A
female
age
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*alinda
writes:I suppose I am quite old to have a question like this (I'm 60). But here goes! I have been married for 40 years to a man who adores me, and who I am very fond of. Trouble is I just dont fancy him any more. I have started an affair with a man who satisfies me sexually in every way. But, and its a big but, he's sexually kinky. He's a transvestite, a masochist, a voyeur, an exhibitionist, into threesomes, orgies and everything else you can think of. But still, he's a charming and cultivated man, and I love him. So, do I leave my husband for him? Or do I give him up and make the best of what I've got. Help!
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female
reader, malinda +, writes (12 June 2007):
malinda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to all the people who replied to my question. It was nice to get so many different answers, and mens viewpoints as well as womens (thnks especially Kaden). I have lots of food for thought now. My situation is of course, much more complicated than can be explained in a short question. Thanks again!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): I would say no to your question. You have stability there in your marriage. I can understand how you feel, this other guy is exciting and the sex is awesome, but I think that if you leave your hubby, you will end up unhappy.As someone said before, the excitment wears off eventually.Maybe you can, encourage your husband to do some new exciting stuff. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kaden  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 Seems like you've got a bit of a predicament on your hands. First off, you say you're in love with both of them. Maybe you should sit back and ask yourself who you're IN love with? Make sure you're not in love with the fact that the guy can satisfy you, and make sure you don't just care for your husband. And if you are in love with both men, then really either way you go it can be good for you and bad. With your husband you have that security, you know he's going to stick by you. You have some one to continue growing old with.On the other hand, if you choose this other fellow you know there is probably a risk of him being a bit of a player and it's seems as though it'd be a bit more on the sexual side then anything else.Really what it comes down to is what YOU need in your life now. The stability is good for some people but others sometimes just need some excitement. And I don't even dare taking age into consideration. You should be able to have fun no matter how old or young you are.So do you need the security or the sexuality? Also, if you have kids, you may want to take them into consideration..Either way, good luck. I hope you make the best decision to make yourself happy and not anyone else.
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 Hi Dear!I think, one is never to old to learn the difference between falling in love, fancy someone and really deeply love someone! I had to learn it, when I was fallen in love very badly with young man a few years ago and when it broke off I had to realise - it was not real deep love and I was only just hurt a lot... Anyway, I would like to tell you, what I've learnt since then about the difference between falling in love with someone and really deeply love someone:I try to explain you what I learnt about different aspects of love:- Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really control it yourself. It is like being on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. It's a chemical reaction or emotional response. This is fun and can create amazing feelings! You can compare it with being drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems. So when you fall in love you are infatuated in that person. Your can forget all around you and your feelings and cogitations are with this person. You are just happy and don't see any problems.- Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. The disappear and they will not come back in the same form.-Sex is a part of love, of a real, deep, solid love. In me opinion sex is a thing for a really close relationship where one partner loves the other one very deeply and one can really trust the other one. Only then sex will be one of the nicest things in the world. You really become one.If you just have sex for fun, it will only assuage your need, but you will not find peace in it. It can be used like a drug and it can be very frustrating when you use it just like this. I think one could have great sex with a person you can't stand and really enjoy it (I think I could not, but I believe others can), but you could never love the person itselfe, but only his or her body. So if you have great sex with someone you can't stand - could that be love? And on the other hand, if the partner you love will have an accident and will not anymore be able to meet your sexual needs, will you still be able to love him or her? Sex is not love and love is not sex, but I believe that if you enjoy sex with the partner you really love, this is has a very big dimension.- If you decide to love the other person, you put this person on the first place in your life. This definition of real, deep, solid love I've learnt form the Christendom and it doesn't agree with the modern view of love. Today to love an other person means that oneself wants to rejoice. You expect him or her to be accountable for you for everything. The other person has to do everything to make you happy and fill every hole and gap in you. But nobody is able to do this and nobody is perfect and we can not expect them to be! But if we do and if this is our definition of love, no wonder, there are so many divorces. 2000 years ago they already knew that this concept of love doesn't work, why should it today???Well, what I think is that you are just bored in your (sex)life at the moment. You are already 40 years with the same man – wondering if there could be something more interessting. But what was it like in the beginning with your husband? If there is something new, how long will you enjoy it? I think I can read in your words, that you are not sure about if really like his kinky man. Suddenly it will be boring, too? What happens then? You say yourself that you are very fond of your husband. As I am very fond of my boyfriend, I know, this is love. It is not the love with the butterflies in the stomach, but it is even better. Don't you think you love your husband? Don't you think, as he adores you still after 40 years, he deserves that you stay with him? You know already by yourself that you want to stay and this kinky man is not really what you are looking for, but just some fun for the moment. But short fun does not least for long. I am very sure about this. Because of this, I would recommended you to end this affair now and to go back to your husband which adores you not only for sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): definately.done the same no regrets though its painful to hurt good people.good sex brings good mental health.be brave
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female
reader, trizzac  +, writes (11 June 2007):
 i think you sud stick wit ur husband a 40 yr marrage jesus dats hard 2 find try nd ask your huband bout sex nd tell ur needs he'll respect wat you want xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): I think you should leave your husband if you don't fancy him anymore, life is about being happy and as they say 'never regret what makes you smile'. I personally think that it is time for you to move on from husband and yeah be with this other guy if that's what will make you happy. At the end of the day if you didn't meet this other guy then you would of met someone else, when that spark goes, it goes that's why so many marriages don't last and no matter what anybody says- passion DOESN'T last forever, we are only human and we do eventually get bored, 40 years is a long long time you should be proud for that. Go and live your life hunny,hope it all works out for you.
xxx
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A
male
reader, Jubbaloo +, writes (11 June 2007):
 I agree with the previous comment, but you have to enjoy life aswell. I think you need to come to a decision because if your husband finds out then he will be crushed.
Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 June 2007):
 Give him up and make the best of what you've got. I think the kinky stuff will get old very fast. A 40 year old marriage to a guy who adores you is certainly very hard to come by these days.
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