A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't think i can ever love a guy. I have hooked up so many times that i dont even enjoy romance or a simple kiss. Kissing doesnt turn me on like it used to, b/c im not doing it with guys i even like....I feel lost, confused and impatient because i havent found the one so i just sleep with guys instead. I have become desensitized to sexual experiences and I don't know what to do. I dont know how to change b/c when an opportunity arises (to have sex), I dont know how to say no either b/c i feel bad for the guy or b/c I am feeling insecure (that no guy genuinely likes me and that all i have is my body so why not just do it) or hey I'm not finding love so might as well find momentary happiness in hooking up now. But after i hook up i feel like complete crap, i didnt really enjoy it, i sold myself, i have no self respect. I am not sure I can ever love again or if anyone will ever like me. I play the friend role and I get super jealous if guys like my friends but not me. I go through this jealousy, frustration with real relationships and trying to get one so i just always go back to stupid hookups. I am not sure how to change myself. I feel like i am complete crap, like no one loves me or cares about me enough to have me around. I dont have the patience to wait either.How do i start liking sex again? how do i love myself? how do i refuse men who want to hookup with me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): There is hope.But, it takes work, and a lot of it, and in the end you will need an understanding partner.Just one reference, there are others.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933My wife is evidence that it works, first step is to stop the random partners, any drug use, any type of habit forming drug (including marijuana) and get to a point where you can feel your feelings/emotions and begin to deal with them, not suppressing them. Then, the hard work begins on understanding why you do what you do. You are not alone, I've heard all this below, from my wife, who took over 15 years to tell me what was wrong. Don't wait that long, I loved her like no tomorrow and was sitting on a couch thinking I would have to leave before she cracked and told me all the crap that went down before she met me, all the faking and covering up she'd done since we met, and what she'd never told anyone. She thought if she told me, or if I found out somehow, I'd leave her.So, if you want this to change, start reading, get professional help that you can trust and tell them everything.She could have written these statements."I don't think i can ever love a guy.""I have hooked up so many times that i dont even enjoy romance or a simple kiss.""Kissing doesnt turn me on like it used to, b/c im not doing it with guys i even like....I feel lost, confused and impatient because i havent found the one so i just sleep with guys instead.""I have become desensitized to sexual experiences and I don't know what to do.""I dont know how to change b/c when an opportunity arises (to have sex), I dont know how to say no either b/c i feel bad for the guy""I am feeling insecure (that no guy genuinely likes me and that all i have is my body so why not just do it)""But after i hook up i feel like complete crap, i didnt really enjoy it, i sold myself, i have no self respect.""I am not sure I can ever love again or if anyone will ever like me." "I am not sure how to change myself.""I feel like i am complete crap, like no one loves me or cares about me enough to have me around.""How do i start liking sex again? how do i love myself? how do i refuse men who want to hookup with me?"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u guys, yes im going cold turkey on the guys....i need a major break from any sort of relationship so i can love myself again. Im changing today!
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 April 2011):
You stressed your sex life too much, and it won't be easy take the damage back. This is why sex shouldn't be taken lightly.Usually you go out with someone and start knowing each other. And when you think you know who the other person is, you get laid. Even doing that, many times this person isn't who you thought he were, and you break up. But, if you don't give yourself the time to know the guy. You end up having sex with so many guys that you think sex is something you do with anyone. And then, sex isn't special at all.The worst part is already to come. Because you can end up having a good guy who likes you for who you are. And he doesn't want just sex from you. This kind of guys usually think sex is something special. And wouldn't like to know you were hooking up around.I guess you have to start by stopping sex and prove yourself you can live without it. And then, start dating guys who will go out with you for two or three months without sex. Then you will be approaching the right kind of guys for you. Because you are in one extreme and you will need a guy from the opposite extreme to help you get in the centre again.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 April 2011):
 You just need to stop hooking up. You need to stop doing it. Like you said, you're only doing it because you think it helps your self-esteem, but really it's only making it worse. You need to find another hobby, something you can do for yourself that makes you feel good. Like take up an art class, or a dance class, or something. When guys come to you for sex, say no.Hang around with your girlfriends, go do fun things. Just stop hanging around with men for awhile (since I'd assume it would be hard to not have some sexual tension eventually). Don't go to bars and parties where you might be tempted to drop into bad habits.You can't possibly know that you've lost faith in love and romance since neither of those things have happened yet. Kisses will start to feel good again when they mean something. But they have to be with someone you like, someone you want to be with. Not some guy just looking for sex.Like I said, take a class where you can be around nice people all working towards learning something fun, it will get you out meeting nice friends, and learning something fun will boost your self-confidence (so long as you're learning it for yourself). I know it sounds clichéd, but you can't expect anyone else to love you until you can learn to love yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): i agree with everyone on here. i think, personally, you should take a long break from sex. and then when the time is right, youll be ready
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Patience, self control, and delaying gratification.
