A
male
age
51-59,
*lone in Upstate
writes:Another night of being ignored. Together almost 20 years, and feeling alone for the last 5.I have gotten the excuses "I need to be in the mood (emphasis on I)".....I'm too tired, the proverbial headache, yet her addiction to Facebook and games will keep her up 2 hours after we're both in bed together. I've heard the "I don't like how I look" and have had the threat of kids interrupting as another convenient excuse also.I have been conditioned to stop asking for fear of rejection - the constant NO feels like crap. We have had a few nights sans kids, and her defense is instantly "we don't HAVE to have sex....we can cuddle" which I'm OK with.....until she's uncomfortable 2 minutes in and rolling around...No hellos or goodbyes, even the kids have asked hey why we never hug or kiss. I am spent. I get the story that other couples are like this but know there's other couples who aren't. I am starting to shut down to everything and thinking it's time to move out and on my own, alone. I drive 300 miles per day, alone, in my car, why not spend waking and sleeping hours alone too ? Who has experienced the same thing and how did you cope with it ?
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 It sounds like she is no longer attracted to you. The meds may indeed be affecting this, but it's likely there's more to it.
You can't go on like this. I would advise you to sit down with her and have a frank discussion about what the real problem is. If you need help, suggest going to counselling together. You can't let this continue.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): what has happened is that your wife is no longer attracted to you. That's why all the reasons and excuses come out to avoid physical contact. The true reason isn't that she has a headache or the kids may walk in or what. Those are excuses to mask the real reason which is that to her, being physically intimate with you feels like a chore and not something that she enjoys. (and, being in a long-term marriage, it is a RECURRING chore)Yes this happens to many other long married couples (there are many dysfunctional marriages all around, those are the ones that did not get divorced). and yes it also does not happen to many others. For those that it happens to, it's a sad state of affairs, to me it calls into question whether the relationship has run its course and should be acknowledged as such.I don't know why your wife has lost attraction to you because I don't know you or her. That's for you to find out. But, some common reasons that married people lose attraction to their spouse include:- you have physically "let yourself go" , as determined by however SHE defines it. She no longer considers you a physically attractive man.- she considers you to be a physically attractive person, but she has let herself go and she loathes herself. Being physically intimate forces her to confront her own body which she dislikes so she tries to avoid intimacy to avoid triggering her own self-loathing as a self-defense mechanism.- She doesn't like your personality. Maybe you have changed your personality over the years, or maybe she has.- She doesn't respect you. e.g. she doesn't think you are competent, intelligent, hardworking, successful, whatever it is her metrics are. She doesn't think you are 'a catch.' Whether or not these are fair judgments on you is not the point, it's her perception whether it's true or not.- She feels deeply hurt by things you've done or said and thus has put up barriers around her against you.- She feels deeply resentful towards you for things you've done or said. Resentment kills attraction.- maybe as a result of any one or all of the above, she has fallen in love with another man. if that happens, there is practically no hope for you. But still I would seriously consider if maybe she has had an affair or is having one, and thus further distancing herself from you is what she does to alleviate guilt.Those are just some general reasons that people fall out of love with their spouse. If you want to do what you can to improve your marriage, you need to find out what's causing her to lose her attraction to you. "chasing her around for a hug or kiss" is just about the WORST thing you can do. What do you hope to accomplish by that? would you be satisfied with a wife who has to be chased down to give you a kiss? How will that make her feel more positive towards you? Do you just want her to pretend?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 Sure , it could be the meds, ... but the chronology is a bit off. She's on meds since 10 years, but it's only 5 years that she cooled off toward you, right ?
Has anything particular happened 5 years ago ? I don't know, a rough patch in your marriage, a string of arguments , that can have been officially overcome and forgotten, but actually have left a bitter aftertaste, a degree of emotional detachement ?... Did you change job or schedule, did she ?...Did you, or her, change a lot physically, gained a lot of weight ?... Are there big money worries in your family,worries about the future or the kids ? A crude proverb here says " a dick needs to have no worries "... and I suppose it's true for the female counterpart too. More , in fact- I have known men that are sad, bored and unhappy yet still go after physical release, even if deep down don't really enjoy it that much. A woman... I think she has to feel reasonably happy with herself and her life to maintain a healthy sexual appetite, otherwise her dissastisfaction spills over to sex and, as another poster was mentioning, it ends up in a " why bother " kind of mood , it seems more work than it's worth it.
That's all guesswork of which probably none at all applies to your situation, but I find it curious that up to 5 years ago it was all sex and romance between you, then all of a sudden, poof, it's over. Short of a physical illness , that you don't mention, then there must be some psychological reason.
