A
female
age
41-50,
*rokenheartedNY
writes:I am glad i found this site and hope for some helpful advice. I cant talk to friends or family because I FEEL like an idiot!I have been married for 11 years to a man i thought and everyone else thought was terrific, till Jan of this year, when i found out differently. Married 11 years, together for 14 years. I was 16 he was 21 and we now have two small girls ages 5 and 2.In January, i found about 200 porn sites on my computer, due to my husband. I also found out that when he works his over night shifts, he would stop at the porn store on the way to work(telling me and the kids ALL THE TIME he had to leave for work ten minutes earlier due to traffic) to pick up some porn dvds and would watch them at work. I found out that he has done this the whole time we have been married, AND that when i am at my minum wage paying job for spare money, he would leave the girls unattended too to look at porn and materbate on the computer for an hour or more. I also found out that he had a myspace account for over a year and i never new about it, the latest search on it was for local women between the ages of 28 and 30 who were married or swingers, my name came up there in that search yet he clicked on every other woman but me. I also found a webshots search for "hot sluts" and numerous pictures of women he had clicked to view. For about 4-5 months before January, he couldnt be bothered touching me or having sex with me, even when i would try!I do not trust him at all and i dont think i ever will be able to again. He sware he will never do it again, but then he has lied to me forever so how will i ever know. I feel like i dont even know the man i married.I never had any problem with porn before, as long as we watched together. I would even buy him porn for Birtdays and such, I never thought in my life i would ever find out something like this.The searches for Hots sluts, and teens just disgusts me as well as MILFS, He HAD a MILF at home, available anytime, anyway!I know i was his "first" of everything, but is that a good enough reason to have me believe i have been married to such a great guy, when in all he knew he was lying to me and sneaking around?Him doing this has made me feel like such a piece of crap in every aspect of my life. Like i am worthless in everyway. I feel totally FAT from seeing everyone he has been looking at, and feel like an idiot for not finding out sooner.I just need some kind of advice because i think i am losing my mind, since Jan.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): I've been married for 5 years to a beautiful women, and yes I'm "addicted" to porn. Porn is an addiction and porn is cheating. It is a horrible addiction.
If you ask your husband to stop, he might because you asked him to, but he will still want to. Some men are addicted to alcohol, adrenaline, work, whatever, drugs, food, or porn. It's going to be something.
On a biological level, certain things release endorphines, chemicals in a man's brain, there are certain stimulus that cause more endorphines to be released. For me it's porn and lust. When I'm looking at porn, I can masturbate multiple times, with multiple release, it's totally lust driven. My lust is tapped to my endorphine release. So like a lab monkey given a drug at tapping a lever. I will keep hitting those keys to keep those good feelings to release in my mind.
I have never told my wife, but I'm been masturbating like an animal since I was young. If I'm not doing it, I want to, I need my fix, just like a druggie. When you look at porn, you have to constantly look at more and more porn, different porn, variety, and it gets more intense, the same porn will not do it for you. Ask you husbands if they look at the same pornsite, over and over, yes and no. They constantly look at more and more porn. So when women say they want to try spicing things up, for variety, it wont work, why? because you cant offer the same variety that the porn can offer. teens, asians, blacks, thin, skinny, young, old, fat, legs, feet, boobs, redheads, blondes, brunettes, tall, short, teens, maids, cheerleaders, schoolgirls, animals, anal, get the point? what can you the wife offer? well maybe some outfits, uh maybe some plastic surgery, boob job? No. you can not offer the one thing porn offers.... variety. Sad but true.
I eventually cheated on my wife. I never thought I would, but after all that fantasy and porn, i wanted to take it to the next level. When i was cheating it felt great, but you know what i noticed after i cummed. the exact same feelings as with porn. I felt dirty, and i just wanted to get out of there. Porn is cheating, it's all the same, cheating with another person is just like looking at porn, you just use the women, prostittue, whoever as just a sperm receptacle, and then you leave. After that experience I'm convinced that i need to stop looking at porn, because it's ruining my marriage. Nothing my wife can do can help to reach that level of lust with porn.
