A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:As most women do I have always dreamt of a nice engagement and wedding once I found the man of my dreams. I never cared about the price of the ring or how elaborate the wedding would be I just expected to have something special and memorable. Now, my partner of 3 years doesn't want a formal engagement, he doesn't want engagement or wedding rings, he doesn't even want a wedding. He won't even say vows, and for somebody very religious I thought he would atleast want to make a promise in front of god of our love. He just wants to go to the courthouse and sign papers. I don't mean to sound selfish but him and I have discussed this numerous times and he argues that if I loved him it wouldn't matter to me but I don't know what to tell my family? They're going to ask when were getting engaged and to see the ring and when the wedding will be...and idk what to say. And is he right about not wanting rings or a wedding? I am sort of depressed that he won't even say vows...I imagined things differently. Am I the problem? Answers are appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): Dear Girl, please be wise! I agree completely with the other answers that a relationship is two people and that he is not showing you with this reaction 100 % Love and Respect. You are a beautiful individual and you have a right to dream and also to tell your Man about your wishes. Why is he not sitting together with you to figure out a nice solution? Why is he not trying to keep you away from maybe even tears? Every loving Man would try to figure out the best for the both of you. A Marriage is a life long commitment and it is important that it is blessed by God. You should really ask him what this marriage means to him and why he wants to have a marriage with you!? Pray to God that he might show you if this is even the best moment for your marriage and be wise in all you steps. GOD BLESS YOU (Bekky from Germany)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): You've got one shot at having a wedding. Who wants to look back at their wedding day with regret, like "oh, I wish my family had been there", etc. Sounds like your fiance is being selfish or extremely frugal. Talk to your parents... they should have some advice. At the very least your fiance should do rings and vows.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): The point of a marriage ceremony is that you are making a commitment to each other in the presence of witnesses. It doesn't have to be big, expensive, formal or religious. It *does* have to be heartfelt and serious. And the presence of the people you care about -- your parents, siblings, friends -- makes it serious. If you don't believe in God, fine, but taking vows before your loved ones is important and binding.
From what you've said, you and your intended are not on the same page at all. No, the problem isn't with you. The problem is that you two are not on the same wavelength. You need to find out just exactly what he means by going to the courthouse. Is it really the same thing that *you* mean when you think marriage?? Get that sorted out before you do anything more. Can you really commit your life to someone who won't stand before your family and make a vow?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 August 2009):
 So why?
It is often said that weddings are for the women and men just try to endure it to the wedding night. But really, that is a load of bull. Men can't say they also take some enjoyment from the whole thing. Since I am a man I can't say it (they would take my club card away) but at an absolue minimum, most guys would know that it means something for the woman, makes her happy and why deny her that?
The costs? Well all things cost. Rings don't HAVE to be super expensive. you can skip the diamon and get plain gold rings and you can even go second-hand (the jewellery trade loves to ignore the facts that diamonds really do last forever and people don't).
So unless he is an amazingly cheap bastard, I don't think it is money. Anyway, wouldn't your family pay part of the costs? And vows cost nothing, you could exchange vows at the judge (not sure how it goes in the US, but in holland a civil wedding is done in front of a special civil servant in a agnostic wedding "chapel". You can hold full weddings there, no problem, it is build for it.
So, basically he seems to want a wedding but no actuall wedding. Why? And yes, you might be the problem, in that you seem to think that YOU are the problem in wanting a perfectly normal thing and not asking yourself properly why he is unwillig to any part of it.
If he is really religious, why is he unwilling to make an oath before his god?
You probably know the answer, but you really really love him and can't see the flaws. Put of those rose-colored glasses for a second and take a good hard look at this guy you are about to marry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel like he is just wanting to save money, but at the same time I think you don't have to spend a lot of money to make something so significant memorable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): Some one sided relationship. A relationship is two people at least and needs and wants should be even. At the very least he is showing he is not seeing you as an equal and doesn't value your needs. Danger ahead.
Have you explored his religious convictions and is he feeling guilty in that dept and this is not allowing him to pursue a religious ceremony?
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