A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I'm in my early 20's and got married to my HS sweetheart. Very typical; most of you already know why I need advice. She is quite possibly the best thing for me and keeps me grounded, she's smart and ridiculously good looking. All my friends are envious of my life... but I am not. The way I feel I'm afraid is part of this huge commitment I made. I think I'm gay. At some point in college my curiosity turned into 2 hook-ups. I freaked out and got back together with my gf (wife now). I have one of those shitty jobs that leaves you away from home for 11 of the 12 months of the year. Which is fine because shes finishing school. I've never had feelings this strongly and always thought if anything I was bi. Most people say there is no such thing as bi; im starting to agree. I'm not looking for any religious insight. If I was I wouldn't be ashamed and would come out. When I started having these feeling I told her right away and we kind of are separated right now. She still dosen't believe that I am gay and if I called tomorrow we'd be back to where we were at (minus the years of her questioning my every motive). I've known her my whole life and wanted to do nothing but make her happy... did I just not think about what I needed in life? Am I scared of this commitment so my brain is messing with me? Am I gay and just having a hard time coping due to my latent revelation? I'm so lost because I'm lost without her. It would be selfish of me to stay with her right? I really never sole searched until my most recent life experiences overseas. I know if I died tomorrow shed be the one I would see when my life flashes but by me not being truly honest about my thoughts I'm still doing her wrong. I don't know about her most inner thoughts, is that just life? I feel so young and so naive. Please even just an opinion on the myriad of questions I have would help me so much. Thank You.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): I do understand why you're saying you now feel there is no such thing as bi. I have many friends who went the 'straight' root then decided it was easier to say they were bi and actually felt.... well they found it easier to accept themselves as bi. Then they became comfortable with who they are and are now happy to label themselves gay. So for these people bi was a stepping stone to being who they are.
That said there are many people who happily identify as bi and are comfortable with that.
I love your letter and thought you should actually show it to your wife. You love her dearly. Maybe the thing you need to do is get a job close to home and see if your marriage can be saved. If not your wife will at least know she is valued and loved and will always have a good friend in you if she wants it.
Best of love mate
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): I'm personally bi and I now a hand full of guys and girls that are bi too. And really for me what it comes down to, do I love the person completly, may it be a guy or a girl. Each mind is different, many will only go one way but i'll go either way. It's a really stong statement to say if I died tomorrow she would be in your last thoughts. Its strong, it moves me when I read something like that, listen to your heart, and think of everymoment you have spent with her, and think if you would regret leaving her, what could have been and what your letting go. there is this one scripture that I like and it says a wife is like a ruby and its ment to be charished. So do you value your wife more than just a ruby. And every morning you wake up do you want her to be next to you, I mean if you had the option of course.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Poster, I would like you to take in consideration that apparently your wife has a traditional sexuality, and might not feel comfortable with the idea that her man could sleep with another man. I bet she does not want to share you, no matter the sex of the other person. I am afraid this is what is implied in your speaking about bisexuality. If I am right, then suggesting bisexuality is a very bad idea, in my humble opinion.
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A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Hello,
You said; 'Most people say there is no such thing as bisexuals, I'm starting to agree'...
To quote from the American Psychiatric Association’s statement on sexual orientation:
“Research over several decades has demonstrated that sexual orientation ranges along a continuum, from exclusive attraction to the other sex to exclusive attraction to the same sex. However, sexual orientation is usually discussed in terms of three categories: heterosexual (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to members of the other sex), gay/lesbian (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to members of one’s own sex), and bisexual (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to both men and women). This range of behaviors and attractions has been described in various cultures and nations throughout the world.”*
To continue, the Kinsey Institute has developed a scale on which to list the ranges of sexual orientation; 0 representing 100% straight, 6 representing 100% gay, and 1-5 representing various degrees of bisexual.**
Along that line of thought, it may be possible that you are a 2 or 3 (for example) on the scale; still very much interested in women, and fully capable of physical and romantic desires for them, but you also have the capacity to feel those same emotions for other men on some level. That is one possibility.
