A
female
age
41-50,
*itten2
writes:I know that this is ulimately my choice but feedback is always nice and its so hard to share the total truth with the people you know.I have been married for 12 years and overall its been great. If I look back when we first met I fell in love with him because he was nice and treated me like a lady. Probably wasn't that initial head over heals feeling but I really don't remember. There has been issues throughout the marriage of things I have always wanted. He isn't romantic and doesn't get any hints I drop. Gave up on that a long time ago. Gotta love him for who he is. Also, sexually, he would like to see me with another women or man, doesn't mind other men hitting on me and looking at me. When I am drinking and flirting he pushes me and we always seem to fight because I am not that way. But overall, he is kind,loving and a great father (I have a 6 and 8 yr old) Also, I would say the the past few years I have had no interest in sex. Just not attracted to him but still love him. Kind of just thought thats being married for 12 yrs.Ok, so what leads me to writing this. He got transfered a year ago. I didn't want to move. I had everything I ever wanted but didn't have a choice because I didn't work. After the move I was sooo sooo sad. He worked all the time and hated his new position, the kids were sad and when he got home he was sad so I tried to smile and keep them happy and spent the days crying. Our friend J from our old neighborhood had started calling me regularly before I moved. I lean on him alot through this. I went to my husband on 3 occasions and told him that me leaning on him was starting to mess with my head. He told me he couldn't be there and to lean on him. On the last talk he said if I ever felt like I would kiss him to call him and he will talk me out of it. Well, through the course of the year, finanically we got buried, we lost a ton of money on our house, not to mention how depressed I was, lost friends, and then once we sold the house and wrote a large check in negative equity, my husband lost his job. When that happened he turned more into a depressed, unconfident, needy man and told me I need to go support the family now, he followed me around the house, etc. Things just got bad to worse. I got a job but then my boss on a business meeting tried to attack me. luckly I got it under control but I called him and he didn't come get me. In turn again I lean on J to call him and get his butt moving. My boss was my nieghbor and my husband still talks to him. He never got mad. Ok, which leads that through all of this J and I got closer and closer and fell in love over the past year. We spend 6 hours at a time on the phone. I have started having an affair with him the last 3 months. Its only happened on my last 2 visits and he has left his wife. He wants to start a life with me. But he isn't pushing and has stepped back for me to make my choice. Our mutal friends saw all of this before we did. They made comments of us being soul mates, we connect differently, etc. We never saw any of it until one day when we kissed and it threw us for a loop. We both thought, what the hell is this. He is everything my husband isn't and all the things I crave. He is all I think about and who I want to share everything with first.I opened up with my husband and told him everything but he only thinks we have kissed once. I told him I love him and my husband wants to fight for me. I have 2 incredible men that love me and right now my heart wants the other. I have 2 children and would have to move 1200 miles away. My husband and i have discussed all the details to that too. We have talked about everything. No fighting. Its my choice. I watched the movie Bridges of Madison County the other day and for those of you who have seen it, I don't ever want to regret not getting out of the car. Any advice would be great. My husband is a good man and said he will change. I have known J for 3 years and the last year we have only had each other. My children love him. I never thought this would happen but this year has been so bad for our family it just all fell into this.Thanks
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affair, depressed, fell in love, flirt, lost his job, money, my boss, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Your are in a very difficult situation and yes, it is never easy to make decisions like this. However, you need to choose, the sooner the better. No point delaying the agony.
Your husband have almsot send you into the arms of this other man. I can understand your feelings and your bonding with him. I also understand that you have loyalty towards your husband.
I think if it was me personally I would follow my heart. I would pack up and be with the man that makes me happy and that has been there to support me without asking anything in return.
You are "soulmates" you are connected. How can you revive your marriage if you already have such a strong bond with J.?
I think you are feeling sorry for your husband but I do not sense any love.
It is your choice, but I say, follow your heart and be happy. You deserve happiness.
If you are not sure what to do, or are hesitant because of the children and not feeling guilty etc. Why don't you go and see a counselor and get them to help you to get clarity on this and to work through your emotions and fears with you.
In closing, I want to leave this with you.
"Oh, the miraculous energy that flows between two people who care enough to get beyond surface and games, who are willing to take risks of being totally open, of listening, responding with the whole heart. How much we can do for each other".( quote by Alex Noble)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): I would say, think of all the happier times that you spent with your husband before everything changed. It sounds like the way he is now is due to all the stress of everything else and could possibly be how he used to be again? He's already said that he can change....You have to remember that it's always exciting being in a new relationship and it doesn't always stay so perfect in the long run. It's a really difficult situation that you're in and whatever you decide, you will either look back and regret your decision - or look back and think "I can't believe I even thought about staying/leaving!". My honest opinion would be, give it another go with your husband - now he knows exactly what you're feeling he can behave differently and you might even end up being stronger than you were before (same thing happened to my friend). It will be hard to give up the affair but I think your husband deserves another chance.Good luck whatever you decide to do xx
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