A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I, too, have the common (and perhaps the oldest) question: Why doesn't my wife like sex?I have been married for 19 years. I've been very successful, we've traveled, and we even purchased our dream house and live a comfortable life.19 years ago, our dating was passionate, yet we "waited" to have sex until we were married. From the day we were married, she had no interest in it. It's not that she has lost interest in sex, she never had it in the first place, at least in our relationship.It sounds crazy but here it is: She usually refuses it, she rarely asks for it (once every 2 years), we've often gone months without it - sometimes 3-6 months (not uncommon), she wont talk about it in any way (although she has said she never had an orgasm and regarding sex: she could take it or leave it as it does nothing for her).She often gets upset and pulls back when I attempt to initiate any kind of cuddling, kissing, foreplay, or anything beyond sitting in separate ends of the couch. Any type of touching, etc. is an immediate show stopper.When we do have sex, its quite evident that she doesn't enjoy it and I feel like she is tolerating me. She has never even tried to fake enjoying it. She has said she does it because "its her wifely duty". I have no idea where she got that idea.I love her, she says she loves me and I believe it.We have several kids together. Neither of us ever married prior. She is a great person and a great mom, but our love life has always sucked.I've read all the books, I feel like I've tried everything to get her interested in me. I've encouraged her to go to counseling with me (yes, I've gone).I've never had a relationship like this before. I was usually the one saying "didn't we just do that yesterday?" as my girl friends couldn't wait to get more. And yet, I married the one who seems to 'hate' it (although my impression is that she was a wild one in high school).Obviously, after 19 years, I'm very confused. Hence this post.Anyone have any insight to this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): I would have gotten plain old angry with her a long time ago.
What she did when you were dating was misrepresent herself. Its dishonest. Its no better than if you had pretended to be a millionaire while you dated her and then you revealed you were broke after the wedding.
I can totally understand why she did it. But I can also totally understand why a man would fool a woman about his wealth. Understandable does not mean excusable IMHO.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,And thanks so much for responding. It is a confising situation, and always has been. What was she like prior to me? Trusted sources tell me she was a wild one. On our first date, she was all over me. I honestly questioned if I would ever date her again cause she came on to me so strong and quick, I was uncomfortable.Seriously, that night, she pushed me to the floor and went after me in ways I hadn't' seen prior. All signs indicated this would be a fun one. So I cant say there was no sex drive - it was there, but we stopped each time at the moment "it" would have happened. We wanted to save it for after the wedding.Little did I know, immediately after that ring was on, it stopped dead in its tracks. And not like, well, after the honey moon it faded out. It was a dead out immediately.No, I didn't expect a piece of paper to do anything more, but I sure didn't expect the paper to shut it off, completely.I seem to relate to the anonymous respondent. She just doesn't like it, and all the stuff before marriage was just the show to go out with guys.Perhaps I can empathize a bit more with her. I also, like most men, cannot relate to this part of her. It has given me many endless lonely nights, although she's just a few inches away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): I`m 46 and I`m like your wife and I don`t understand why. I`ve been this way my entire life. I never married because of this issue but I ache to be married for the love, friendship and companionship but I just cannot do sex, unless its when I want it which might be every 2-3 years, if then. I would treat my husband like a king but the sex situation would destroy the marriage so I`m sad and loney. I wish I loved sex or atleast liked it. I`m pissed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2013):
 I am with R1... did you think that piece of paper was going to start a sex drive that never was there in the first place?
Sadly sex is a "wifely duty" and the whole "close your eyes and think of England" is about women submitting to their husbands to build the empire and to their "wifely duty"
If she had never had an orgasm at all ever, I assume she never tried or figured out how to get there... it can be hard for women... I know that sex with my husband will never sexually satisfy me but it does emotionally.
If she does not care about sex there is not much you can do. I would ask her to have a complete medical and hormonal work up with her gyn to determine if there is medical reason for her lack of desire. If there is maybe you can fix it... if there is not, well then you have to determine what you want to do.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Yes well, I’d be inclined to sit in separate ends of the couch after having several kids myself :) Her thinking may well be; when you initiate touching, this obviously means you want sex to eventuate rather than simply cuddling and not feel under pressure.Yet I see her pattern for desiring sex is once every 2 years which makes me think, are your several children roughly 2 years a part in age? In my opinion; her kind of sex thinking is about procreation; hence it’s her “wifely duty” in the meantime!? Where she got this idea could have formulated in her upbringing or elsewhere if no contraception is/was permitted or used?Now as it is her thinking to be dutiful to her husband. I suggest you make a loving request of her wifely duty to be more respectful for your needs and feelings. Lead by ruling out any health issues and impress upon her wifely duty again that counselling is paramount. (Lest you go wondering for affection elsewhere...)Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 sex is different for females as we don't crave it as often as men do. Personally, I had a pituitary tumor that messed with my hormones. This hormone imbalance caused me to lose interest in sex. You've mentioned that you've gone to see a counselor, but has she gone to see a medical professional? Maybe talk to her about seeing an endocrinologist to do blood work??? Also, personal appearances play a role in a woman wanting sex. I'm not sure what kind of shape you're in, but consider joining a gym and have her tag along. Is it possible that she's self conscious about her body? Either way, the gym is a good idea to try because it's been proven that 30 minutes of exercise a day will boost sexual activity! Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 If you didnt have a sex life before you got married why the hell did you think it would kick in when you got married?!? If she just isn't a sexual person no amount of counselling is going to change that. What was her sex life like before she met you? You have been married all this time it is a bit late to start expecting her to change. You knew what you had when you married her - you can't change people.
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