A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of l0 years (dated 3) has had a major depressive episode. Before we met he had several and in one, he hung himself. I was not aware of his depression when we met and he only gets them when he is under massive stress every decade or so. He refuses to take anti-depressants or get therapy. He has epilepsy and his medication and the condition contributes to his depression. He has locked himself away from me and everthing and everyone one that he loved. He is in shutdown mode and isn't even shaving or taking care of himself. A while ago, he moved to a boarding house (a small room) so he did not have to deal with anything emotional. He works, sleeps and eats. I see him about once a week and I don't even recognize him physically. His doctor keeps telling me to convince him to get treatment but he just refuses. He says he isn't worth it and is scared to set his seizures (which are under control) off again.I am having a hard time watching him destroy himself and our marriage. He said he loathes himself so much now he can't express anything (feelings) and in fact is afraid too. He said we are still married and he is just working things out in his head. He was supposed to be gone for a few days, but it has turned into weeks. He won't even speak to his siblings or mother. I don't call or e-mail him - he does it. He panics if I don't answer and sends me l0 e-mails or calls until I do. I'm getting mixes messages I think. I've never had a clinical depression, so I don't understand how you can go from ( a week prior to the breakdown) loving someone to the fullest (he) to shutting down all feelings the next week and refusing to take help, so you can get yourself out of the hole you are in. He keeps saying he is broken inside..it's like please don't leave me..wait. What do I do? I love him so much, but I wondering just why he can't get help..why leave everything...everyone..he doesn't even have his possessions - just a few items of clothes.Any wisdom, especially from someone who's had depression or gone through it with someone, would be so very much appreciated. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. I am so sorry you too are going through this. I read on a depression site that one of the doctors who is treating someone with depression said the best description he had of it was to call it "the beast." We are to remember that when "the beast"speaks it is not our depressed loved ones, it's the depression.Good luck. BTW my h started meds today. It took him three months to agree to them. Hopefully, they will work enough so he will go for therapy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Hi-Just read your question and answers - there's alot of us out there. I too am in a relationship with someone i considerd to be my soulmate who suffers with depression. When we first met he was straight with me about about not being able to put me first he has a daughter and mother who needed lots of atention. This suited me newly divorced and not looking for committment - we were such friends-just fitted somehow.Over the last 8yrs or so he has had several bouts of depression. They last for varying amounts of time but the theme running through is the need need for head space just to survive. He now tells me that he feels he's letting me down, holding me back and wants to release me - to find a younger bloke. I think he fully understands that I am there for the long haul, I have agreed to a few weeks without contact so he can sought these thoughs out. It is hrtful, when all youve ever done is to offer support etc I am begining to see that what we must do is ask for things for ourselves- our own wishes otherwise the depressed partener feels he(she)s being tolerated not appreciated, treated a s sick person not someone with something to give. My problem is finding the right line to take it always seems i go too far So enough blubbing again, the best advice I guess is keep yourself motivated with your own life, if God is good you'll get your partner back from the clutches of this horrible interloper and spend more happy timestogether - I can lend you my rose tinted specs!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your answers. Re: Exercise - I agree. He recently had to give up his business because of the stress and not being able to manage it, and he got a job (about 6 weeks ago) that is very physical. It was a job that he was trained for about l0 years ago. For the first month he could barely make it home he was so tired. It is also outside - so the sun etc.The doctor thought it would help a lot being in the sun and all the physical exercise, but to date nothing. In fact he gets worse all the time. Worse since he left.The massage - part is something I hadn't thought of; perhaps, I will suggest it. BTW I have written him the letter you suggest; it was a great suggestion. He told me none of this was to do with me and that I had always been perfect for him and stayed with him through a med change and 25 GM seizures three years back. The med change started this and he's been in a low funk ever since; until now - the big one. He said he reads the e-mail and it comforts him and he is trying but he just won't take the meds. As far as shock therapy - not recommended because of his E. It is a brain seizure thing and that might upset it even more and it's been under control for about 3 years.The ultimatium I did. I went no contact with him and didn't answer his calls, e-mails and wouldn't even open the door to him unless he got help and medication. Finally, on our l0th anniversary after many pleadings and tears, I let him visit for 5 hours (last week). I sent him a few e-mails like the ones I mentioned supporting him etc. but otherthan a e-mail card for my birthday this week, I have not heard from him. Apparently, he doesn't answer even me now. He cried, pleaded etc. and I called him back, but he won't answer me - so back to no contact. It's all I can do. He wrote me for our anniversary that I was his everything and even he does not know how he can switch it off in an instant like that. But he has to be in his safe place or he'll cry and not stop.Thank you again for your answers; they really were great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): You know about the medications so I won't repeat something you know. It sounds like he won't take them anyway.
There is one thing that is successful with almost all depressions but I am not sure if it is appropriate for a seizure patient. I don't know why it shouldn't be. Electroshock therapy (EST) works wonders for most severe depressions, and no medications. Sometimes it takes several sessions but it seems to be a good posibility.
If you can make it through this depression, with EST or some other way, and I don't know why more people do not know this, vigorous exercise five days a weeks has been shown to be a more effective antidepressant than any of the SSRI medications. This effect was determined in several studies performed at major research medical universities and published in prestigious medical journals. This is no urban myth. I have to do it myself. So, once again, this is exercise and not medication. And the side-effect is you get into great shape.
Good luck.
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