So it's been six months since i said i would stop looking at porn, and you know what? i cant quit. i feel so empty without looking at porn and masturbating. during the times i stopped looking (1-2 weeks) i had a memory full of porn that i would imagine as i masturbated.
i dont know what the solution is, i know i nneed to quit but it is an addiction. treat it as one. of course like any other addiction, your husband will deny it's an addiction, i love hearing men's justifications for porn.
i think each couple will have to deal with porn differently. i know for myself, even though i stop, i will want to look at porn or desire for lust for the rest of my life.
Good luck to us all
A
female
reader, brokenheartedNY +, writes (30 April 2007):
brokenheartedNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW! I want all my years back too!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i am still as pissed about everything as the other poster, and we are going on, what? 5 months later now?
He knows i hate him for what hes done to me and my life and he knows and has said that in his heart i deserve better than him, and wants to be the man i THOUGHT he was, NOW I still dont think i will ever forgive him, how sad is that? He knows that as well.
Since my last update there has been nothing, well nothing i could find that is. I have ever checked his lockers at work on random nights to see if there was anything in there. Also went with him to the porn store to cancel his account. Still has no money and i still think he lies and sneaks. How? I dont know, lol But i think i will always feel this way. I loved him with a massave amount of love and he broke my heart and trust. The two things i value alot.
I promised myself that if i find one thing, even if its small, i am leaving him. I deserve a man who loves ME, and WANTS ME. (And there is another man who wants me, and its been HARD to not act on it, simply for just wanting to hurt my husband the way he did me) I am 30, yes been married for almost 12 years, BUT i am still young enough to find myself a real man and start over. My husband has been told this as well, so it will not be a shock to him if something does slip up and he sees me walking. I guess my "Pity Me" days are over and i have become the woman i used to be, with the exception of having the man i THOUGHT i had. Instead, i feel like i just met him.
So, I am still around, hurt and still shocked but now in charge of my future.
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A
female
reader, brokenheartedNY +, writes (30 April 2007):
brokenheartedNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW! I want all my years back too!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i am still as pissed about everything as the other poster, and we are going on, what? 5 months later now?
He knows i hate him for what hes done to me and my life and he knows and has said that in his heart i deserve better than him, and wants to be the man i THOUGHT he was, NOW I still dont think i will ever forgive him, how sad is that? He knows that as well.
Since my last update there has been nothing, well nothing i could find that is. I have ever checked his lockers at work on random nights to see if there was anything in there. Also went with him to the porn store to cancel his account. Still has no money and i still think he lies and sneaks. How? I dont know, lol But i think i will always feel this way. I loved him with a massave amount of love and he broke my heart and trust. The two things i value alot.
I promised myself that if i find one thing, even if its small, i am leaving him. I deserve a man who loves ME, and WANTS ME. (And there is another man who wants me, and its been HARD to not act on it, simply for just wanting to hurt my husband the way he did me) I am 30, yes been married for almost 12 years, BUT i am still young enough to find myself a real man and start over. My husband has been told this as well, so it will not be a shock to him if something does slip up and he sees me walking. I guess my "Pity Me" days are over and i have become the woman i used to be, with the exception of having the man i THOUGHT i had. Instead, i feel like i just met him.
