A
male
age
41-50,
*astle501
writes:Hello,In 2004 I found myself coming to the end of a 3 year relationship and started looking online on dating websites. To be 100% honest I liked the idea of having a very beautiful gf and I am only average looking myself but I am kind and successful and thought I would try to search in areas like Thailand to see who I could find, I know this doesn't sound good but as I said I will try to be 100% honest with this post as I think the resulting advice will then be better too.I started chatting with a girl who was 28 and 3 years younger than me. She spoke good English and was degree educated and we seemed to get on very well in the online chat phase.Things progressed to me going on holiday there to meet her and her coming to the UK to stay with me on holidays which I paid everything for. She also asked me to pay for her student debts and help her family a bit which I did. I was never 100% sure she was 'the one' but we both enjoyed ourselves a lot and were happy. I really wanted to spend more time with her to find out if we were totally compatible but any long term visa's fell through, such as a student one for her to do another degree here and the only next choice for us to spend more time together was the fiancé visa, which allows you to spend 6 months together and then you either have to get married or she returns to her own country. I didn't like this option as it seemed so 'closed' but we now felt like we were 'in love' (I think) and we talked about a great future together. When we discussed the visas and I tried to look for other visa options she got very upset and in the end we went for the finance visa. I remember thinking to myself as we are now going down this route you may as well do things properly and announce your engagement to everyone, buy the ring etc etc, so things progressed along nicely and we were married in 2006, I did always have some small reservations in the back of my mind though, but I just couldn't do anything to hurt her and felt like I had shown her a better life and felt to guilty about taking it away, plus she seemed like her and her family were struggling in Thailand and I now felt responsible for them, and I also thought that things would change for the better as time passed.4 years on I now feel quite unhappy with my life and our relationship, there is little sex, and we don't seem to have any fun interesting conversations, she doesn't like some of my friends and prefers to hang out with her Thai friends. She tells me she loves me a lot and really wants to have children (as she is now 34) but I always feel so bad lying and telling her I love her back. I do find her a bit selfish and she definitely puts herself first, and like I say, I am generally unhappy.The main problem is now I just feel so guilty about messing up her life, especially this should have been her years to have children. I want to end the relationship but am so worried what dumping her is going to do. She gets on very well with my family and they are very important to her as her family are so far away. I have tried to give her the best start I possibly can with paying for her to get another degree here, supporting her 100% for the last 5 years, and the same for the family too paying a lot of their bills and medicals whenever needed. We now own a house and she now has a car and just got her first job in her own scientific field which is really good and should be able to send her own money back to her family now.Does anyone have any advice for me, I know I have messed up, please be very blunt and honest with with you think about me and this situation.
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male
reader, KhunJohn  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 My FriendYou sit where I do in life I am married to a Thai Lady and feel alot like you but you have an out where I have 2 little perfect girls who I can not just give up on in our relationship. Last year she went through a lot of life choice mistakes. She started looking for a younger richer guy and thought she has found him online but then found out all his soft romantic lines were all lies(go figure) So we are trying to make it work but mostly the trust has been shattered and I do not feel the smae about here but we have these 2 princesses together who I can not hurt. So if your not happy your not healthy. What does this mean? It means that you have the right to be happy and that means happy. Thai believe in family and they believe in helping their Family dam your family and you in the end. How long do you want live with this around your neck? Till it kills you? Yes give her some time yes give it a chance but if in the end your not happy in a year or what ever time span you give it then move on find if your happy alone and if your not then try to get back together again if its not to late. If you find she thinks about herself and her Thai family and friends first does that show she loves you or herself? Do you speak only 10-20 words a day and yet she will talk on the phone with a Thai friend 2-3 hours? Does she want to cuddle and watch T.V with you. If not then who is trying to make this work you but you alone in this situation? In ending I say you have the right to be happy in your life and if your not then you know what you should do. Your lucky that your not being kept in a relationship because you love your little girls to break their hearts. I care for my wife but alot of love/blood was spilled when she messed up and I am not sure that the scar will ever heal. I hope you find what you had my friend and that it has not been lost.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Man it sounds like you are made in the financial department, and by the way you’ve been supporting her, maybe it’s her turn to support you. So tell her how unhappy you are.
