A
female
age
41-50,
*iboha
writes:hi agony aunt, I've been married for 7 years and yet to conceive. I use to have a very high sexual libido but not any more. I now dread my husband's touch and talk of love making ,its affecting my marriage. what do i do?
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 October 2014):
The comprehensive advice you have been given by Abella is very good here and I agree fully with it. I was struck by something else in your post though: your feelings about sex with your husband, and I was wondering why you now dread making love quite so much. My guess would be that you are so desperate to conceive that sex has simply become a process now to get a baby, which hasn’t worked. Whilst you should most definitely seek medical advice in order that the cause of your not conceiving can be further investigated (and there are, as Abella points out, many potential causes), you also need to talk candidly to your husband about how sex is making you feel. I think you need to find a way to remember that sex isn’t simply a mechanical process to make a baby, but should be a celebration and expression of your love as a couple. You have probably both got locked in to a pattern of having sex with the aim of having a baby, and the tenderness, romance and desire for each other has been completely squeezed out. Perhaps if you are honest with each other and can make a plan to find out why you may be having difficulty conceiving, you’ll at least feel that you’re taking positive steps in the right direction. Perhaps then you’ll take the stress, pressure and expectation off a bit when you have sex, and will also be able to make it something you simply enjoy because you’ve learned to emotionally open up to each other about this very painful situation. This isn’t something you can change without bringing him on board so have an honest conversation with him.
I wish you all the very best.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 Being the true curmudgeon that I have been accused of, I'd say you join the club of the millions upon millions of other women that have given up on sex. No Problem
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 Visit your Doctor and ask your doctor to refer you to a specialist who can tell how likely you are to conceive.
Have you considered that your husband may have a low sperm count? A man can be the most manly looking man in the world and the best lover in the world and still have a low sperm count. Your husband may be very offended about this suggestion so speak to your Doctor first and tread carefully. The Doctor may know how to raise the subject tactfully with your husband.
When you visit the doctor ask the doctor to show you how to calculate when is your ovulation date. That was you can calculate the best time to have intercourse to coincide with your ovulation date each month. You are more likely to get pregnant if you confine making love to the six days prior to ovulation or even better to the three days before ovulation.
But abstaining from having sex is not going to help much.
In fact having sex regularly PLUS on each of the days from six to three days prior to the date of ovulation will help.
Keep in mind that sperm are only viable for 24 hours after ejaculation, in most instances.
So DO keep on enjoying having sex when you feel like - additional to those crucial 6 to 3 days before the day you ovulate when you should have sex and when you are more likely to get pregnant.
If you delay having sex until the days after ovulation you have a lower chance of getting pregnant.
So Timing is what counts, when it comes to the actual days that are more likely to result in a pregnancy.
Do you or your partner smoke cigarettes or other substances smoked? Doing this can reduce fertility so try to cut back or stop altogether while you are trying to get pregnant.
The most important issue is to relax more and avoid being too tense. Being too stressed can affect fertility.
Another issue is weight. If you are over weight or underweight this can affect fertility. If the latter then try to lose 10 per cent of your body weight. If underweight try to increase your calorie intake a little.
If you and your partner currently drink a lot of alcohol or a lot of coffee then cut back on that as too much can affect fertility.
Try to avoid exposure to harsh chemicals like cleaning fluids or pesticides and these can affect fertility.
Do eat lots of fresh leafy vegetables and salads and fruit.
Ask the doctor if you can be prescribed some folate (Folic acid) as this helps to give a woman's body better support when trying to get pregnant. Google folate and folic acid plus pregnancy to discover more about why this is important.
My Doctor also made me take additional calcium and additional iron when I was first trying to get pregnant even though I thought my diet was adequate. He did this as the thought I was not eating enough meat in my diet and because he found out that I hated drinking milk. Though not drinking milk did not stop me from breast feeding three times for many months in each instance.
Also if you can, to relax you more before going to bed, try soaking in a scented bath as it is truly relaxing and could make you feel good.
Best luck with the future.
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