A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 17 years and have two children. Our marriage has become boring and dull. I will suggest we go out to see a movie or a car ride or anything and the answer is always no. I feel that either she has met someone else or has just given up on this relationship. I am wondering if we should try to fix this or just to end this relationship altogether. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019):
Quote from previous aunt
‘If you use porn, or flirt online...BINGO! She has found your stash, or she has gone through the search history in your devices! If you wonder why she picks fights for no apparent reason? That's a popular cause these days! They don't like competing with porn!!! Nor your flirting with younger-women, or looking at your teenage-daughter's friends! When asked to do something fun or exciting...she won't budge! You're being punished! It's a time-out!!!
Totally agree this could well be the cause . SHOULD wives have to compete with other women and most of all your teenage daughters friends . Frankly that’s filthy and any man looking at his teenage daughters friends should seek help . This is actually solid grounds for a wife sharing her body with random strangers online . No difference ... and I’m yet to meet one man who would be happy with this .
I can’t imagine why any woman would want to be married to a man who looks at that . Seriously ? Isn’t it time society held men to higher standards . How about just being decent human beings?
This may not be the case for you OP , you may not have been doing any of this but IF it is you really have no right to complain about anythinb and should be thankful she is even there
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2019): Sometimes people become complacent and lazy as they get older. They also get stubborn, and it takes more urging and prodding to get them to do something different. Anything, that veers away from their usual routines; and/or the reliably-predictable! It's common for empty-nesters. She can finally kick-off her shoes, and do nothing! She doesn't have to put-on makeup, fix her hair, or worry about her appearance! Just chill! It's never fun going-out, if she's vain or fastidious about her appearance. It means hours of preparation! Spontaneity is a shock and a horror to people like that!
Too much contentment and complacency is unhealthy. You get stiff, gain unwanted-weight, your health problems increase; and your energy-levels will certainly plummet! You'll age even faster!
If she has expended all of her energies on taking care of the family, her job, your home, and she's always the "go-to" person when things go wrong. She just needs time to recharge and be left-alone!!! It's "me-time," with you and the kids out of her hair!
She may need a physical-examination to check her energy-levels, be tested for anemia; or you may not be aware of the side-effects of medications that sometimes lower your energy. Don't overlook menopause, because hormones or hormone-deficiencies cause changes in health and behavior as women age. Men don't have heat-flashes or chills at the change-of-life stage; so we can easily ignore the underlying-reasons, and presume the worst. They do not like discussing their lady-problems, or aging!!!
If you don't ask questions, you draw your own conclusions; which often miss the mark.
If all you do while on these excursions is girl-watch; don't expect her to want be your sidekick and wingman!
Women also have a way of expecting men to read their minds; by skirting issues, beating around the bush, and addressing the true problem in a weird and convoluted-manner. Throwing random-hints, and going sideways! Arguing for argument's sake; but offering no reasoning for their malcontentment. Never direct or logical, just emotional! So pouting, sulking in-protest, and passive-aggressiveness; is how they cope, and convey their dissatisfaction with you...and life in-general! For anyone, that would be as annoying and frustrating as living with a mime!
Men hide things, we internalize, avoid discussing relationship/emotional-issues; and put-up walls that nobody is allowed to penetrate. Emotions are for sissies; so she has to show emotions for the both of you. That's exhausting! She has to apologize for others; while saving the family-face and social-standing in the community. She will shut-down, tune-out, and make sure the life-insurance policy premiums never lapse.
Life starts after death...YOURS! Then it's popping champagne and tropical cruises with her friends!
If you're in recovery from being a miserable cheating-scoundrel, it takes its toll. Even if you've been forgiven. Maybe she's just a nice-nasty mean-person (narcissist) who gets her kicks from seeing your smile turn upside-down. Sticking a pin in your balloon! Some people seem really really nice; but out of nowhere comes this alter-ego, or split-personality! Their evil-twin! It may be years before it comes out!
If you use porn, or flirt online...BINGO! She has found your stash, or she has gone through the search history in your devices! If you wonder why she picks fights for no apparent reason? That's a popular cause these days! They don't like competing with porn!!! Nor your flirting with younger-women, or looking at your teenage-daughter's friends! When asked to do something fun or exciting...she won't budge! You're being punished! It's a time-out!!!
It all depends on how easily you give-up after asking. If you always take her "no's" for an answer; with no attempt to entice or convince her to go. The predictable answer is going to be "no!" If you've spent the last 17 years forgetting birthdays and special occasions; while leaving all the housekeeping, and childrearing, on her. Basically, living in your own soundproof-bubble! You won't get much cooperation; or an enthusiastic-response out of your mate. Just...meh!
Sometimes people with high-energy and extroverted-personalities pick a total-opposite for a mate. That person learns to adapt, and will often follow wherever you might lead them. Then they get older, stubborn, and cynical. That's when they won't budge, pull-away, and refuse to talk about why they've become so cranky and obstinate? Then you have people who just get old and miserable; and they're just happy being a stick in the mud! It's like dragging a dead-horse in a horse-race! You might suggest that she be evaluated for depression!
I think this woman has a bone to pick with you; that you've been avoiding or dodging for years. She gave-up on the marriage, has tolerated it, and she finds her source of contentment with your children, and the grandchildren (if any). Perhaps she's waiting to see who dies first. A person deprived of affection, encouragement, attention, good-sex, and understanding turns bitter and resentful. They become lifeless.
Have a talk with her. Ask her why she never wants to do anything? Ask her specifically what her bucket-list is? If you could grant her wishes, what would they be? If she's still cranky, obstinate, lazy, and closed-off; just try to be nice to her anyway. She put-up with 17 years of you, gave you children, and something must be working to keep you together this long. I think once you talk and actually listen without interruption, or taking personal-offense; you might learn a few things about your wife you never knew, or be reminded of some things about her that you've forgotten.
It's easy to find fault, criticize, and just throw-up your hands. It might be tougher to shut-up and listen, and actually care. Even harder, try to change!
If you tried everything you ever could to show her love, and make her feel important to you; and she never seemed to care, regardless. Why did you stick-around for 17 years? May as well finish it out! A divorce might be a feasible means of escape; because most people rather just give-up trying. Convenience, immediate-gratification, and expedient results are what it seems everybody wants these days. If all the effort is wasted on her; maybe she's ready to do just that. Give-up, and call it quits!
This isn't faulting you for her behavior; but sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. Looking back in retrospect, or in introspect, there may be clues or signs you've been overlooking for years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): Let me guess ? There just happens to be some hot little younger woman you’ve noticed at work or somewhere else that prompted you to write this question .
It seems men rarely start complaining about their Ives until they notice another woman and want to justify an affair
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 December 2019):
 You need to talk to her, ASK her if SHE wants to salvage what you got or not. you have made it for 17 years, doesn't that count for something?
If she does, find a marriage counselor/couples counselor and WORK on your marriage.
If she doesn't then seek a divorce. So you both can start over.
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