This is your life, if you’re not happy with it, you need to try everything humanly possible to turn this around. And yes, maybe this means dumping her.
I don’t know your relationship, but this doesn’t sound healthy at all - You flash your money whenever she requests it and that once kind gesture becomes an unquestionable common routine.
Dump her - She will feel bad, and make you feel bad back in return, but in all honesty, she really hasn’t much right to control your life after all the caring things you’ve done for her.
Talk about your feelings with her first though and be blunt. (if you are unhappy now, you really don't want kids with her)
Then dump her ass. You’ve done well.
Her last lesson will be the fault of taking things for granted.
(PS. I agree with everything said below)
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 There you are.., first im so sorry about this. I am not thai. but i live in thailand for straight 17 years. I worked at hotel as a manager and meet a lots of guest from diff. country. I know a lots of ( farang )foreign thats how thai. people call foreign people there in thailand. And no wonder i exactly know at least 80% how thai. girl work with farang. With this situation its easy for us here to say leave her. the comment from our aunties here has a point. Their idea is, i would say applicable. if you can still handle and willing to help her with all she ask for then you can still do it. I dont want to judge your thai.wife i love thai. people they are like family to me. but only base on my close farang friendssss experience and also having a lots of thai. girl friends too as i was there for a long years, i think yeah" maybe she used you. I hope im wrong, only you can really feel it. Talk to her, tell her if she love you, you two must help each other not only emotionally, sexually but also financially. She have to share too, you two build a family like you get married and now she wanted a child. that would be nice if you two can really plan for both of you a good future. But this must not be a job for 1 person, it must be you and her. So in the end, you can tell her, if she is serious to this marriage then she must work on it too. And if not, then i think you already give her the stepping stone in UK, she can already start her good life there without you. I am really sorry for this. Actually you are already lucky, there is more worst story than this happen to farang there in thailand. I wish you good luck, somehow no matter what happen stay healthy and fit.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I think it's time you leave her. You made it possible for her to be financially stable and independent and went above and beyond. If you know you don't love her, don't stick around especially since she now wants kids. Let her go so she can get what she wants and allow yourself to experience the love you were looking for. You were pressured into this marriage and you truly owe her nothing. She will be upset but in the long run, she'll realize seperation is better than staying in a marriage with a man who did not love her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): OK, here's the problem as I see it. You allowed the fun stuff to out weight the practical things in the beginning. But it's done and over now so no point in dwelling on that.
You made a vow before your family (and maybe God? not sure if it was a church wedding). The least you can do is sit down with her, let her know how you're feeling, and discuss options to make an attempt at fixing the relationship. This will require dedication, counceling, and effort on both of your parts. If you can't give it 100% (or she can't) then you need to part ways.
She has a job, and you have provided her with a great start. She may not see it that way, but nothing you can do about that. The only obligation you have to her is to make an effort toward making it work. If neither of you can do that, then you have done what is expected of you. Her problems with her family are not your burdens to bare. Being close with your family sucks but all will get over it.
Bottom line, communicate! You never know what she may be feeling or thinking.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 October 2010):
 She sounds as if she has used you for money (asking you to pay her debts and help her family) and an easy pass into the country. I think she has a nerve but that how a lot of mail order relationships start. You shouldnt feel guilty for spoiling her life, If she puts herself first in all things then she has messed up her own life. She insisted on the fiance visa and that put pressure on you and made you rush into things...the end result is that your not happy.
You only get one life, if your not happy and you feel the relationship has died then divorce her. She has a job so she will be fine and she can always return to her family.
I actually know someone who also got involved with a girl from Thailand, thank god they didnt marry. It turned out she was just after money and support for her family. He was heartbroken and felt like he'd been scammed.
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