A
male
age
41-50,
*ad_looloo
writes:My wife and I have been married for 9 months. In recent weeks, she has been going out late with her friends/clients to clubs, or for coffee. Few weeks ago, we had a major fight about her coming back at 7am in the morning and that left her angry with me for not trusting her and also left me angry at her for her lack of responsibility. Our relationship went downhill from there and we did not talk much for the following weeks. Then 2 weeks ago, I found out she has been exchanging sweet text messages with a guy. I hinted and tested her and she lied and told me it was a client, and gave me a bogus name. I felt angry, sad, disappointed and heart-broken and suggested separation, hoping that she will be completely honest about what is happening given the gravity of the matter. It went the other way and she became very angry that I suggested separation so easily. In the end, I told her I knew about the matter and that was when she realized she can't keep from me anymore. She admitted that they are more than platonic friends but it is not to a serious dating stage yet. It was sort of a grey area thing. She said she was sorry for hurting me and said in recent months, she felt neglected and unappreciated by me. The fight we had on her late return home few weeks ago also left her very disappointed in me. I told her I was sorry for neglecting her and being insensitive toward her feelings and said I still want this marriage to work out. I am willing to look past this incident with that guy but I need her to make a 100% clean break with him, not even as friends, for it is very hurting for me to know that guy is still around somewhere. As the trust was badly shaken, I told her I would want to check her mobile phones and want to be informed if he calls or message her from now on. She is reluctant to these demands and said that it has nothing to do with that guy. She said that although she still loves and cares for me, she already lost feelings for me and is not sure whether we can still work out or not. She said if I want to try to work this out, I must accept the new her. On the other hand, I still see her reluctant to break off completely with this guy. She told him she is going through a divorce and that guy says that she doesn't mind her being a divorced and willing to talk things out with her. That makes me feel that she is not doing her best to end her relationship with him. Am I being too demanding? I really love her. Help!
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male
reader, Royofthe Rovers  +, writes (8 April 2007):
 You done have nothing wrong mate. If it only took her 9 months to stray from the path, then i would say get out while you can. It's obvious she can't be trusted in the way you would like to and you can not be happy looking over her shoulder for the remainder of your days. It maybe tough to leave someone you love, but does she deserve you? The feelings you are having at the moment are natural, everyone at some point takes what they have for granted, thats life. Your not weak either, you're human and that is nothing to be ashamed about. You love her otherwise you wouldn't be feeling these things, if she loved you in any kind of way she would changed her ways or at least been truthful to you from the start. Shit happens to the best of us.
A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (3 April 2007):
 Both Wendyg & Eddie are right. She is not playing the game by the rules. This is her problem and not yours. You must be one incredibly patient guy to stand for this! She's taken you right to the edge of your relationship and still wants you to accept it! I say no way! You guys need a break... she obviously does not know what she wants and I'm sure you don't want a wife who's planning on cheating, if she has not done so already. Pack her bags and tell her to go and stay at her friends until she decides if she wants to be in the marriage or not! She needs to accept the responsibility and commitment she made when she married you. These were not your expectations when you got married, were they? Marriage is like building a house and expectations are the foundations of a good marriage, both of yours. You have to sit back and think really hard if you'll accept her back, really hard! If you still love her and think she will live up to your expectations and she decides that she loves and RESPECTS you and her expectations are the same then maybe you can start building the walls of the relationship but get the foundations right first. Remember happiness is your reality divided by your expectations. Don't settle for second best, tell her like it is. If you need more help from us just ask. Be strong and take care.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (3 April 2007):
 You dont need me to tell you that the news isnt good hun.
She's cheated before and shes cheating now.
As for her so called friends saying your treating her like a prionser and not trusting her and so on... can they blame you!!! Shes cheated.. promised to never do it again and just when you started to build up the trust... WHAM she does something to make you think she is cheating! What does she want? Why lie to you if its innocent.... Why stay out till 7am... is that not giving off bad vibes to someone she's supposed to love and want to prove they have changed to ?
She brought this on herself, by cheating in the first place, no wonder you felt you had to check up on her.... I think it did probably go to far, but you were so worried that she as gonna cheat, you got carried away checking all the time.. and this in the end made you the bad guy! I can see from both sides. Shes like he wont let me be me anymore,and rebelled a bit feeling she was the injured party, and you were like what if shes cheating!! You both need to sit and talk this through properly... You have some how managed to push her away(not your fault) by demanding you know what she do etc, but she started this demise by cheating... so as a consequence she wanted space but you were afraid to give it to her in case she cheated and low and behold what you didnt want to happend did and thats the fact she saw another man, and now shes blames you! What a mess hun...
If she is sincere in that shes not cheating then why has she got such issues that make her have to see this other guy!!? Why cant she come to you ? Your way too soft and shs using the fact that you have issues with trust against her... against you!!! This isnt healthy, she hasnt changed from when she cheated previously.
Trust and respect need to be earnt, and its clear shes just shoving it back at you.
You need to both work out what you want, youve become obssesed with needing to know where she is and she feels shes being checked up on all the time, Its not easy as both of you have a point, but why did she lie and tell you this guy was a client, why cover up something that is innocent ? Shes making things ten times worse... You both have to talk this through... she has to for now knock this guy on the head.. you have to be a little more trusting(yes i know its hard given the facts) and work from the bear basics. If shes not prepared to even try and work round this then the future isnt looking very rosie! Perhaps a counsellor or some sort of conselling together may help you to address these issued togheter as it seems you both working in different direction.