Either you learn to do it or you don't.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 You start by saying no. No sex, no more false intimacy until you have found that one person who ignites that fire in you. Its not anything physical, a fire that burns because you deeply enjoy their presence, not their body.
When you realize the nature of someone's intentions, you walk away, because I can tell you, the ones that are driven by lust will not care, they will go on to find someone else because all they are looking for is a warm body to use. You no longer have to be that body. Stop looking in all the wrong places, start doing things you love, things that make you feel happy. Reading your favorite book or dance or whatever makes you smile. Start there. Talk to people but don't let it escalate into anything sexual. Get to know them and let them get to know you.
It is far too easy to immerse ourselves in sorrow. That is why you think you cannot be patient. Force it. Because now you know how hurt you really are, that is why you feel nothing in those once physical delights. You are deeply hurt so you seek that momentary ecstasy, it is like a drug and you have to stop. You have to challenge yourself to find happiness through other means. Look in the mirror and ask yourself whether or not the person looking back at you is truly worth all the suffering you are forcing upon her by saying yes to all those mindless people. She is worth loving, of course she is. You just have to give her the proper chance.
There is nothing wrong with playing the friend role. In a friend we find people we can confide in, people who care about us, if you are a true friend to others, you deserve to have someone care about you and love you, don't you agree? But all good things come to those who wait and with good reason too. Keep being social but don't let someone undeserving of you, use you. Just say no. Force that one word out from your lips and you would have started that change to the joy you've been missing.
Whoever does fall in love with you, whoever you feel love for, I think they will be quite lucky because after all of this, when you succeed, you would have learned to truly cherish those feelings, unlike so many people today. It all starts by saying no. As difficult as it may be, you have to try because when you do, you will wake up the next day knowing that you weren't used the previous night and you can win this.
I hope that helps.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Emotions are irrational, but rational thinking may help sorting them out.
So :
you don't refuse these guys because you feel bad for them. This is just absurd - when you feel yourself thinking like this, you can stop and say : I am having an irrational thought, so I am not going to follow through my impulse.
You are not supposed to feel bad for them. They are strangers- or casual acquaintances. Sure ,empathy and compassion are good, in fact in theory we should feel bad for the sufference of everybody in the world- but these guys would not suffer because of your refusel : they don't give a fuck, either you or another woman it's all the same. They'd be momentarily annoyed, then they 'd shrug it off, hey you can't score every time, next.
If you have a surplus of empathy, keep it for whom deserves it- maybe do something to alleviate the sufference of people who are REALLY suffering.
Your second reason- the pursuit of an at least momentary happiness- would be correct- if it only worked. But it does not! You don't feel happy, you feel like crap, you feel lousy, you don't enjoy it ! Is that happiness ?...
So what do you do now. Well, that's the typical thing that counseling could help a lot. Particularly cognitive therapy, because your dysfunctional behaviour s based upon dysfunctional ideas and a dysfunctional perception / interpretation of reality.
If you can't get professional help right now, in the meantime treat it like any other addiction. Like quitting smoking. You know it's strongly lowering the quality of your life, - so you quit cold turkey. . You give up- you give up to the search of a partner, you ( temporarily )pretend that you are 90 so there is no need or wish for
attracting men. It WILL suck the first few months- you'll have moments of real panic. Just like when you quit smoking. But, you need to break the habit somehow. And give yourself time a ) to get back control over your life and body- if you have sex, it has to be because YOU want, not because " they " want - b) to get to your subconscious the idea that you are a new person, with new behaviours and attitudes, which therefore at the right time will manifest new people in your life and new ways to relate to them.
Also, read and learn about self esteem, there are good books , even classes, about how to increase it or regain it , in non sexual, non-relation based ways.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): The first step is to differentiate between sex and love-making.
The physical act might be the same, but only one has the powerful emotional connection driving the lust into proportions that no amount of casual sex can ever reach.
The second thing is to keep sex out of a relationship for a good long while, at least until it feels as if sex is simply the most natural way of expressing the love between you and your chosen partner.
The third thing is to get over this idea that you need any form of relationship to be worthy of anything. Once you are happy and content by yourself, then that confidence and happiness will attract others seeking the same.
So yes, less sex, and more just hanging with people. And don't let any rejections taint your view of humanity. Remember that the good people are more numerous than the bad, we just don't walk around shouting about it.
Flynn 24
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