A
male
age
51-59,
*ustaguy71
writes:Well, my world came tumbling down to earth about 5 weeks ago. I have been married for 8 years, known each other for another 7 or so years earlier, have two boys 8 and 11 with her. We had one break up before we had kids, she met someone at her work after we had kind of fallen away and then I went away and made some money online, bought a house and managed to get her back, then we had a child and 3 years later another one.I managed to make a lot of money in the early web boom days around year 2000 or so, bought a big mansion and nice car and got her all the horse stuff she needed. Anyways, fast forward all these years and I have been unemployed for 3 years, just lost in the paradigm of trying to make money online and not being able to get a replacement job. Can't explain how the time has gone so fast it is almost un natural. We managed to sell our house 2 months ago as she wanted to have land for herhorses. 'And then BANG, it hit. She has a part time job and one day she just came back and said she is going to live with her mother and her kids and wanted a separation (due to me not getting a job and there being no love ). Of course I was slack not saying I loved her in the past, as was she. However, my heart has been breaking and aching the last 4 weeks it's not funny. I do love her and want to support her, but its like a countdown doomsday timer, its really horrible.Its not just her, its our family, our two kids, our 11 yo is so emotional and moody its not funny.We bought a piece of land before we sold the current house and when this house settles in 4 weeks the land gets paid off.My wife went to see a lawyer and she's asked for the proceeds of the sale to be frozen until we both agree on what to do with it (this happened a few weeks ago).I just haven't been able to find work, it's a nasty cycle and hard to get out of, you think you don't deserve a job and you wonder why anyone would even employ you, but anyhow.....So I have given her the odd cuddle here and there and have been a little one sided, but when I spoke to her the other day, I asked her if she is still my wife (I know its a weird question, legally she is) anyway, she said yes and I asked her why she doesnt wear her ring, the answer was because it catches on things and I know this is true, but I said I would like to get another one and we kissed and that was that.The other day we were outside the primary school (poor kids have to leave it in 4 weeks and 11 yo is on his second last year) and I kind of just started talking to her about how Ive always been there for her in other ways at the birth of both of our sons etc. I asked her if there is still hope and she said "of course" I think she said that, or "yes" Im not sure now. But now it seems so strained when we see each other as we have 4 weeks to go until she leaves. I am living at my mothers and I think she believes she s punishing me or its not that bad for me, but I feel horrible knowing that we are seperated and the kids will no have me there in 4 weeks (I am a hands on dad and go to all their sports days, play lego with them, tuck them in and everything and without them feels horrible even just at mums)So am writing a book here nowI have been living at my parents house most nights of he previous couple of weeks....The question is....I don't know what to do, whether or not to ask her to give me a yes or no before she leaves to her mothers if we will be getting back together, or do I just suffer internal madness and wait it out and hope she misses me? I have house plans for the block and said we could afford to build a nice house there, but she doesn't give an answer. Is it right that I just let her take the kids, I mean its just her mothers, they are staying in a caravan near her house, thats even worse, we could afford to rent a house but anyway....Worse still is all the moving and packing left o go!!!any helpful advice would be nice, thanks ;-)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, justaguy71 +, writes (16 October 2012):
justaguy71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks ladies, I appreciate your advice ooo Justin
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 Don't let your marriage slip away. It's not wonderful being separated or divorced and that goes for both sexes. Try to get yourself a job no matter how menial you consider it to be in comparison to what you used to do. It's still better than no job at all. Your wife isn't going to last long in a caravan and she will soon find how awkward it is being on her own with two young sons. The grass isn't greener out there beleive me. Remain friends with her, remain civil to each other. So my advice would be to sort yourself out jobwise and moneywise as much as you can and then approach her when you've got something 'concrete' to offer no matter how small that offering may be, because at least it's a start.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 October 2012):
 You ask if its right if she takes the kids, you havent worked for three years, how were you planning to support them if she doesnt take them?
Who's been responsible for supporting them and you and your wife for the past three years while you havent been working, have you been trying to be employed, there are programs available to help the long term unemployed back into the work force, did you access any of those?
What have you been doing for the past three years?
"Being there" for your family involves a lot more than being present for the birth of children and then playing lego with them.
It doesn't sound like the marriage has entered it's death throws yet, firstly you need to work out what the straw was that broke the camel's back, which decided your wife to leave.
She also needs to see you making an effort, counselling is always a good start, if you have no money contact the social worker at Centrelink who may be able to refer you somewhere. Go by yourself if your wife wont go with you.
What ever has brought your marriage to this point has taken at least three years to get there, you cannot undo the damage of years in a few days, it is going to take time and a concerted effort on your part, so the sooner you start being proactive the quicker a resolution will happen.
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