or if I'm blowing it out of proportion. I never thought I could "change" him, but I did hope he would grow up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 May 2010):
 My boyfriend is the complete opposite of him. He doesn't drink beer, doesn't like watching sports, and a great lover in bed but we are not thinking about moving in yet. Sorry I can't tell if he's an alcoholic because I don't drink. If it's in his family it's safe to assume he got emotional problems like his family had. He did have his happy moments when you first met and got married. Find out what happened to him whether it's mid life crisis or daily life stress. Don't give up yet. A counsellor or a psychologist could help you figure out whether he's going through a phase or if it's a fatal flaw in his personality. The anti-depressants could take a year to cure his depression.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 May 2010):
 I'm curious - why did you marry him knowing all of this stuff? Did you think you could change him??
Yes, you should cut your losses, and whatever you do, DO NOT have children with him.
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