Did you ever talk to her about it, did you tell her that you notice how things have changed between you ( not just sexually but emotionally ) , did you ask her why, did you invite her to work together to find back the armony you used to have ?... what did she say ?
Another thing, you label all the reasons as " excuses ", i.e. lies- you don't believe she is tired, you do not believe that she feel unsexy, you don't believe that she is afraid of being interrupted by your kids.....how's that ? I mean, how come you suspect her to be bullshitting you ? Why should they necessarily be lies - not that thy could not be ! , but how come the trust level has become so low, that automatically you suspect there's something else behind her reasons ?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 June 2013):
 Oh absolutely -- the anti-anxiety medications are absolutely notorious for trashing libido. It would make sense that she loves sex, but feels averse by it. Anti-anxiety meds, for good measure, will not only impair sexual desire, but also sexual response. Many people are unable to reach orgasm, find their orgasms dulled, or develop headaches or muscle aches after it.
In this case, she can go to the doctor to receive medicine to help balance out that side effect, or switch medicine to something with less of that particular effect. Anti-anxiety meds are notorious for sexual side effects, but some are worse than others. In your case, I don't think it's because she doesn't want you...it's because anti-anxiety meds are designed to "even out" emotional and physiological response, which includes intense sexual desire.
If that is the case, then there is hope for you! If your wife loves you, she'll be open to helping find a solution.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Sorry about your story. It's a good thing you got off the meds, it is more apparent now that her dependence on the anti-anxiety medication may have taken away her desire for sex.The mixture of drugs and alcohol often kills the libido.All medications warn of side-effects. The FDA suggests that you notify your doctor when you experience any unusual psychological or physiological side-effects when taking prescription medications. It may be time for her to see a new doctor, and to decide on a new system of therapy. People rely too heavily on medication which cannot cure anxiety, it only numbs you to things that trigger anxiety. Your life history cannot fit into your post. So many factors may be affecting her libido.There is always two sides to every story. She may simply be unhappy being married to you; and her medication is her only refuge. She avoids intimacy and will not even offer a hug. A hug is not sexual, it is a form of affection. She offers you nothing. You may need to consider the fact that she doesn't feel the love for you she once did. This could be the culmination of years of unresolved marital problems. People live through years of denial in a marriage, and at some point it comes to a head. She may have just decided to just co-exist in your marriage for the sake of financial security and comfort. It's better than struggling alone.In any case, you'll have to make a decision that you can live with.
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A
male
reader, Alone in Upstate +, writes (25 June 2013):
Alone in Upstate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice ! I run my own business - a 300 mile day is out at 9am and back by 5 , mainly 4 days a week - it's all local driving (per se). She is on an anti anxiety med and has been for 10 years - she convinced me to medicate 8 years ago and nothing had changed after 2 years, plus I had some serious side effects so I got off meds completely. She enjoys sex - which is why it baffles me that it's one of the farthest things from her mind. Again, there's no touch - no hugs - no holding hands, the simplest of things that I have to chase her around and almost beg for.......it's tough. We'll see where it is in another month.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 June 2013):
Do you know if she is taking any prescription medications? Many sntidepressants, blood pressure meds, anti-anxiety, and opiate painkillers have the unpleasant side effect of taking a hatchet to libido. Lack of exercise and a diet high in carbs and low in protein can dampen it as well. Add to that a sense of familiarity and a self-consciousness of body image and that can be a death knell to sex.
I think you should talk to her, but instead of being adversarial, as in "I'm not getting any and you need to give it to me" to both of you together coming up with the solution. Here's what I mean:
Tell her that you feel alone without physical intimacy, alone enough that you've had thoughts of leaving to find it, but you don't want to, so something has to change. Instead of telling her she needs to get her act together, tell her "We need to work together to see how our sex life can be re-vitalized, and how we can work on raising sexual desire, because truly we can't go on like this".
If she is suffering depression and lack of libido, start with a family physician to see what can happen to raise it. If there is deep-seeded resentment, marriage counseling is a fantastic way to root out that stuff. If she is feeling pressure (worry is one of the biggest sex drive killers out there!), it's gotta come out!
One last thing -- many people overlook this, but you didn't mention this, but I bet you've gotta be bored as hell! Why not change some things up! Be less predictable. Look for a clothing style/hair style change! Pick up an entirely new hobby! Evolve, and all of a sudden the strangest thing starts happening. She simply cannot react to you the way she's used to! Hell, she might think you're having an affair, but I'm not saying to be disloyal. Merely go on an adventure! People in comfortable relationships start feeling the need to change when their environments do. You have no idea how much of a simple impact of buying a new cologne can have on piquing female interest!
