A
male
age
41-50,
*regory
writes:I have been in agony over my situation for a while now and it is tearing me up inside. I am currently in my second marriage, after my first marriage ending poorly due to being a victim of domestic violence (yes, men can be victims).Over time, I have realized that my current marriage was for the wrong reasons. It was one of those relationships where nothing was wrong (but not enough was right). It was so much better and more stable than my first marriage that I let things continue and eventually we got married. She is a devoted wife and treats me well, but inside I feel depressed because I put on a happy face and don't really feel that way.I realized I wasn't happy when I met someone else. It wasn't like I was out looking, but I met a woman who truly I was able to open up to and be myself with. We started as friends, but over time we both have realized that we have strong feelings for each other.I'm torn on what to do. I have a son with my current wife, and the woman I met has two sons as well. I worry about the impact on my son if I left, but I also worry about the impact on my emotional stability if I stay. Any constructive, respectful advice would be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 July 2009):
 My word what I have to say is that you have one damn good counsellor as although I thought it I had not expressed it in the way you have now explained it. I went through exactly the same scenario myself with my ex (him having the other person in the wings so to speak.
However, the whole dealing with one thing at a time and trying to do your best to resolve the issues in your marriage is the main focus right now and the fact that you have faced that is absolutely brilliant. You have a focus right now and that is the right way forward. Your son is the important factor in all of this as he is the innocent party and to a degree so is your wife but she is an adult and can fend for herself.
I totally agree that two happy parents are much more important than two very unhappy parents living under the same roof for the sake of a child.
My ex and I decided to split when my daughter was 3 and in the end it took 10 months for my ex to find somewhere to live that was nearby and reasonably priced at the time. She began school at 4 and a half and I think she has turned out to be a very well adjusted child. She is 8 and a half almost and she sees her daddy every other weekend and when he is able to work around his work in school holidays etc.
She has a bedroom at both houses and we are extremely close.
H (like you said), will either wait for you because she loves and cares for you enough to allow you time to put things right with your wife/your relationship and focus for your son or she will be impatient and decide she cannot share you. Time will tell on that point. Everything and special people are worth waiting for. Your moral values have put you way up in my estimation so good for you.
Keep up with your counselling sessions and I am sure your wife will appreciate and understand the efforts you are trying to make.
What I would say is don't pre determine the outcome, go into things with an open mind and who knows what the future may hold, it could be neither your wife or H but someone else so who knows, good luck and definitely keep me posted eh! You can always mail me direct as time goes on.
BFN
Country Woman
A
male
reader, Gregory +, writes (25 July 2009):
Gregory is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so I went to the counselor today to get some clarity on my situation. I can honestly say that I have not had a more productive discussion with any person in a long time. My counselor, a nice lady named Dawn, helped me realize that all along I really did know the answer as to what I needed to do in this situation.
She helped me see that there are two distinct issues going on. (the problems with my marriage and the relationship with the other woman) What I have realized is that I cannot properly deal with the second problem without dealing with the first one, and I cannot face both at the same time.
Also, by looking back at my past, I was shown that a lot of the internal conflict that I have with dealing with this situation is the fear of being like my father. (He abandoned my mother for another woman when I was 13)
So... the next step. I am going to try to have a very open discussion with my wife about the problems that we have in our marriage. It is possible that we won't be able to work this out, or it is also possible that things can be solidified and we can both be happy. I hate saying this, but I am skeptical that this will work out. I will try earnestly though, as I have made a committment and it is the right thing to do.
For now, the other woman (I'll call her 'H' from now on) will stay out of the discussion. My wife doesn't know about her and may not need to know. Things with H will be put on hold until I can sort out my marriage or end it properly. Running around behind her back is neither respectful nor morally right and I know I will hate myself in the long run if I do it.
If H truly respects and cares about me, she will understand why this must be the case.
My son deserves to have happy parents. Whether that is happy together, or happy apart, time will tell. What he doesn't need is an unhappy situation at home where we stayed together just for him.
