A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:Basically, I was in a unhappy marriage for the last 8 years and we could never really talk about anything. As soon as I would try to talk about how I felt, she would turn it around and make it about her feelings or would just say I was wrong and argue with me. She just could never listen to anything I needed to say and I had nobody to talk to. I had friends who I tried to confide things to, such as how I felt about my wife and I felt trapped. But whatever I said would always be mentioned to somebody, usually my wife. She would then turn round and say something like, "Oh so now you are telling (insert any name here) that I am trapping you?" and things like that. She was also accusing me of cheating less than a year into our relationship, which I never did.She would never be happy unless I was doing something around the house, so if I said I was going to the shop or to see a friend, she would be like, You are supposed to be doing the yard or the dishes or whatever else she could think of to stop me doing anything. I often found myself making an excuse to go to the toilet just so I could get a few minutes to myself.Eventually I started to use computer forums and eventually chatrooms. She knew I used forums, but she would have gone mad if she knew about the chatrooms. She would then have a go at me because of the forums, saying I was sad talking to people that are not real, totally ignoring the fact that I never had time to talk with anybody else.Eventually, I got talking to a girl in a chatroom and as time went on, I became very comfortable talking to her, then on MSN. I could tell her about my problems and she could tell me hers. She confided in me and I felt good that I was able to help. I could say what was on my mind without fear of recrimination. I felt happier than I had felt throughout the whole of my marriage. But I felt guilty as I was having to talk to her behind my wifes back. After a few months, I arranged to go and meet this girl, I told my wife I was going to a stag party with some of the guys from work. She tried to stop me from going obviously, but I eventually got there and met this girl. All we did was walk around the city centre and talk. I felt so happy that somebody was actually there to listen to anything I had to say. I was there for 2 nights and felt so comfortable around this girl.Over the next few months, I started to develop feelings for her and her for me, which ultimately made me realise that I loved this girl and realise how unhappy I was in my marriage.Eventually I told my wife everything and she went ballistic, as expected.We had a bad break up and she started to confide in my sisters boyfriend. He is my best friend, but my sister has always been paranoid that he fancied my wife for a long time and would always make snide comments if he ever visited the house. He was a rock to my wife and helped her cope greatly with our break up. I never suspected for a second that anything would ever happen between them. She was always faithful and I was secure in the knowledge that he would not cheat on my sister or betray me.Because they had got so close, yet my sister hated it, my mate would have to sneak around just to spend time to talk to my wife.One time, my wife had to go to town and so did my friend, so he offered to give her a lift in his car. They went to the car but it had broken down, so they had to get a bus. They spent all day in town.When he got back, I was at my mums, where I now live. He came in and told my mum that he was with my wife for half an hour and then went to do his own thing. I knew this was a lie. My wife then phoned me and started having a go at me, because there were 3 missed calls on her mobile from me. I started to suspect that she had something going with my friend.She told me they had spent all day in town together, but he had to lie to my mum about being with her in case she told my sister.She swore that nothing happened with him, but she found it easy to talk to him. I explained that she was sneaking around behind my sisters back to spend time with him, which was similar to the thing I did which split us up in the first place.Now I am still in love with this girl who I met and want to be with her forever, but lately I keep having nightmares about my wife and best friend and my feelings for her are starting to creep back in.My wife has said that she will never take me back under any terms, because she can never trust me and just wants to be friends. I try to be friends, but whenever I try to talk, she brings up the past and starts having a go at me.I just dont know what to do. I am in love with this girl, but still love my wife. I don't want her back, but the thought of her with my friend drives me crazy.I also want to add, I love this girl and told her I loved her. My wife sees this as cheating, although we have never kissed or anything. My wife is using the cheating and grounds for divorce. I am scared that she will develop stronger feelings for my friend and they will end up together.She wants another child someday, (we have 3 together) I feel totally destroyed by the thought of her with another man. I know I must seem selfish because I fell in love with someone else, but nobody will ever understand why I feel like this. I needed somebody to be there for me, now I am paying the price for being happy.My wife hates me for something she is now doing herself. Is she seeking some sort of revenge? What should I do?Sorry if this is a bit long, there is loads more, but hands are getting sore with typing now.
