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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I don't know what to do. I feel everyday, almost obsessively, that I want to leave my husband, after 25 years of marriage. But I have serious doubts to really do that.He is not fulfilling me emotionally at all. But I almost blame myself for feeling like this. I actually feel ,that I have no right to feel that way,or to leave him.He is a solid guy, never seems to cheat on me, or do any very ''bad'' thing. But he is so strange ,and emotionally distant.In-fact,I always think he has deep secrets and regrets, what he never shared with me. And slowly eating him away. But I have nothing I can do ,as no reason to try talking about it anymore. And I truly don't understand him..He did some wrong to the family , because he devoted himself to his work, somewhat hide himself into 14 hours workdays, 7 days a week and not being too involved with the kids was causing lots of damage. So that is an extra sadness on me ,that our grown ups in big trouble with life.But i'm far from blaming all of this on him!I think it is just part of it really.But that devotion of his work somehow ,strangely made me feel ,he is hiding form me.Yet he says he wants to spend this life with me. How can you refuse that? Now, couple of years ago he developed an ''unexplained''erectile dysfunction what made the situation between us even more distant,. We were getting help from counseling , but it did not change him a bit.So today, no intimacy, he never looks at me with desire, no happiness from kids because they screwing up .. drugs etc.And here I'm in this really crazy situation, that I want out... I don't have anybody, I don't wish for anybody, but I just can't seem to make that step.I had counseling several year of therapy for this situation, and self help. The therapist told me to leave several time. I did everything I could, yet I can't stop feeling the pain. I" don;'t know what to do... He is not a monster, but I don't think he loves me very much,and than what is the reason? Stability? Our home? Fear?Please help me with some input, I would really appreciate it!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I think force him for marriage counseling. If he is not going ,I don't think you should invest any more time..Take care!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Thanks very much,for the answers!
I wonder, how can I make that first step, I can't seem to make?
Should I move out ,and just tell him, or should I stay ?
I can't see I'm ready, but if I'm , what is the best way to do this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I say, you should leave! You said, you don;t feel loved, than what is the point? Why would you have to convince yourself about something ,what wont work?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I'm not sure what to say, I think when sex is damaged, it will not work too long.
Sex is an organ of marriage, like the heart of the marriage. It started with sex, it will finish without sex.
I'm not saying, It is only sex, but it is mayor issue....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): It s well said, country woman!. I would say a few more thing..Did you ever thought about what could be the secret in his head?I hope its not sexual orientation, or even worst... Maybe he is having an affair. You said you are pretty sure,but nobody can be really sure ,you know... I know ,because I lied to my wife,what I regret, but I was listening for 15 years, that she was guessing something, and she was right! Be, careful, and take care!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (22 October 2009):
 In all honesty no one can walk in your shoes so to speak when it comes to your relationship as no one knows your relationship as well as you.
I look at different couples I know and have been close to and every single one of them has a certain life behind closed doors.
Your husband seems to have been a workaholic but perhaps due to his erectile dysfunction years ago perhaps he threw himself into his work rather than face up to what was going on with him on a sexual level. Also by doing that he didn't have to address the problems with your children or feel like he was getting any of the blame. In other words the way they have turned out can't be down to him as he wasn't there when they needed him growing up.
They probably needed him more but he sounds very much like my ex in as much as he has NEVER been able to go deep enough inside of himself to put right the issues that have been wrong for so long.
He is not a monster OK, but at the end of the day if you don't communicate or have any sort of loving relationship what sort of life is that to lead.
We get one chance in life and we are here for only a relatively sort time, your children will lead the lives they want to live and if they are on a self destruct mode you cannot always change that.
If they could see mum being a little more independent and standing on her own two feet they may actually find a new respect for you that you are actually putting a plan into action, it isn't about finding someone new but rather about finding the inner you that seems to have been lost in the monotomy of just living in a marriage and family that hasn't exactly been happy for many years. We get stuck in a rut and we often prefer to keep the blinkers on rather than facing up to the cold hard truth that things need to change.
You now need to decide what YOU want out of the rest of your life and there is no shame in saying that you would like to lead a happy and loving life with just yourself and if there was a man who came into your life and gave you a new wonderful sense of worth then why not.
You are not 90 you are still in the prime of your life so firstly decide what you would like to see for your future and then decide on how you are going to achieve that goal.
Yes it may mean radical changes in your home life and maybe losing certain comforts that you have become accustomed to but at the end of the day you cannot be the little hamster on the silly little wheel who can never seem to get off because at the end of the day it will be you who runs herself into the ground and for what? Live your life and be happy - we all deserve a bit of that.
I know that after losing my dad in 2007 there was nothing worse for me, well I think the thought of possibly losing a child would be even worse than that but thank god I have a gorgeous 8 year old daughter who is my life and even after going bankrupt last year, losing my old business with my ex and having my house repossessed in February this year I have bounced back and I am looking at the future with renewed vigour.
My mum went through bowel cancer surgery on Christmas Eve 2008 and so I have a lot to be grateful for that she is still with us this year and life is certainly worth living.
You need to find your fire in your belly and decide what YOU WANT for a change. You seem as though you have been putting everyone else's needs first for far too long and now you need to be a little selfish and put your own needs first for a change.
Keep us posted on what you decide eh, if you have been through all the counselling which is something I would have suggested if you hadn't tried it before, then you already know the answers like you say as they told you to stop and leave and live your life so now the ball is truly in your court, depends on if you feel brave enough to give it a good throw into the future eh?
BFN
Country Woman
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