I will keep you updated on how things progress. Thank you for all of your help.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (24 July 2009):
Hi
I wish you every bit of luck for the future and I am so pleased that you are getting some ME time for yourself before considering your next step with the counselling.
I had no idea you were in the forces, it is a very different world with a lot of different tasks and responsibilities.
Take care and wait to hear how things progress for you. Like you say the clarity may appear for you and that can only be a positive step forward.
Keep smiling and staying strong eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, Gregory +, writes (23 July 2009):
Gregory is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Country Woman for your advice. I am going to follow up my question with counseling. I have made a personal counseling appointment for tomorrow. I'm lucky in that being in the military, I have a lot of resources available to me for support. I hope that tomorrow will bring me some clarity in if not a direction to go, at least where my feelings really lie.I have realized after reading your thoughtful answers that I need some things cleared up for myself.1. What are my true feelings towards my wife?2. Are those feelings affected for or affecting the view I have of the new potential relationship.3. Are these two occurrences related or unrelated and coincidental?I will keep you all posted on how things are progressing.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (23 July 2009):
I think that after reading your comments re the age of your son, I think some counselling is worth a shot if not for anything else but for the fact that you have given it a go for both yourself and for your future relationship with your son when he is older.
If you carry around the pain and hurt that you obviously suffered in your first marriage, you will pass this on to your son and the way in which you perceive relationships.
I also think that after having a baby your relationship dynamics also change dramatically and this is another consideration before you decide to end your marriage. By talking with a counsellor I think it will give you a clearer picture of what is truly important in your life and this may help you through the rest of your life and not just now.
Wish you well.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, Gregory +, writes (23 July 2009):
Gregory is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust for clarification. Wife #1: I was beat up a lot and that ended badly. Wife #2 (current wife): things look happy on the surface, but really she isn't right for me. She is a wonderful person, but I should never have married her. The other woman (person #3): feelings developed over time. my son is 9 months old. I hope this clears things up for those of you that I confused.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (23 July 2009):
I think it is time for honesty don't you.
Have you ever talked to your current wife about the feelings that you have been having? I think she deserves the right to know that you are not happy inside and that due to the problems from your first marriage you felt that you needed comfort and security and whilst you tried to make the love grow inside of you it just hasn't worked out that way.
I think you have to consider the whole impact on your son in all of this as he is an innocent party and he is the one who will feel the impact the most. I think perhaps suggesting some sort of counselling, even if that is individual counselling for you or couple counselling as I think if you jump out of your marriage into another relationship with another woman who you say you have strong feelings for right now, I think this has a potential to turn sour in time. She also has two sons and again it is the children who could get caught in the crossfire.
I think addressing the issues you have retained from your first marriage is paramount right now. I also think that if your current wife can see that you are demonstrating ways in which you are trying to resolve any issues you have or actually working at resolving them in some ways this could in the long run work in your favour. I am not suggesting for one second that you are dishonest in pursuing counselling but if a counsellor can confirm that your second marriage was that of comfort and convenience and stability rather than out of love then you would be a fool to remain in a relationship that will ultimately fail and also your second wife also has the right to find true happiness for herself and for your son.
I am not saying that you cease to exist in your son's life but I think you have to realise that by moving on with this potential new woman you will appreciate the fact that she could potentially meet someone new and your son could end up with a new step-dad in his life. How old is your son and also how old is the new woman's sons?
I think it would be completely wrong to pursue a relationship with this new woman without being completely honest and upfront with your second wife, she deserves that and if you cheated on her behind her back you could end up having a bitter divorce and your son could be the one who suffers. I also feel that your fragility after your first marriage could reappear and that would do no one any good.
I think if this new woman is as much of a soulmate as you seem to indicate then she would truly understand your position and also as a mother herself she would want you to do the right thing by your son before starting a relationship with her.
Think about what I have said and consider your options, I think you need to be honest with yourself first of all and by seeming to try to do the right thing I feel that you could come out of this the better man and I also think that you may resolve some of the residual feelings of pain that could still linger inside from the destructive first marriage that you were in.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): I am confused, are you not happy with your current wife? or is it that you wish to be with your ex? How old is your son?
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