A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 6 months ago an ex-girlfriend found me on facebook. It wasn't until 3 weeks ago that she finally sent me a message saying to let her know when I'm in her area, because she would like to see me. This message really got me thinking about her again. I replied 2 days later that I will let her know when I'm in her area and perhaps can meet up/talk. Since that 1st message I've been pretty bummed out. We broke up 12 years ago. We have both gotten married and she even has children. Besides my wife, she's the only woman I've loved. So anyways, she send me her phone # telling me to text her when I'm in the area. A few days ago I decided to make the trip. I sent her a text, and we met up, had coffee and talked. We didn't really talk about the past, just what we've been up to the past few years. She told me that she is in a bad marriage but is basically with her husband because the the kids. She says that it's very difficult to leave because right before she married, she became orthodox jewish (which she says she regrets) and it makes it very hard to leave a marriage. Like her, my marriage is also a mess and I told her if she ever needs someone to talk to I'm always here. After our brief meeting she texted me saying that she can't stop thining about me. I feel the same way, but didn't tell her that. I want to see her again but dont want to mess things up. At the same time I feel like we were meant to be together. She texted me a few hours after our meeting saying she can't stop thinking about me, which I didn't reply to. A day later she asked if I got that text so I know she's thinking of me. What do I do? back off? Just hope these feelings go away? Should I plan another meeting to tell her how I feel?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): Well, what no one has asked, is whether you ever had sexual relations with this ex in the past. That is, did you do anything with her before you were married? Maybe you're looking for the sex you had in the past since your sex life may not be so hot now? Or if you never did, maybe you would like to see what it would have been like with her? Is it the lure of sex, or do you really love her still?We are all human, don't act as if an affair is the end of the world. It happens for a reason, and if you do have one, then you did it for your reasons. When celebrities have affairs, it's treated as commonplace, even expected. Not saying you should sleep around with every person you have urges for. Just that you only live once, and if you and your ex become happy together, maybe your current spouses will find happiness too since no one is obviously happy now.People make mistakes. You make mistakes everyday. Some marriages are unfixable. If you have come to that point in your life, then only you will know, not the strangers here on this forum. They don't know you or your situation, and they certainly don't know your wife. Silly of them to paint either one of you as villians or saints.No one should live in an unhappy marriage. Too many people put band-aids on their marriages through therapy and still go on to live miserable lives with each other. Not saying that it doesn't work for others. Move on if you must. Be happy. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 When this woman contacted you telling you to pop up when you were in her area, did you mention that to your wife ? Did you tell her that you had met your ex for coffee? No ?..
Strange . Because when two people have been together 12 years, they'd normally mention this kind off stuff. Maybe it's not mandatory... but it's what comes natural.
So, I don't think you are totally sincere with yourself when you insist that you never had entertained the thought of turning this into an affair. You may not have set out with this intention, but you had surely not firmly excluded it. It could be that you are the type of person who would not go beyond an emotional affair , but no,
don't fool yourself in thinking that "you just need closure " or stuff like that.
BACK OFF ! you are married, the lady is married- if your marriages don't work, fix the problems with your own spouses, or with the help of a marriage counselor, not with idle ( and on the downlow ) coffee chitchats !
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Sorry for judging you. I know you had no intensions to have an affair.
I understand about closure, why don't you meet her one more time to ask her why she ended the way she did without giving you a solid explanation. I know it might sound weird to talked about something that happened so many years ago, but I understand how you feel and its important to you. What are the chances you will see her again, right? So, since you have a chance, ask her... You deserve to know the truth.
But, understand that your ex have told you that she can't stop thinking of you, so she has other intensions.. She made herself very clear that she wants you more than just friends.
I have no right to judge you. You are right, you haven't done anything wrong, but you're lying to your wife.
Now its up to you how you want to handle this situation.
1) Meet up one more time and get your answers and end?
2) If you want to continue seeing your ex, then I'll suggest you to be honest with your wife and ask for sometime apart?
Bottom line is that if you continue seeing your ex she will make a move on you.
I understand that you are having marriage problems. No matter how bad its, don't hurt your wife. I know how it feels and its really a life change experience and devastating. Its not so much about the physical aspect, but the lies and betrayal. Specially from someone that you love and respect.