So, I am still around, hurt and still shocked but now in charge of my future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): I think it would be great to sabbotage all the porn sites. It sounds like there are quite a few in the same position. Perhaps we could get them turned on, and then mention things about their mothers, family values,the cost of losing all that they have,etc. I am sure some computersmart ,compassionate, person could figure something out. Guess who's going to be a millionaire? Women in this bull,would gladly beg , borrow, or steal,to send you the funding to launch your plan. Hey I'd even pay to see the expressions on all their dumbfounded faces. Oh well just an enterprising thought.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): I ,for one, cannot believe all of us wonderful ladies are in this position!!! What is happening? I originally visited this site hoping somebody could give me some advice or insite into the reason my man is doing this. I now sit here in shock and disbelief!! It's an eppidemic!! Should I laugh or cry? What do we all do now? I feel so very sorry for everyone who has,or is going through this. It's pretty hard to ignore the situation. I was told "just don't think about it", When I first started suspecting something and asked why our sex life was non-existant. Now I feel like telling him that as I'm walking out the door to find a real man! I might just stick around awhile,and make his life sheer hell. It really is a spot that we've been shoved into.I'm almost at the point of recking everything in the place that belongs to him, and say so how does it feel to have all you valued destroyed? Well I guess there isn't anything you can do (except throw me in the slammer)(which in most ways would be better than living in this hell). SORRY! I just don't get it.How can it be. Why us? If these men are into this before they meet us,what is the point?They don't want to interact sexually with us. Maybe they look better in society with a wonderfull and respected lady by their side. I call it stealing life. Nobody wants to hear what I think about liars and thieves. How can we get paid back for the years stolen from us? How can they give back all that they've stolen? I want my ten years back,and that statement is no dumber than the one he said to me. Come on men! Get a grip!On reality,not yourselves! I have looked the other way so long and also turned down many opportunities,because I thought when he told me he loved me he meant it. Well,so much for credibility.The tears,and the years. I really don't know how to help you. I sure wish I could. Is our only alternative to leave everything we've worked to build behind? There isn't any discussion my man will enter into on the subject anymore, so I guess I'm finding my answer. If your man could be made to understand the pain(and it is devestating) Maybe a part of him could realise he needs to fix this asap! Please know you are a strong and wonderfull person. Do not under any circumstances, take any part of the blame for this. HE is at fault totally. If he is half the man you thought you had. He better fix it. I am so upset I better stop. I just wish you all good things. May your life straighten out and be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): I ,for one, cannot believe all of us wonderful ladies are in this position!!! What is happening? I originally visited this site hoping somebody could give me some advice or insite into the reason my man is doing this. I now sit here in shock and disbelief!! It's an eppidemic!! Should I laugh or cry? What do we all do now? I feel so very sorry for everyone who has,or is going through this. It's pretty hard to ignore the situation. I was told "just don't think about it", When I first started suspecting something and asked why our sex life was non-existant. Now I feel like telling him that as I'm walking out the door to find a real man! I might just stick around awhile,and make his life sheer hell. It really is a spot that we've been shoved into.I'm almost at the point of recking everything in the place that belongs to him, and say so how does it feel to have all you valued destroyed? Well I guess there isn't anything you can do (except throw me in the slammer)(which in most ways would be better than living in this hell). SORRY! I just don't get it.How can it be. Why us? If these men are into this before they meet us,what is the point?They don't want to interact sexually with us. Maybe they look better in society with a wonderfull and respected lady by their side. I call it stealing life. Nobody wants to hear what I think about liars and thieves. How can we get paid back for the years stolen from us? How can they give back all that they've stolen? I want my ten years back,and that statement is no dumber than the one he said to me. Come on men! Get a grip!On reality,not yourselves! I have looked the other way so long and also turned down many opportunities,because I thought when he told me he loved me he meant it. Well,so much for credibility.The tears,and the years. I really don't know how to help you. I sure wish I could. Is our only alternative to leave everything we've worked to build behind? There isn't any discussion my man will enter into on the subject anymore, so I guess I'm finding my answer. If your man could be made to understand the pain(and it is devestating) Maybe a part of him could realise he needs to fix this asap! Please know you are a strong and wonderfull person. Do not under any circumstances, take any part of the blame for this. HE is at fault totally. If he is half the man you thought you had. He better fix it. I am so upset I better stop. I just wish you all good things. May your life straighten out and be happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): i feel for you so much my partner has been looking at porn and it makes me feel worthless dont beleaive him wen he say he has stopped cause my partner said that and hes still doing it and i know how much it hurts im surpose to be marrying this guy soon and i just dont know wot to do the pain it cause is not nice at all DONT TRUST HIM not wen they let u down so many times, i sent a text to my boyfriends phone making out i was another girl and he wanted to meet up with me it just goes to show u cant trust then stay strong tho my thoughts are with you kind reagrds kylie
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (28 March 2007):
 Hi,
I just read your last posting hun. Dont just chuck it all away. The man has an illness.. Ok maybe not that... its addiction and as long as he agrees to get help the two of you can be saved! It all starts off okay, and then it turns to a cant leave without it.. Men are often weak, and this is a very big problem for a lot of relationships... But the fact you said that he felt he had to do it tells me thats hes got so hooked that he needs help to get out... he didnt do this to hurt you, he genuinely had an addiction like drugs or drink, it became a way of life... Please hang in there if hes prepared to get help.. thats always the first and hardest step..... hes allowed you so far to control the things you list and he does want to change, hes allowing you to help... please dont give up and work on this together!!