If you drive 300 miles per day, is there any chance that there's a different position in your job that won't require that much driving?
Funny, while I was at the gym the other day, there was a Married With Children episode on, and the husband on that show decided to sell more shoes, he started shaving, dressing in suits, wearing cologne, and all of a sudden, he started attracting every woman around him. He eventually got sick of that, so he went back to his comfortable, no-frills self. His reason? "I did all that when I was looking to attract women! I don't need to do that anymore".
Sometimes we forget that in a marriage, our latent power of attraction still needs to be tapped. She starts seeing you upgrading your look, smelling better, even walking taller, and she's going to take notice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Very good advice. I just wanted to add ( and this is not against you in anyway) Does SHE get pleasure from sex? Sometimes women revert and shy away from sex when they arent getting any pleasure from it. Its more work than its worth to have sex, basically. I agree that this probably has more to do with age, menopause and hormonal changes, but just something to consider and like the first poster said talk to her about. :) I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): I hear what you're saying. I won't go into the reasons, but after 30 years in this relationship my sex life is history too. I've thought long and hard about what to do. What I've concluded is that I still like my wife. I'm more comfortable with her than with anyone else in the world. I trust her to have my back. That's pretty good, and more than lots of people have. No, it's not everything. I get huge pangs of sadness when I think that sex for me is in the past. But I've chosen to settle for the bird in the hand.That won't cut it for lots of people. It might not for you. It's a tough decision to make. But none of the guys I know who tried to start over with new relationships in middle age had it work out. So for me it's not worth the risk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Aging has a different effect on men and women; due to the hormonal changes involved. Your wife may be going through menopause, and she really has little control over her libido; if her body is still in the middle of hormonal change.I'm only siting this as the usual case; for people in your age-group. Women look at their aging bodies and when they don't see that school-girl figure, their self-esteem plummets. No one will ever be able to resolve the issue why women suddenly lose sexual interest; while her partner suffers from the lack of sexual fulfillment. It seems to happen more often to women than men.Where were you during that period between her late thirties to early forties when women are at their peak of sexualintensity?The irony is; they don't want him to cheat on his marriage; but they do nothing to prevent it. Intimacy is very important in a marriage.Men sometimes undergo the changes of age slower; so that makes it psychologically harder for her to come to terms with her own body changes. She feels less attractive. She may even notice your changes, and find some of them unattractive as well. Baldness, an extra chin, a beer gut.Hair in places you never had it before. Or if you're fit and active, and she isn't. She feels inferior and self-conscious when naked around you. Many women going through menopause, or have undergone the change, experience vaginal dryness. It makes sex uncomfortable. They may also experience a significant dropin sexual drive when estrogen levels are low. If she hasn't seen her doctor about her lack of sexual desire; than she has probably decided it isn't important to her. That is sad; because you obviously still have an attraction to her, and you have needs. People who have marriages that last for many many years have learned how to keep things going. They've learned how to communicate their problems and compromise on remedies to their marital issues. They most often have an active sex life into their 70's; even their 80's.Some survive through marriage counseling; but what is done, is done. Both parties have to be willing to save the marriage. If she doesn't want to seek treatment or therapy to revive her sexual urges; then you must decide how important sex is in your marriage. Making excuses is a clear indication she doesn't seem to care; or sex just isn't important to her.If your mate has reached a point she is unwilling to compromise; then that is a sign you may have now reached an emotional impasse. Why wouldn't she want to make love to you? Why wouldn't she want to determine why she no longer feels the desire to? All it takes is a physical examination and a few tests.You have to ask her to stop with the excuses, and explain how she really feels. When she realizes how important it is to you; this should awaken something within her.You have to call her on it; even if it is an uncomfortable conversation for her. You've been patient enough.Once marital life reaches a point of impasse, and no resolution seems imminent; then divorce is the only option.There is no reason why a healthy man or woman, should have to survive a sexless marriage; unless one partner is so physically incapacity by an illness, that they have no choice. Then emotional love has to supersede the physical act of sex.I can't image living without sex.
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A
female
reader, razzberry0404 +, writes (25 June 2013):
I would ask her, ask her what's going on? Has she changed her mind about the two of you? Does she still love you want to be with you? Seriously, you don't wnat to let it get the best of you and shut down. That's when animosity kicks in surpressed anger, emotions you might end up in a blow up and say things you don't mean. I've come to learm communication is very important. I know the feeling "we don't have to have sex, we can cuddle" but my guy cuddles he doesn't toss and turn...I'm sorry to hear your having these issues. I would ask her to have a long conversation about it. I understand the fear of rejection all to well. But if you don't ask you will never know.
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