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age
41-50,
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writes: I am a guy who married someone who was a virgin and disliked oral (the thought of it), tried it reluctantly, but never really got used to it. Although I will freely and gladly go down on my wife, she does not reciprocate. My wife told me to have patience with her about oral sex (at first she said she liked it, but now I think she said this to make nice) and I believed it hook-line-and-sinker, I gave her space, didn't bring it up often, and married her for love and with high sexual hopes. Got married, she's a great wife, a great mother, but is a lousy lover. The sex slowed to a crawl, is limited to missionary and intercourse only, she rarely kisses me with any passion, does not fondle me or let me fondle her, she does not give bj's, does not give hand jobs, and bores me with the same routine. Then she told me her jaw locks, she blamed her strict upbringing, then she complained about the taste, then said she does not like it, now she gets combative whenever I bring up the topic. I stopped initiating sex because there's only so much rejection I can take. When I initiated, she would slap my hand away, if I tried to touch her breasts or other body parts she'd push my hand away. It's bad enough the sex stinks, I'm not begging for boring sex. She now initiates sex when she wants it (and complains that I am not passionate, heartless, unemotional, ironic, actually). I've tried to bring up my concerns and needs for sex, and suddenly I'm the selfish one, who only shows emotion, passion, and gets touchy-feely only when I want sex (geez, either way I'm screwed... if I am not passionate I get scolded, if I am passionate it's because of selfish sexual intentions). I've asked my wife to be slutty in bed, her response, "I'm your wife, not a prostitute... go pay for one if you want a slut." I was considering cheating, she caught a draft of an ad I was considering placing online but never published it (did not have the heart to go through with it) and she felt betrayed, ironic, isn't it? She said to hire a prostitute, but when there was a moment that I was considering it, she had to eat her words. Now she blames her lack of passion for sex on my near-betrayal. The passion for sex that is beyond a boring routine was never there in the first place. She rarely has demonstrated "slutty" passion. I love my wife and 90 percent of the relationship is great, but the sex stinks. Since the non-sexual relationship is excellent, I put up with crappy sex. I suppose that "any sex is better than no sex". I've tried being nice, I've tried dialogue, anger, and giving her space. Not even the threat of straying has worked to improve the situation!I don't have a question, really. I needed a place to vent and this was the place to do it. Although, I am curious what others have to say about the matter. I welcome the comments. Please be honest, but civil.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 January 2010):
This is exactly why I HATE the idea of waiting for marriage to have sex.
You now have kids involved when you should not have married this woman in the first place if you really are sexually incompatible for life.
I think counselling is a good idea at this point as things have got really quite bad. You need a place where you can calmly talk about your feelings and really LISTEN to hers.
Since she was daft enough to keep her virginity for marriage she has no idea about men and the fact sex can be fun. It's been made into this big dirty thing for her that should be saved in a locked box, and only given to a husband in exchange for a house and children.
I think you need to start dating her like you are both teenagers. Abandon the idea of sex for now and start at day 1. Hold her hand, cuddle her, tell her she's pretty. Let her get to trust you so that after a night out at the cinema, getting your hand in her bra is a big enough step that you will be happy for a few days.
Go through the stages, stroke her and stick to heavy petting for a while. Let her learn what feels good and gets her all turned on before you even get your hand into her pants.
Then just be a 14 year old, fingering, hand jobs, and yes, try oral again, but don't pressure her for anything back. She'll want to please you when she's having a great time herself.
As for sex, it will come with time. But you just have to work up to it again and remember she's still a virgin mentally.
Good Luck!! xx
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (8 January 2010):
 Honest, but civil. hmmm,
OK, I've been there. I'm about ten years older than you. And the details differ. I like to call the trouble I had unequal sex drives. You seem to have some other issues as well. It was a difficult time. Eventually I had to tell my wife that I was sexually starving, and that as a result of her ignoring my state I felt unloved. That helped quite a bit. Then about 3 years later when her boss went through a divorce, she had a complete change of heart. As she said She didn't want to risk losing me over not giving me something I wanted, that she was capable of giving. Barriers came down quite suddenly. I'm not saying we don't have limits, there are still things she says no to, I think it helps her maintain her dignity and self control. There is always acting and fantasy to make up for those. The most important part is that she never ignores me when I say That I am interested. I feel much more desired and loved. As a side benefit she is getting better sex because now she will talk about her needs.
I'm glad that you are sticking with her and that you put off the opportunity to cheat. Statistics show that you are more likely to find happiness by staying in your marriage than through a divorce. If you were looking for advice I could recommend a few books. It never hurts to get some fresh ideas on an old problem. That is why marriage counselors exist.
Good luck
FA
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (8 January 2010):
 this is why sex before marriage really does make sense. I never understood the 'waiting' thing because sex really is a big part of a marraige.
It seems like she still feels 'dirty' or 'guilty' for having sex even though she's married. I would advise this: the next time you get passionate with her and she acuses you of being selfish for sex just make it known that it is what you want but you wouldn't want that with anyone but her, that she's the one person in your life that you want to share that with. Make her feel like a princess before you make your move. She has her head on wrong, it seems like she views sex as a constant 'naughty' thing as in what a parent would tell their child.
You will need to talk to her though. Tell her that you'd like to make your love life more fun and that the only person you'd ever want to make love to is her. Stop going down on her if she doesn't give and take fairly. Unless you like to do that lol, whatever turns her on and gets her in the mood :P lol.
But, good luck in the future and I hope that things turn around soon. Don't cheat. End it if you are even thinking about doing that. At least have a heart to heart with her first about being more fun in bed before you make any rash decisions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): Men need sex to feel loved. Women need love to feel like sex. Are you treating her properly. Helping at home. Taking her out. Complimenting her. If she really doesnt like oral sex and you have been pestering for it, she may have withdrawn because of that. People can go off you if you keep requesting something of them they arent willing to give. It might be best to forget about oral sex for a while. And placing an ad for a sexual partner wont help. Well done for not carrying that through. Just a shame your wife found out! That will just give her further excuses for not wanting you. It sounds as if she has either lost her sex drive or for some reason she doesnt find you sexually attractive. The best thing is to sit down with her when its quiet and try to talk to her about how you feel. Ask if she would consider going to counselling with you.
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