A
female
age
41-50,
*eprmnt
writes:I'm new and ran across the site while looking for relationship help. Here is my issue:I've been married for 10 years. My husband and I have a good relationship, but the problem is that we're both very busy. We have 4 kids which I care for while he works long hours. We still find time to have sex at least 4 or so times a week, but he told me this morning that he "doesn't feel my heart is in it" and that it seems like I just do it to get it over with. Which is true, although I won't admit it to him because I know it would hurt his feelings. I'm tired at the end of the day and the last thing on my mind is sex, but I do it anyway because I know he enjoys it. I do my best to show him that I love him in other ways but apparently he needs more. What can I do to make him feel wanted? How can I help myself to want sex more? I've thought a lot about this and I've come up with two main reasons why I think I'm not interested. One is that since having our kids, I've put on quite a bit of extra weight. I don't feel attractive, in fact I feel fat and fumpy...and even though he tells me that I'm attractive, I don't "feel" it... and also, I feel like he should be doing more with us as a family. He's good to the kids but he spends a lot of his extra time with his best friend (who he also works with). My husband is only 28 (I'm 27) and I know he's still young and I know he needs time to himself, but I can't help but feel jealous that he's not using that time for me and the kids, since we get so little. Not to intentionally sound cliche, but sometimes I feel like the nanny, cook, maid, teacher and prostitute all rolled into one. I'd like to feel loved and appreciated too! But I never really say anything to him because I don't want to seem selfish and I also don't like arguing with him and I'm certain this conversation would end in an argument. I'm not sure what I'm asking for, but I know I need some advice to get over this rough spot so that we can completely enjoy each other again, and also I'd like to learn to be more open with how I feel, but I need to know how to do it in a productive, non-threatening way.Thanks in advance =)
View related questions:
best friend, his ex, jealous, prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Hi,
This sounds very familiar... I think you are experiencing what a lot of young women do with young children at home. I use think that it was up to me to do everything and never complain. Complaining never helps the situation anyway. But I did notice that my husband always spoke up and described, without complaining, Everything that he did, whether it was at work, at home "Look, I did the laundry!" or with the kids "I just spend an hour with Bobby on his math homework!". SO - Why not do the same - in a non-whining way. Praise yourself infront of your husband and let him know exactly how much you do all day long, he shouldn't take it forgranted when his socks magically appear washed and folded back in his drawer - "Don't you love seeing the wookwork shine in the sunlight! It took an hour to polish the dining room!". It will accomplish three things, you won't resent him, he'll know how busy you have been and how tired you are, and he may pitch in more. Be really verbal without complaining.
You are very lucky to have a man who loves you and tells you that you are attractive, even if you feel differently. He sounds fairly sensitive, be thankful for that! Women usually express their love in words, men feel they demonstrate it in actions, by making love. Most partners like to give their spouses orgasms and he may be missing seeing you take pleasure in his lovemaking. If he is seeing that you are merely complying, change it up a little. Surprise him instead.
Make sure that you do have an orgasm at least half the time, tired or not, you deserve pleasure out of having sex too. Enjoying your own sex life will keep you connected to your husband. Then, for the other times, feel free to surprise him with a quicky in the bathroom or a blow-job when he's not expecting it. He will be pleasantly surprised by the change in you. Buy some of those new warming gels for a nice massage, heck, get him to give you one! I love candlelight in the bedroom. It's romantic, flattering and sets a mood. It's also not as revealing as having the lights on (if you are not happy with you weight, but your husband doesn't see your weight as an issue!). I heard a great idea from friend. She had a pair of decorative statues on the fireplace mantle, you know the kind - a girl in pink, a boy in blue - and if one partner was in the mood, they would lay the statue down on the mantle. That way, you could walk by the living room see if your spouse was in the mood or not! (and it's kind of a fun, a shared naughty clue!). Even if you are married, being turned down can be a touchy issue, so it's kind of nice way to get around the potential of hurt, rebuffed feelings.
You didn't mention what your husband does with his friends from work or how many hours a week he has been spending on his own leisure time. Obviously both of you deserve leisure time by yourselves and time together with your family. You need to compile a BIG list of responsible sitters. THEN, give it to him. Sit down with your husband and explain that he is welcome to spend Saturday golfing if he books the sitter. That way, you get to spend Saturday out with a girlfriend. He should be planning his outings with you or clearing them before he commits to them. Your family committments are joint, he shouldn't just expect that you are there without question. My husband had outings with colleagues too. One office he was at had a mixed softball team, so I made sure that I joined that. Another office that my husband worked in went out regularly for drinks together after work, and so did I and the children! (they were older and it was a restaurant/sports bar). As it turned out, some of the guys at the office also wound up having affairs due to this practice, so I'm VERY glad that I coincidentally stopped by after his son's dentist appointment/daughter eye exam that just happened was in the neighbourhood. Your work is at home and his is in the office (from 8 until 5 or whatever his office hours are) but you both deserve down time, so he needs to be available after that, unless he has a sitter.
I know it gets hard to fit in everything and family takes up a lot of your time. Before you know it, the kids will be ready to leave home. Don't forget, your original committment was to each other, so don't let it get pushed into the background. Use that sitters list. Don't set yourself up for a fall by saying "We need a date night once a week." - but Everyone can manage one night out together a month. You can even have dates inside the house too, just get enough DVD's and food to keep the kids together in one room (and put a chair against the door - just kidding) and order a nice restaurant take-out gourmet meal to share in the dining room. Make him feel like he is adored and appreciated, men love to hear it. Heck, ask him to tell you too!
It might be an effort changing out of what is routine, at first. Before long, I'll bet that you both start appreciating each other and having fun again. Hope this helped, Good Luck with everything!
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Well there is a lot of things going on here, you are trying to be all things to everyone and it is just not possible, 4 kids is a lot to manage with house and hubby.
Something had to give and like a lot of other couples it is usually the sex. sex takes it out of us, yes it is enjoyable but requires time and effort if both parties are to enjoy it and you need privacy and you need to be relaxed, something with 4 kids that is almost impossible to achieve.
He thinks sex is the most important thing and is your way of showing him that he is at the top of your priorities and that you are his woman and you love him, you on the other hand know he needs it but you feel guilty for the time taken having sex and think of your need to sleep or for the chores you could be doing.
There is no easy answer to this but I would say that quality sex is what is needed more than quantity and maybe you could set aside a night a week just for making love, in the true sense of the word, with all the foreplay and taking it slow, enjoying each others bodies etc. less can be more!!
Now the weight thing is a seperate issue and one that you need to get over, he does love you fat or thin and it is just you that does not love you. I am overweight and for years that has made me want to just get sex over as i could not possibly understand why a man would want to linger over my fat body and then I realised that sex is not just for him it is for me too and if he dont like my body then he needs to go find himself one he does like. I think we all have low body image and for a woman we are always hung up on this, it does not seem to matter so much to most blokes.
If you can why dont you get the kids minded and book into a hotel for a weekend or even just a night, dont drink too much but plan it, long bath, massage each other etc and find one another again.
10 years is a long time so try and have better sex just not as oftern.
...............................
|
