A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am 33 and hapily married, with one child. I love my husband very much; he is a wonderful man. I have started a new job at the beginning of the year where I met this man. He is 39 and also married. His wife works at the same place. A couple of months ago we confessed that we were attracted to each other. In this time he also told me that he has cheated on his wife many times and he doesn't feel guilty about it, provided she doesn't find out. I knew from the beginning this man was bad news, but I am so attracted to him and I think I might be falling in love with him. We sit closely together every day and we are both very frustrated that we aren't able to even touch each other. We have talked openly and honestly about wanting to sleep together, but because of circumstances, will probably never have the opportunity to do so. The only place we see each other is at work. On more than one occasion we have found a private spot and kissed. I always feel very guilty and fearful of getting caught out, so it never goes very far. I know that if opportunity arises, we would most definitely sleep together. My problem is, although I want this man so badly, I'm scared of having my heart broken. I'm scared that if I sleep with him he will lose interest (and maybe respect for me). He said once that he just knows if we have sex, we will want to do it again and again and again. I don't want things to be awkward at work either. On the other hand, I can't seem to stay away from him. Just being around him gives me such a rush! And not seeing him for a day, makes me depressed. I think about him all the time!I'm not sure what I want. He told me once that he is in love with me, but I'm not sure I believe him. Will this feeling go away if we sleep together once and get it out of our system? I feel that this needs to go one way or the other or I will go out of my mind!Is there anybody who has been in such a situation? What is the best thing to do? I can't avoid him at work (not sure I want to). We will be working together for at least one more year.Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): You wrote: "he also told me that he has cheated on his wife many times and he doesn't feel guilty about it, provided she doesn't find out." What makes you think you will not be treated as his wife after the newness has worn off? HE WILL BREAK YOUR HEART. A friend does not want to mess up your life and this guy will, as the other responders have pointed out exceedingly well.Do yourself a favor. Tell this lothario that it's over and start working on your marriage. Your husband and your child need you to be concerned about them and not some heart renderer. You are happily married, you do not need an emotional earthquake to shake the foundations of your current happiness and new job. I hope you are listening.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): I have read your tale of marital infidelity and have a few things i want to point out. It will not be what you want to hear, but i will tell it anyway. You may think i am rude, crude even but just to highlight the severity of your affair, bare with my choice words.
1. Before you open them legs at the work place listen up. F*cking around in the workplace is now a different story with so many HR related policies. You may not respect your hb or yor home, but for goodness sake getting smutty at the workplace should be a no no. You say you sit close to this serial cheater. I am assuming you work in a banking environment or other financial services industry. Where are the cameras situated? Also think of your so called career. Do you want t be known as the work slag, f*cking with a married colleague nogal. Sneaking away and kissing and whatever else is just so cheap. Whatever happened to professional courtesy . you should know that NOTHING is a secret in a work environment. Everyone knows someones shit. Just a matter of time before the work place is abuzz with your affair.
2. His wife. You all work together in the same place. He has had numerous affairs and you seem ok that you will be yet another cheap f*ck for this man. Do you know what this says of you as a person? That you will spead ‘em for just anyone and anything. How do you look at yourself in the mirror. So you like what you see.? His wife surely deserves some sort of respect. After all it is her hb you are messing with.
3. The serial cheater. You will be only another one of his conquests. He has boasted to you that he has cheated before. Both you and he are not fazed by it. In fact makes him more appealing doesn’t it. What about the fact that he doesn’t feel guilty about f*cking other women. Speaks volumes about him doesn’t it. This man doesn’t respect you. He is taking liberties and he knows that you have an itch to be scratched. Open sexual conversations tell him that you are easy. He is just biding his time. You mean nothing to him, just a bit of cheap thrill at the workplace.
4. You hb and marriage - you say “happily married” right? Perhaps you can define this . whoever told you marriage was easy did not know what were talking about. Marriage gets stale, it becomes routine. WE have to continuously work at it and add some spark to it or else it become boring. Reinvest in your man and keep those flames blazing.
5. Quality time with hubby. You say he works shifts. So??? My hb works shifts but we choose to make time. Yes, we go out, have breakfast together, sometimes lunch. And supper. Just the two of us, no kids. We prioritise time together. It is a choice we make. Shift work can actually work in your favour to add variety in the sack. Have you considered a quickie when he gets home in the morning, just before you go to work. A blowjob? If he is working nightshift, work in your lunch hour and get home an hour earlier to spend time with him. If you can look for spare time with the serial cheat you can think of something to do to add the spark with the hubby BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO.
6. ACTIONS & consequences. You are an adult, you can choose to do whatever you want. You want that itch to be scratched but you have lowered yourself to such an extent with this other man that you cannot see right from wrong. Lets fast forward a bit – you do the deed with the married man. The work colleagues find out. Hey his wife has to find out. Why keep her in the dark. This serial cheater makes you just another conquest and moves on to another bored married woman. In the meanwhile your hb gets wind of the fact that you are doing it with someone else. Your family finds out. His family too. As for your 3 years old kid-well she needs to get used to being dragged between mummy and daddy as they go their separate ways. In the end, no marriage, you will be known as the office tramp. Sad thing, you will still have to work with the piece of shit and face his wife. Where do you hide your face?