No matter how bad its, I know your wife love you unconditionally, trust you and respect you with all her heart, that's why she married you.
Its your life and you have the right to be happy. All I am saying is that, just do it in the right way. Nobody needs to be hurt and be angry.
Goodluck! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Does it really matter why you broke up 12 years ago? It's not going to change anything now is it?
If you were both happily married and it was just a catch up that's fine. But you're not, (either of you), and reminiscing about old times when you're in that situation is NOT a good idea imo!
I think you should back off yes, and try and work on your own marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen we met up, having an affair was never my intentions. (which I didn't have) How we broke up was that she never returned my phone calls which was wierd because we never fought and I felt we had a great relationship. It always bothered me that I never knew the reason why it ended. I just went there because I wanted some closure. Besides my wife this is the only woman I had feelings for. We only talked breifly (25 min or so) so we never got a chance to talk about the past. I still would like to know why it ended. Do I still back off?
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 June 2011):
The previous person said this is a difficult situation? NO its not!!!
I understand you have problems in your marriage, but if you are not happy, then get a divorce.
If you think you still love your wife? Then try to fix your marriage. If you're not happy, that means your wife is not happy either. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with your wife, talk to her, get professional help, but try to work things out before it gets worst.
If you don't love your wife anymore, at least end the marriage with the respect she deserves. Just because the marriage is a mess, don't give you the right to cheat and cause your wife pain for the rest of her life. It takes two to cause the problem. Don't blame your wife, make excuse to see your ex behind her back.
You are selfish and a liar. The fact that your ex told you that she can't stop thinking of you, means you both already pass the "friends only" boundries. I wouldn't judge you if this meeting was innocent, but we both know its NOT!
Your actions shows your character. Please, save your wife pain and betrayal and decide what you want to do. Your wife might not be perfect, but she doesn't deserve this.
So simple, why make it complicated? If you have problems, deal with it. If you don't want to, the end. No matter what you say can't never justify and all excuses. People that cheat are selfish, liars, weak, no class, no character, don't you watch jerry springer or cheaters? Don't you see the kind of people that are in the show?
Be a man, own up to your actions and don't hurt your wife for life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Indeed get her out of your life quickly. You say you love your wife - Great that's all you need to know. To be frank she is needy and has gone back to someone 12 years past to try and re-connect because she has had a bad life and I really feel she is trying to make you feel the same way and look for loop holes in your marriage, don't giver her any.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Because you are here, asking for help, instead of cheating, I won't lecture you. But here's your advice: get her out of your life. Fast. You're about to have an affair that can and will ruin both of your marriages and parental relations.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Spend a lot of time going through postings on here about people who cheat and have affairs.
Understand that the problem at home won't be fixed by another relationship.
You have the same problems just with a different person, who has their own problems.
She's looking to end her marriage with an affair, which will do it, but she's not thinking about the damage it will do to the kids to do this.
Read about affairs and what it does to the kids.
If you want "out" of your marriage, end it amicably BEFORE you start messing around with someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): You say you love your wife, but your marriage is in a mess - Do you want to try to sort your marriage out? I'm guessing that your wife doesn't know you have met her/emailed each other/swapped numbers and texts right? Have you thought about how you would feel if your wife was doing this with one of her exes?I seriously think you should stop this. I can just see an affair on the cards, and lots of peoples lives getting messed up, including innocent kids. Two exes, both having marriage troubles, meeting up, texting come on you know how it starts! I suggest you either discuss you marriage 'mess' with you wife and agree to make it work, or split up if it's not workable. Either way, getting involved with a married women is not advisable - sometimes the grass isn't always greener - after all she wouldn't be your ex if she was so great would she? I'm sure she must have other friends to confide in about her troubles (she managed without you for 12 years before? You are emotionally cheating on your wife if you continue to text/meet up behind her back and you have said you felt something for her, so you are not 'just friends'I would think very carefully about what you want - you don't have to stay married if you are not happy - no-one is forcing you to. But end either your marriage or this ex interaction, as I don't think you can have both!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): That's a really difficult situation..
I suppose really you have to ask yourself, do you love your wife more than your ex? Would you be more devastated to break up with your wife, or to not get back together with your ex?
You will know exactly what to do when you answer those questions.
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