I hope you two can sort this out, it really i hard.
Take care x x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2007): So sorry to hear what you are going through, some of it is pretty much what has happened to me, thought I was married to the perfect man, I was his first everything. He stopped having sex with me, used every excuse under the sun, tired, in pain etc, this went on for months, then I discovered the truth he was watching porn and masturbating behind my back, we would sometimes watch it together so why he started doing this secretly is still a mystery to me. When I found out and asked him about it all I got from him was "get rid of them" which I did straight away, threw them out with the rubbish, that was the easy part and was a few months ago now. Our sex life since then is dismal, we have done it once, he seems as if he is concentrating on the job too hard, he has never said why he done it, cannot understand why I feel as you do, hurt, betrayed, an idiot for not finding out sooner, he will not go to a counsellor of any kind, says he knows that sex is a problem, but I don't know why, I have never denied him, would be willing to spice things up, but he does not seem interested, but he insists he loves me and does not want to be without me in his life, but he will not sit and talk openly. I do not trust him like I used to do, I do not think he has been unfaithful but like you say what do I know, they have been capable of sneaking around doing things behind our backs they are capable of anything. We have been married for 28 years and haven't got any children so I could easily say let's end it, but I do still love him and would love for us to work it out. I think the reason he did it is because he is having erection problems and trying to hide it from me but he has not said that and it would be easier if that is the reason to just say it, but men being men, so I am left to ponder and it doesn't get easier, the rows break out for the silliest of things, and I know it is all down to this, so where we go and where we end up remains to be seen. I check the computer also and there isn't anything, if he had been looking for women on those sites then I know for me personally it would be over, I cannot and could not live with that, so if I find out anything else that he has been upto apart from watching porn then is is most definitely the end of my marriage. For you, you are in a different position, you have children, and if you truly love him then I would want to work it out with him but he has to be willing as well, I would find it hard to trust him, but like you I would not be complacent ever again, keep your eyes open and be alert. I really hope you can work it out and find happiness again and just remember it isn't anything you did, I have to keep telling myself that, good luck.
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female
reader, brokenheartedNY +, writes (27 March 2007):
brokenheartedNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, i knew there had to be someone who would understand this crazy mess that i myself cant even understand!
A littl emore info is that when i found out, HE FOUND OUT... I was livid and so heartbroken, I still am.
He has said over and over again that he would NEVEr do this to me again, and so on, but he knew he was doing wrong the whole 11+ years and just hid it well, how do i trust him now? He really cant prove this sort of thing to me as i always feel he is up to no good. The computer part is totally off limits now as he knows better as to go there.
I have totall acess to all credit cards, atm cards, and checks, even have the cash in my own personal bank account now. He allowed me to do all of this. I even have the companion thing on his call phone so i can see where he is when hes not here to make sure he is nopt stopping off at the porn store on the way to work, but i feel like i shouldnt have to do all this. I would do this to a criminal i dont trust, not my husband!
Tonight is the make or break part. I am taking him to the porn store to get a printout of the movies and dates they were rented, if there is anything beyong Jan 16th, he will be gone, if he doesnt want to go with me, he will have to leave because i just cant live like this.
He said that he didnt even feel horney BEFORE looking at the porn, he just felt like he needed to do it, and felt a million times better after he finished the job. Like a rush of some sort...I dont think i believe him. I told him how he made me feel, over and over again, and how i am hateful and resentful almost everyday other towards him because he did this to me and my girls, and MY LIFE!