Recognizing these desires only acknowledges a facet of your personal sexual orientation. As a married man, who clearly cares for his wife, coming to terms with this fact ultimately has no more bearing than if you were to desire other women. If you are truly in love with your wife than your fidelity to her and your committed relationship will supersede any other desires. Remember that there are many straight people with bisexual spouses.
In my personal opinion, it would only be ‘selfish’ to stay in your relationship if you knew that you are homosexual. In that case, yes, I would advocate open honesty about the situation. There are many gay people who go through with sham straight relationships and even marriages out of any number of external pressures. I don’t believe they ever truly work out. A marriage cannot be built on a lie, and it can’t be maintained by deception. Ultimately, I believe both people deserve to find true happiness with partners they can share reciprocated love with. True love.
There are even support groups for straight people who find out that their spouse is gay. Straight Spouse Network, for one: http://www.straightspouse.org/
You clearly have a great deal to reflect on. Foremost you need to work to understand the nature of your sexual orientation. If you are unable to come to terms with it on your own, than a trained therapist might be able to help. You can find a local therapist by visiting AASECT, American Association of Sex Educators Counsellors and Therapists: http://www.aasect.org/
After you come to terms with yourself, it will be time to reflect on what this means for your marriage. That will require open honesty and input from your wife. Perhaps down the road a therapist can help with that, too. However, for now, I suggest you try not to let these feelings of uncertainty and doubt trick you into ‘over thinking’ them. Take this one step at a time. The important thing is to continue being honest with yourself. On that front, I commend you.
I wish you well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): 'Most people say there is no such thing as bisexuals, I'm starting to agree'... If you of all people, having had sexual intimacy with both men and women (you are married to a woman; you say you've had '2 hook-ups' with men but you 'freaked out', obviously due to internalising society's homophobia) can seriously doubt whether bisexuality exists, the mind boggles. You sound very sweet and honest. As far as the five questions you posed, all I can say is 1) no-one but you can have any idea2) possibly. You do sound somewhat scared of the commitment3) you are either gay or (far more probably) bi, and yes you're having a hard time coping with the revelaton4) it wouldn't at all be selfish of you to stay with her if that's what you both want5) yes, that is just life, no-one can EVER know anyone else's inner thoughts unless told about them in full Hope it works out
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 June 2009):
I'm not gay, but I think I can understand what you're going through.
Though I don't believe anyone would benefit from just throwing mud at you, I do think you should not have married her. This is the real root of the problem.
I can understand that you might have grown afraid of showing your true self. I suppose you married in the hope that your feelings were just confusion and that this lovely wife of yours would do the trick. But it hasn't happened that way.
I think the right thing to do would be to let her go. Yes, it would be selfish of you to stay with her. It would also be a huge mistake. Over time, she would feel frustrated and angry, and so would you. I am sure she is feeling frustrated now. Maybe she is wondering why you married her in the first place.
Wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Aunty Tommy  +, writes (6 June 2009):
 Hey There,
This sounds like your feelings are confusing you at the moment. from your post I read you have kind of seperated from your wife, which I believe is a good idea as this gives you time and space to consider whether these feelings are true or just, sorry to say, a phase.
You need to sit down and think about your feelings and work out whether you are indeed homosexual or bi-sexual. I am a gay man and can feel for your confusions about your sexuality and my heart goes out to you in this, for you, difficult time.
I must commend you though on your honesty with your wife and telling her your feelings, many guys would not even think of being honest to the degree you have been.
Only time will help ya decide on which path to take but the deep feelings for your wife may be because you have known her for so long. However, my advice should not be taken as professional advice, as it comes from my own experiences (although i have never been married in your case).
Take time to investigate your feelings, dont rush into anything without thinking about it thoroughly and dont choose the easiest option and regret what you have done in future years.
Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): I know dudes that swing both ways... Its fully possible. Quit playing mind games with yourself. You are attracted to her, right? You have had sex with her right? These memories and acts cannot just be swept under the carpet of recollection. A part of you is straight, by that very concrete evidence.
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