Take care and I hope this works out for you.
x x
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A
male
reader, sad_looloo +, writes (3 April 2007):
sad_looloo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys, thanks for the valuable advice. Actually, I felt the same way as you guys feel. However, there is a certain fear in me that I have related the situation in my favor. It is human to do so, i guess. When I told my wife I ask someone online (before I came to this site), or spoke to friends, she asked me how did I relate it. Did I omit things to make myself seems like the victim? etc...
My wife said she has spoken to her good friends and they said that the way I am behaving is like having ZERO trust in her. That i am not giving her privacy. She says that she is not a small kid anymore and i cannot treat her like a prisoner. I must admit, I am really paranoid now... not that I want to. Every time I am with her, and her mobile phone rings, or a message comes in, I can't help wonder if it is HIM. I really hope she can understand I am going crazy... mentally i am breaking down. I really hope she can showed me her phone when I ask her to.
She said, back then she would do so. Some history: Some years back before our marriage, I caught her cheating behind my back and then, she wanted me to stay soooo badly that she did whatever I subjected her to: Checking her phone, her mails, and i even personally check through the "let's not contact anymore" mail that she sent to that 3rd party... It was a draining few months... I kept her on a tight lease, so to speak. but soon, I started to trust her again and the hurt slowly goes away. Then I stopped checking her anymore. Anyway, right now, she said that she is not sure whether she can go through the same draining process or not. Back then she was so desperate to keep me that she did whatever i dish out to her. Now that some feeling for me is lost, she says she may not be able to go through that cycle again.
I really miss her old self and I know, I am partly to blame for her becoming like this now. After marriage, we were so busy with work as we are saving money for our house. I neglected her sometimes and I guess sometimes human just take things for granted. Also, I am not good with praises so I seldom compliment her that she look pretty etc when she put on new dress/clothes to impress me. But to be fair, after work, I always tried my best to go meet her... sigh, i really don't know what went wrong.
I know, the last resort is separation. but, I really really think it is such a pity and I can't bear to. We have been together for 7 years. A large part of my life revolves around her and our dog. Right now as i type away, i wonder what is she doing at her own place. Is she missing me? or is she getting on fine without me?... I guess i am just weak when comes to these sort of matter. I am so confused now :(
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 April 2007):
 It sounds like your wife is in some sort of denial stage. She's playing a dangerous game at the cost of your marriage. You have every right to demand that she dump this friend. You see, the problem is this, he's not a friend. He's a potential lover. The genie is out of the bottle and she needs to be honest with herself. She is attracted to him, whether she acts on it in the future or not. So you can be sure that even if you get back together, she'll be attracted to him still.
Having the attraction is not bad in itself. It will happen to you to. But, encouraging it, nourishing it and pretending it's OK to chum around in that manner is disrespectful to you and, to be blunt, STUPID. Friends have a beer, go fishing, play tennis etc. They don't send romantic text messages etc.
You're right, she's wrong.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (3 April 2007):
Hey, Your not being too demanding, your the one thats prepared to look past it and accept it happend and move on.. and shes still carrying it on!!
If she wants this marriage to work she has to end all ties with him now!!! Not in the 2 weeks, 2 months etc.. NOW! She is married to you... YOU!!! Not him!
Shes calling the shots here... Are you prepared to sit back and see if its you she eventually does choose ? You say shes already said shes not sure if you two can work out as shes lost feelings!! How in the hell is she gonna work those things out with you, if shes still seeing him!!
She is not being fair, no wonder your realtionship is disapearring in front of you, shes too busy having her cake and eating it, and then extending her feelings elsewhere, rather than in her marriage! And to say you must accept the new her if this is going to work ? Shes hardly sorry is she that shes done/still doing this!?
The fact you are so newly married and shes staying out all night and blaming you when you rightly question her about it, should set the alarms ringing... Shes blaming you hun for her wrong doing and because you love her, your allowing her to do it!
So what does "not serious dating" mean with her and this guy ? If it were just a grey area then she wouldnt have a problem telling him that shes going to concentrate on her marriage, I suspsect more has gone on than she is admitting.
Hun shes cheating, plainly and simply (even if sex hasnt occured) and shes not even sorry that shes diverting her affections elsewhere, How are you supposed to work on the areas shes says are failing when shes not prepared to work on them herself!? ITs all very easy for her to say I felt neglected, i felt unloved and so on, thats an excuse so she gets the greencard to go ahead and have her cake!
If you guys stand a chance, you have to let her know that you cannot sit back and watch her with this other guy. She has to cut all ties and that means now! And you two need time alone, together to work through whats going on. You need to do this with no outside intervention from her "not serious dating guy" (that makes me cross) and has to be you and her putting in the effort. If your putting in the effort and shes not putting anythign back that its not going to work, she will be quick to again then blame you! As its easier to admit that than her being the problem!
If she isnt prepared to give up this guy, you have to force her hand into seperation, as its not fair on you, sitting back trying to make it work and shes isnt! This is going to be a long hard road, especially if shes not prepared to make the effort, you have to make a stand now before it gets deeper with her and the grey area guy, she has to stop seeing him for both your sakes!
Take care I hope things works out. x x
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