A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for 8 years now and we have a beautiful little girl. I've loved him almost since we met, but since the birth of our daughter my feelings for him have completely changed. I don't know if its the change of having a child to cope with, I did have post natal depression which has cleared up and my daughter is a demanding baby. But although I'm in no doubt that I love him dearly and I dont want to hurt him, I dont think I'm in love with him any more. I go to bed later than him now to avoid having sex, because when we do it feels like I'm having sex with my brother! For years the sex was frankly boring and I rarely ever came, but I stayed with him out of love and over the years he has made changes and sex became better with him. We still talk and go places together, and we've always been best friends, its just that I dont have physical feelings for him any more and its getting me down, because I dont want my daughter to grow up being passed between us and I'm not sure whether I can cope on my own. But it feels like I am only with him for the security.I've tried to broach the subject with him but its hard and I can only hint, and he seems to think that we've never been stronger and he is happier than ever. He has said in the past that he could never be friends with an ex partner, so if we do break up I know I will lose him completely. He is supportive and we rarely argue, in short he is my best friend and I hate the idea that he will hate me for doing what I want to do, but for months I have been trying to fall back in love with him and I just cant.Please help, I find myself constantly fantasising about meeting someone new and starting again, but it is going to hurt him so badly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): thank you so much for replying, I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one experiencing this. I had thought that it was still the effects of post natal depression, but what you have said is making me wonder whether this is a case of knowing him too closely and not enough intimately. I think that, reading these replies, I am going to wait before doing anything I may regret. I have decided to give things another shot, try harder to rekindle the romance to see if it can be saved. I spoke to him last night, not telling him entirely everything that I have written here because I feel that if I do he will resent me and this will make it harder to work through, he really doesnt need to know that I have been fantasising about an affair. I have told him that I feel that we are moving into the realms of brother and sister, that we are more like friends. To be honest he was upset because he says he hadnt been having these feelings himself and that he didnt know I had been, even after hinting at it several times over the past few months. At least now he knows, we can make a go of it, so we have decided to take a couple of weeks off work and get the relatives to babysit as much as possible, and spend a little time together.
I do still appreciate any advice anyone may have, and thank you all so much for helping me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): I cant believe i have found somone with the same problem as me only it was after the birth of my second daughter we were together 15yrs and he was my first love,i know what you mean i felt as though i loved him as a brother i wasnt in love with him so after thinking ,talking i ended the realtionship ,we stayed very close friends he helped me when i became seriously ill and after a year apart we got back together ,i really thought i had made the right decision only now 3yrs on im feeling the same feelings comin back, i dont want to put my family through all that again so im a mess i dont think i will ever not love him i just wish i was still "in love" with him,so all i can say is be sure of whatever choice you make or you could end im like me 31 and in a state of confusion!! Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): Thank you both for your answers, I thought that there are a couple of points I should clear up though. You're right, I was young when I met my husband and I agree I was too young to settle down. But the fact is that I knew he was right at the time and I didnt want to experiment. We both come from abusive families and over the years we have brought each other through a lot. I think what I am asking though is whether there are any people out there who have experienced the same thing; marriage, then baby, then marriage problems. If so how did you work through it, did you work through it at all? Once you fall out of love with someone, is it possible to fall back in love with them if you put in the effort, or will I always feel like this toward him.
Thank you for your input, any advice is appreciated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): Sounds like your sex life needs spicing up. You're still very young, sounds like you needed to experiment more before settling down.
I'm not sure what to tell you. Having a child makes things incredibly difficult, because it becomes an obligation; you have a good enough conscience not to leave, not just for your daughter, but also, you do not wish to hurt your husband (especially since he's such a good person). I imagine you've been putting on a front, or rather, only said what you both want to hear (just guessing, since you said he's never been happier, and that's clearly not the case for you).
This generally is how affairs begin; not questioning your character, you're not going to do it intentionally, it just happens; you've already been fantasizing about it. Again, you already know the answer, you just need to make a choice between your husband and daughter (family) and yourself. If you put their needs first, you'll stay; its likely you'll continue to feel the way you feel now. If you do what YOU want to do, you'll leave; your choice simply hinges on what makes you happier. Staying with him ultimately means either remaining unhappy or, well, often times, cheating. It's a difficult decision for you; on one hand, secure but bored, on the other hand, you might be vilified for putting your needs first (and it has to weigh heavily on your conscience.) Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Marriedtwokids +, writes (27 October 2008):
This sort of post depresses the hell out of me, as a man, because good family men get ripped apart in these scenarios more than the many selfish idiots you hear about on this site exactly because they are good family men and invest a huge part of themselves into their family, as society constantly tells them to.
Truth is, I think you are not looking for advice, but are looking for permission to break up with your husband. No one here can give you that permission, only you can decide to do it or not.
Its probably no help to point out that if your husband is as you describe, then many wives and partners would be saying you are in fact very lucky. He sounds a decent husband and father, and I am afraid you are going to break his heart.
This may just be a temporary phase - women often have reduced libido's after birth - or it may not. My advice: give it a last really good genuine effort, marriage counselling, the works. If you can recapture the feelings then great. If not, then you can at least say you have done your best, and in the process given your husband a lead into the fact you are not happy. But this does mean taking the bull by the horns and talking to him about it.
Irregardless, if you do split you will break his heart and nothing you can do will change that. He will loose his wife, home and day to day contact with his daughter.
The key for you is, if you do split, to try to do it with as much respect and kindness as possible (and not by having an affair) though he may not thank you for it in the short term.
He will, however, almost certainly recover eventually and, if he is as nice as you say, find someone new, though please don't use the "set you free to find someone else" line as this is not really why you are setting him free. You will be linked for ever through your daughter and whilst you may never be "best friends" after the break with luck, civility, and a bit of give and take you can still be able to be good co-operative parents.
Either you are unhappy enough to go through with this, or you can try to ride it out and see if it gets better. Only you can tell.
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