View related questions:
best friend, chat room, divorce, fell in love, msn, revenge, stag , trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Lostandalone.
As I said, these nightmares have been making me start to fall for her again. I have been texting her telling her I love her and things like that, but she wont answer my texts and I have phoned her a few times, but she does not answer.
This morning (my payday), she phones and asks me if I can give her £300. I am already paying her catalogue bills, rent, contract phone, money for the kids and some other debts. At least she finds me good for something!! cheeky bitch.
I hate her because of the way she is being with me, deserved maybe, fair, no.
I wish I did not feel this way, I feel like I am torn apart. I feel like my whole life is a mess of emotions.
A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (27 September 2006):
 Hold your head up man. Just because you cheated doesn't make you a monster first of all, and you not mentioning your children doesn't seem unfair or wrong to as Camille mentioned, because without your happiness they won't be happy so sometimes you have to be selfish. You were abused and that to me is even worse than cheating. Now as for the comment what goes around comes around, that is very true. Your wife might pay you back but not always the way you gave it to her. I mean could it be that she is reaping what she sowed for 8 years of abuse to you. I don't think Camille covered that point. She made her own bed and now she will have to except her part in your infidelity. Continue your counseling and keep striving. Your wife doesn't love you if she did it wouldn't have taken cheating for her to apologize. Love is shown in action also. To hell with her!!! She can say she won't treat her next partner that way but thats crap. Just pray for the next ass that she inherits. GOOD LUCK!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have spoken to my wife and friend about it. Both swear there is nothing going on.
I did try everything to make thigs work with my wife and with my kids. I love them more than anything and will continue to be a good dad.
I dont want my wife back because of how she has always been towards me. We all need to be able to talk to somebody, that was all I wanted and needed. The one person I wanted always pushed me away. There is only so far someone can push you before you start to push back.
I stood up to my wife best I could, but when she starts shouting and upsetting the kids and the whole street hears our business, then I would usually walk away or go quiet.
She has realised how much of a bitch she was to me, (her words, not mine) and apologised for it. "I wont be a bitch to my next partner, I will always try to be loving with him". Nice, I get used as a practice run.
Yes, it would seem selfish to somebody who does not know the whole story, but I think you would have to have been in my position to realise just how badly I was treated. My whole family have made comments about it.
The whole thing has made me an emotional wreck, I cant even talk to anyone without crying. I am now seeing a psychiatrist who says I have a personality disorder.
...............................
A
female
reader, camille +, writes (27 September 2006):
 I am sorry that your marriage was already making you unhappy before you sought solace from a starnger but it's no excuse for the mess you're in. Problems are always best tackled head on. Sorry to be brutal but you don't want your wife but you don't want anyone else to have her, you're as bad as each other. You betrayed her and she may be doing the same. Getting a taste of your own medicine is never nice but at the moment I suggest you focus on what exactly is going on. I would totally understand if you were suspicious and if it turns out to be true, angry because of the betrayal to your sister and by your friend BUT you seem to be all about you! That is pretty selfish in my book and to be honest, what goes around comes around. You didn't take your children into account and they only got a mention at the end when you said you hate the fact she may have another with someone else. What about the 3 you have? Come on mate, get a grip. You have responsibilities to your children. Your marriage sounds over and besides, you love someone else. Be a great Dad and let your wife make her own mistakes. Talk to your friend and try to make him see (by your example) that lying, sneaking and doing things in secret only end in heartache. Tell him to keep away from your 'wife' for the sake of his own marriage...to your sister. And let him know your friendship could be in the balance too. Your wife sounds like a difficult woman to live with and perhaps you should have stood up to her more, however, she can cite 'cheating' as a divorce reason....I believe you don't need sex to cheat, as it all boils down to dishonest lying. That said, good luck, but keep your kids as the priority.
...............................
|
