A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently married a woman that i have been in love with from the moment i first saw her 8 years ago. there was a period of 5 years where she was with someone who really abuse her mentally physically emontionally and sexually and they have a son. when we met she believed that she was over those thing, however since our marriage we have fought constantly over her constant need for money. i am the main provider for her and her 3 children, she does not work. i pay all the bills and provide the funds for grocery and laundry, i recently left the U.S.to return to her in our native country to help her with a family crisis, this is no small feat as the rate of money exchange is significantly different in our country than in U.S. AS I STATED WE FIGHT ALOT OVER MONEY ISSUES, because she believes that on top of all that i do on a fairly decent salary in our country after only four months on the job i should also provide her with money for her to pamper herself, and buy a washer so she can stop going to the laundry. we had a huge fight over the fact that i took out a loan so that i could send money to my kids in the U.S instead of buying her a washer, and when a family member of significant importance to me took ill she became furious when i stated that i wanted to help finacially in caring for this person, she felt that if i have money to do that i should have money to give her for shopping as well.anyway after 9 months of marriage, i had enough of being verbally abused and field for a legal seperation, now she wants me to provide her with alimony as well as all the household items we have aquired since our marriage. i realize that this is only a brief summary but I would really like to hear form women on the two main point of argument that i stated. 1. am i wrong for not taking the loan to buy the washer and instead sending funds for my kids just before school started? 2. am i wrong for wanting to help my family member who is ill and will not get better.3. am I, as my wife puts it putting other people before her.4. was i wrong for seeking relief from the courts after talking, screaming, pleading, writing, and seeking the aide of her family did not stop her behavior. i could really use some honest answers here, i lover her but not at the expense of my happiness,peace of mind, or my children
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Sounds like both of you have a lot of baggage with you. She has kids already, you have kids already. If she feels you have not prioritized her needs, maybe you have not. I do not think you are wrong in any of what you listed. But for the remaining part, if she was nagging on you for money before these incidents, then you know that there is something else than what you listed going on.I can offer no other advice than the old and steady: talk to her. Find a solution. Compromise. She sounds like she might be scared of being dependent on your and your income. She also sounds scared to to anything about her own situation and fears, and wants someone to blame. (btw you said she has a son with her ex, but then that she has 3 children? who do the other 2 belong to?)Having money means to many: being safe. Even if YOU have the money, if YOU control it, and she doesn't trust you, then she in this logic is not safe. It might not be about pampering as much as it is about her having something of her own, and having independence. She might not want to spend money shopping for shoes, it can be she is simply desiring the freedom to do with money as she pleases. I mean YOU do with your money as YOU please. You decide who it should go to. But you are married now, so the economics must be handled by BOTH. If not you leave her without freedom of action (economically) and without the need she has for security.
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