A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:recently found my high school girlfriend, and i think i still love her. ( we dont remember why we broke up, and if we made it offical, we just seperated per family and friends wishes)she sought me out and we have been talking for a few months, we recently meet up to talk and the old spark was there. i am married but in a lustless and stale life, and i have tried to cheat once ( i was arrested for buying a hooker ). i dont want my old love to be the "other woman", she has said its ok ( but she has been down a hard road in life and deservse better than me ), and i dont want my wife to be hurt ( again she deserves better tan me ).i know what i have to do i just wonder if i am going to choose the wrong path, i love my wife but there are things missing in our relationship, and the roles feel unequal at times. i am guilty about those feelings as she has many medical issues that prevent her from doing many things, but she seems to not want to work to get better and it has been very hard to watch her get sicker/ i have been with her through all of the issues and she forgave me for the one time arrest, so i am lucky and should repay her for her faith in me. sorry this turned into a confession and i feel better. my question is how do i know i am ment to be with my wife when i fell for my old flame so fast again.?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Your wife is sick and she needs you. If you cheat on her now you are pretty much the worst husband ever. Keep that in mind.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Seriously dude? You were willing to cheat on your wife with a hooker? Now you want to cheat on her again? You are right about one thing tho....Your wife does deserve better. Not only is she sick, but her husband is being unfaithful and having feelings for someone else. "For better or for worse. Through sickness and in Health." Does that ring a bell? People just don't take marriage seriously anymore. Grow up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 March 2011):
 You are in a lustless and stale life because your wife is sick, not because this is how marriage is supposed to become. You have important decisions to make. You made a vow to be with her through sickness and health. Does that mean you are going to be chaste if she is slowly suffering for 30 more years? Not if sexual frustration is bringing out the worst in you. If sex outside of marriage helps you become a more loving husband to your wife, no one here is to condemn you if you do it discreetly. What's the point of following rules blindly if that makes you an angry, bitter person? If guilt stops you from doing these things, then you know what to do. Porn and toys only do a quick fix. We all have desires for connection, to be touched intimately by the opposite sex.
If, your wife's sickness is temporary, forget about that being in love feeling and just focus on faith that your wife would become better.
I don't care who that high school sweetheart is. You are sexually frustrated, any woman would do, to remind you that life is to be lived to the fullest. It could be a coworker, a pretty woman in the cafe, library, some woman on facebook.
You are meant to be with your wife until you absolutely find no reasons to stay in the marriage anymore. God chose you this path to be her protector. Life is not all rosy. Your destiny is to trust in your decisions and be authentic to your desires.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (13 March 2011):
 You should read up on lost lovers. This phenomenon is becoming more an more prevalent. Dr. Nancy Kalish has done a lot of research on the subject and published a book. She also has an site on the web and a forum.
Your situation is classic. You were teens that separated due to outside forces. The bond that you shared with your HS girlfriend was formed at a very influential time in your life, and in the presence of raging hormones. That spark you felt? Very common.
The sensory memories do not die. They lay dormant. When they are reawakened you feel like you are high on drugs. This is because they unleash a lot of brain chemicals that are similar to the ones drugs provide. It's easy to get hooked, especially if something is lacking in your marriage.
There is also the issue of the breakup being unresolved. If you were forced apart, those questions stay with you. You wonder what would have happened if you had stayed together. Unlike an actual breakup, where there is a reason, this was has none. It's hard to get over something if you don't know why it ended, so people usually don't.
Seeing her again was probably like stepping into a time machine. Who wouldn't want to be 16 again? It's all very powerful, but, unfortunately there is very little reality to it. It is an escape from the drudgery that married life sometimes brings. Acting on these feelings usually causes more problems than it solves.
You say you love your wife. You'll need to get into marriage counseling to strengthen your marriage. However, you won't get anywhere in marriage counseling if the other woman is still in the picture.
I'm afraid you'll have to make a choice. Your wife and your marriage or divorce and your high school girlfriend. It's not easy, I know. If you do not go the marriage counseling route, then perhaps counseling just for you, to help you deal with this dilemma.
Good luck,
TEM
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