I was totally blindsided...
I think of things like me having a miscaraige last year, he had a myspace account and so on...
He has always been a great guy though, took great care of us all, except for the watching our kids part while i am working, but he always did anything and everything for us, except thinking about us while hurting me and just about breaking our family apart. I just dont get it. He is always where is suposed to be as well, as far as he is either at work, or at home. No friends or hanging out ever, seemed like a great family man. so i dont think he has ever strayed, but what do i know? I feel like i dont even know him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): Hi,Firstly let me say how sorry i am for you to have gone through this i would never have encouraged the porn as it leads onto other things my hubby went on to use prostitutes weekly and cost us a bloody fortune feeding this filthy habit he started with the porn watching when i went to bed i only found out when the sky bill came in he did'nt do it that much but then he could have been looking at it on the computer too your husband has an addiction to porn and needs help to fight this already their is cracks in the relationship due to this and if it is not properly addressed will just fester away at you and him you say he is not making love to you why is that? Is he using masturbation as a release or worse still is he going to seek pleasure elsewhere do not just assume he is doing it watching porn question everything at this point you need to know why he is relying on this so heavily i never understood anyone who wanted to buy porn for their husband partner why invite trouble? You say he masturbates infront of the computer whilst looking after your two young girls i find this very worrying why in god's name with two young girls in the house would you have porn dvd's or why would he feel it is ok to masturbate whilst the girls could be in another room i feel you have to take serious action here get rid of every porn dvd out the house tell him it is the porn or me and the kids if he does'nt like it he can go!! i would not take no for an answer don't tell him you are getting rid of the dvd's just chuck them out tell him you don't want your young girls ever exposed to this material does he not realise he could be in trouble with the law doing this? I feel he has deep physcological problems not you !! you are not the problem he is and he needs to seek help porn is a downfall on men it ruins lives ends marriages and think of the damage done to young unsuspecting kids i would get to Relate and get some couple counselling as they will get to the root of this behaviour he has an addiction make no mistake about that and unless he addressess this it won't go away it will keep on re-surfacing time after time please seek help for you and your girls sake they have a father who is obssessed with sex porn leads to other things men have this fantasy about a certain way a women looks the porn stars are rejects in society please do not envy thenm or think you are fat they have made themselves look a certain way for one thing only MONEY they are no better than the WHORES IN SAUNAS, ESCORT AGENCIES, PRIVATE FLATS, OPERATING UP AND DOWN THE COUNTRY MAINLY FROM A LOCAL NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING THIS FILTH!! SO DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY IT IS HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS. You are probably a beautiful woman who only feels down because the love of your life has been lusting after images of sluts and whores they are meaningless beings ask any man who uses them they are dirt plain as!! you are above that you are far superior to any women who sells herself whether for porn or prostitution both are degrading to women and give us decent woman a bad name i would never stoop as low as that never for no man they ai'nt worth losing your dignity so don't feel FAT why should you feel inadequate through his problem rise above that girl you are ten times better than that Seek help for your husband and if you want to make it work if he promises to give it up then i don't see how you cant get through this you have two kids together have known one another a long time you need to ask yourself do you still want to be with him? do you want to help him seek help for his addiction? and if you get the help do you both still feel you can be together and go on with your lives without the porn? ask yourself all these questions ask him too put everything on the line with him tell him it's this i.e. Me kids or Porn not both tell him you don't do that maybe if he could see that he has a duty to do this for his girls as well as his wife he will stop but he needs to get help please seek a counsellor today i hope this helps will check back to see how things are.Don't feel an idiot for not finding out sooner mines was using prostitutes for 3 and a half years behind my back and i never knew yes you think why did i not know why did i not see the signs but you know what they say love is blind and after being with one another as long as you two have we too have you don't look for things you do become quite complacent and take one another for granted but i would never tell any one to finish a relationship their is life after deceit it won't feel likr that to you just now but seek help for him look at it he has an illness and you are helping him through this and when he gets better take it from there i wish you well and seek HELP TOMORROW.50+