SO GO ahead and sleep with him. Hey, you are an adult. You can’t afford to pay for a hotel room, so the corner space at work will have to do. A cheap f*ck for a cheap person???? Because if this is what you do, this what it amount to. Cheap and sordid. Do not think that you can have this man and your hb at the same time. Husbands have an uncanny ability to smell someone elses semen in their wives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not think you will cover your tracks. Your stink will come out.
You many think that my words are harsh. Well they are. Time to open your eyes to see the real situation. The sh1t is milling around you, whether you swim or drown in it is up to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): Actually, I want to disagree with the other posters.
If you want to have sex with this player, you should go ahead and do it, and satisfy that craving.
However, you need to understand that consequences will flow from giving in to your desires. Obviously if your husband finds out, it could break up your marriage.
Also, you could catch a disease from the player.
So, if you have sex with this guy, be sure to use a condom and don't let your husband find out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 October 2009):
Spend more time on your own marriage. Looking at your response, I'd say that it can be fixed.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love  +, writes (19 October 2009):
well it looks like u have ur answer. I wud encourage u to not get to thinking that ur gonna have the magic touch to make this player stop playing. a lot of women fall for guys that play this game. my advice? beat him at his own game and stop trying to make out with him. stop wondering about sleeping with him. the grass aint greener on the other side. just forget him. spend lots of time with ur husband. after all he is the man who married you who promised to stick with u thru thick and thin. honor him by sticking with him and not breaking ur vows anymore then u already have by kissing this guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for responding. It's really hard being in this situation because your head tells you one thing and your heart something else. I have told myself many times to stay away from this guy, but whenever we are alone together I lose all resistance. I guess he has perfected the skill of seduction. I guess I was also hoping that it would be special and not like all the other women he slept with. I think deep down all women want to feel special even if the guy she likes is a player.
My husband is a wonderful man, but I must admit, he can be a bit dull in the bedroom. And sometimes he doesn't seem to know what I want, eventhough I have told him many times. Maybe excitement is what I'm looking for and this guy is offering lots of that. Another problem is that my husband works shifts and we don't spend nearly enough time (quality time) together. Some weeks are all work and no play. When we get to bed we're both so exhausted, we just fall asleep. Our child is three years old and she can be quite exhausting also.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow at work, but I will do my best to try and avoid this guy. Thanx again!
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (19 October 2009):
well it looks like u have ur answer. I wud encourage u to not get to thinking that ur gonna have the magic touch to make this player stop playing. a lot of women fall for guys that play this game. my advice? beat him at his own game and stop trying to make out with him. stop wondering about sleeping with him. the grass aint greener on the other side. just forget him. spend lots of time with ur husband. after all he is the man who married you who promised to stick with u thru thick and thin. honor him by sticking with him and not breaking ur vows anymore then u already have by kissing this guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): I think that if you sleep with this man, it will not get him out of your system. Quite the opposite. I think it will make your feelings more intense, and cause you more pain. By sleeping with him, you will most likely end up feeling attached to him, and I think you will end up getting hurt. This guy has cheated on his wife many times and doesn't care. He doesn't care about his wife's feelings, or the women he has slept with. I think the situation between you is just the same as the other occasions he has cheated on his wife.
Maybe he really does have feelings for you, I don't know. But you asked if anybody has had a similar experience, and I have. I was involved with a guy who had cheated lots of times in relationships too. However, I had feelings for him, and I believed he had feelings for me too. I thought that what we had was different, special. It turned out that I was just going to be another conquest for him, so to speak. We didn't sleep together, although I wanted to at the time, and I am so glad that we didn't. I kept my self-respect, and I am relieved about that now.
Is there something missing in your marriage? You say you are happy, but I am wondering if there is something lacking, judging by your strong feelings towards this other man. I would advise you to try and have as little contact with this man as possible, although I understand that will be difficult. When you are with him, perhaps try to focus on your husband and child? Maybe that might help you to stay strong around this guy.
It is completely up to you what you choose to do though, but in answer to your question, my personal opinion is that sleeping with this man will make the situation a whole lot more complicated than it already is. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): caring guy is right. You will destroy everything for a player. You are one of his many conquests and they all felt exactly like you do. He will be gone when the next skirt joins the team. Dont be stupid. I think down deep you know this to be true. Work on your marriage. Change jobs if at all possible. No more snookums in the corner. Have some self respect. Good luck, be smart, sweetie.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 October 2009):
Do not sleep with him. If you sleep with him, you'll destroy your marriage. What if your husband finds out? What if your child finds out? He has slept with other women and is married? He's only after using you. Do not do this, or you will get hurt. He will forget about you and move onto the next one, and you'll lose all you have. And by sleeping with him, you'll make it worse. Instead, focus on your marriage. You say you're happy. If you were happy, you wouldn't be wanting to have an affair. So what is it lacking? Do you feel loved? Does your marriage need excitement? If so, why don't you talk to your husband and spend more time together. Don't ruin your marriage if you're happy. Focus on that. This other guys offers you nothing but pain.
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