A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:me and my wife have been married for 4 yrs and we seem to still have a commucation problem. we can talk and if i say somthing she dont like she gets mad. I try to be understanding but i tell her what i think in a well tone mannor. but when it comes to her side of the family it dont matter im just being a jerk or she just simply takes what i say out of contex. how do i get around this. all i want is for our marriage and our bond to be unbreakable.... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Some people "fight dirty" in my view and then their relationships suffer. Perhaps your wife has developed a way of communicating that is not the same as yours. and perhaps you hate conflict in the first place. I know I do dislike conflict and would prefer to walk away until I calm down. If you have a more confrontational partner it can be very difficult. The compromise is for you to become more comfortable with assertive communication. And perhaps for her to use a more supportive equitable fairer way of resolving differences.And neither party should ever adopt a "Win at all costs" with every argument. There is nothing wrong with telling your partner, "I can see that I was wrong".Think back to why you were attracted to her in the first place. She must have had some good qualities? Focus first on those as you may have forgotten these good qualities while you have been suffering in the 'eye of the storm". What did you expect to get out of the marriage?Just talking to your partner does not mean you are communicating. Active listening is very important. people are more disposed to you when they know you really heard what they were trying to say. Sometimes that does not even require words - just a "look" will suffice if the communication is good enough. Talking over and over about the same unresolved subject may even make things worse.I even like to poke fun a little, in moderation, when someone is getting 'Terse' with me. He will say, "I am not Terse". But he knows he has gone too far, if i suggest he is being terse.When you are really listening to a person it is OK to stop and paraphrase what you think you heard. And ask for more information, if required. So instead of getting angry, try paraphrasing what you were told, such as, "So your Mom ran into a herd of elephants and you needed to give her the rent money to pay for the damage?" Did I hear that correctly?Allow them to go on.And you can ask a little more:"So the reason your Mom was distracted was because the bevy of beauties exiting the Casino distracted you? How did you get to the Casino when your car battery was flat?"Paraphrasing can clarify the real issues. Try not to get angry and don't get patronising. You are not judging , just seeking more information.Take the time to really listen and then paraphase or seek clarification before you proceed.Watch the body language when you are communicating. If the arms are folded, the eyes narrowed and a mean tone creeps into the discussion then there is a problem, even if the words do not seem all that bad. Someone is not being honest when this happens. It is poor communicating.If he can't look you in the face when he is telling you something be afraid. If he swears black and blue very 'over the top' and Totally loudly indignant then he may be trying to hide something. When people get angry they do not hear. They only Feel their Feelings. And when that happens they can lose focus and then their feelings can get out of control. So stop to take stock. It is ok to delay answering for a moment if you feel the emotions rise up within you If things get too angry it is OK to call 'time out' before things get meaner.Don't lie to your partner, be honest to them, but do use tactful language. if you are hurt then tell them.if they are unreasonable then make a time to meet each other where you can discuss it calmly together, without interuptions.Don't bring in value laded words to add color to what you say. It only destroys communication. And if you are hurt then tell them assertively. So instead of replying that, "it doesn't matter," when you know it does matter, then it might be better to use an assertive statement, such as, "John when you try to add all this colorful detail I start to worry because in the past whenever you have done that it has turned out to be a lie. The truth has come out eventually, and when you lie to me it makes me feel betrayed, and so in future i would prefer the truth rather than the embellished lies".If all of the above does not work then I suggest that you get some couples counselling. To bring in a third party to help coach you back to the happy couple you were when you first became a couple
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