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): Your not worthless, your not an idiot you trusted your husband what great qualities you HAD!!!!!!!!!!!Your husband has betrayed your trust and now he has got a lot of work to do to earn your trust back..........You used to watch porn with him thats okay but it seems to have become an obsession on his behalf an perhaps become an addiction?????Why has he stooped having sex with you?????????????He could have used this time spicing up your love life, so don't you dare feel bad about yourself, you have left your girls to go to work to try and help contribute to the family and he has left them unattended whilst he did what ever??????Your a good lady don't you ever for get that, give him a chance to put things right if you think your relationship stands any chance, this is not going to happen over night it is going to take time my love,You just look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself your beautiful and that you love yourself, I really really wish you all the best and pray things work out for you with or without him in your life,Let me know how you get on and we are here to support you through this very hard and painful time,Love Donna (BEEN THERE DONE IT) sorry forgot to log in xxx X TAKE CARE Xxxxxx
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female
reader, Reebe +, writes (27 March 2007):
 I'm not suprised you feel like your losing your mind, I think anyone in your position would feel the same. Although looking st some porn I think is quite normal but he seems to have been looking at quite alot of it, and as you said he knew you woulnd't be offended by it. Don't think that you've done anything wrong because you haven't. Maybe the reason for his interest in porn is because he feels like something is missing and not with you or your family but maybe his job or his self esteem has plumeted? You say he's done this for a while, does he even know you've found out about this?
You need to talk to your husband about all this, depending on what he says you maybe able to work this out. Try to keep the situation calm, and say you need to understand why because I am sure this is the burning question.
You can work through this, if thats what you choose to do, maybe some marriage guidence may help. This situation isn't going to just go away you need to begin to deal with it and the first step is to start talking.
Good Luck and let me know how it goes.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 March 2007):
 First off, I'm sure your feel like crap, who wouldn't? But here's some comfort, most men do not compare their wives or mothers of their children to the porn sluts they view. His other active pursuits on the Internet are cause for concern, is he looking for real life action? The fact that he denied you sex is another cause for concern. He needs to stay away from the computer and try to get some of your trust back. It's his job to earn it mind you. You've done nothing wrong here and I don't want you to lose a drop of self-esteem over this. You were blind-sided by this so don't beat yourself up because you didn't know about his problem. Give it a some time and see if he cleans his act up, if not you may have a big decision looming in the future. Good luck honey, that damn Internet is a blessing and a curse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): hi, god i know just how you're feelin right now, the same thing happened to me last november, slighty different circs in that we were only a couple for 3 years and started off as an affair, he left his 2nd wife and 18mth old baby for me, i left my marriage bcause of him so 2 families were broken up, and i was convinced we were for ever, i was sick when i discovered the same kind of stuff as you, he ws advertising himself for casua sex online, he said he was just curious, he never apoloised and wouldnt talk to ME for a week !!!! cos obviusly it was my fault, i even apologised to HIM ,i was shocked mostly because our sex life was very adventurous, an i couldnt believe he would dismiss me so easily considring what he sacrifice for me. We did split from that moment although i lowered my ow self respect and regularly went back to him for sex hoping he would coe round. thank god he didnt. my self image was so destroyed i would have dne anything for it not too fail, i felt so ashamed at what he'd done and humiliated its very hard to tell other people cos i thouht they would just think i was crap, anyway it's 5 months on now i have no contact with him, i in a much easier but more casual relationship and my self esteem is ok right now. if he'd wanted to make a go of it i would have tried my hardest to try too, so i do know how you are feeling about yourself but you will fel better soon, i guess its whether its with him or on your own that you need to decide, i would have forgiven at the time , have to say glad i wasnt give the choice now, good luck hun x
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reader, Lady tinks +, writes (27 March 2007):
 Just because he watches porn doesn't mean he don't love you. A a 'guy' thing im afraid. however if it is really causing problems then confront him. Ask him why he feels the need to do it? if not then maybe you should consider walking away. But do try to understand first. good luck sweety x
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