A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thank you in advance.Question: do you have any suggestions of free (but decent) online websites that are for friendship and dating, rather than just dating?Background:I have a long history of physical and mental health issues that are managed with medication and coping day by day. I was also severely bullied at school, which meant nobody wanted to be friends with me and I was used a lot. This is what others would say too, rather than something I'm exaggerating.My first genuine friend soon became my first boyfriend. We both had our issues and, whilst we desperately wanted things to work, the stress in his life lead him to close off from everyone, whereas I find comfort in being with people I love. It may be a case of bad timing, as we're still good friends, but we don't live close to each other, so only see each other a few times a year now and neither of us are pining hope on us getting back together someday - it will either happen or it won't and it's not major for us, at the moment.I've always been lonely. I've tried an art class, sign language classes (3 yrs), volunteering, etc. and have failed to make friends. Everyone said I was lovely, but none were in the group to make friends - most were parents in their mid 30s, retired grandparents or 20 somethings into clubbing (not my thing). I tried to encourage meet ups for the sign language, figuring we could perhaps have a study group "friendship", but they all had their own things going on, so it didn't really take off. I couldn't afford the 4th year and they're night classes, which would be tough with my early starts now.I'm a carer who goes into people's homes to assist them. I've had this job since last year. I've met some cool people, but it's still quite an isolated job because it's not common to have two carers on one visit. Everyone has different shifts and it's an exhausting job. Before this, I struggled to find a job I could physically stick to with my health issues (most potential employers weren't understanding) and, to cope mentally with my motivation challenges, I needed to find one I was passionate about. Being a caring person has always left me more vulnerable to being used and abused, so finding this career path has been great. My employers are fairly lovely people, but not great bosses (most other carers say that too), so I'll probably have to find another company in the next couple of months. The job itself has helped a little with the loneliness and self-worth, though, which is good.I've looked into other groups to join, but can't find one that stands out to me or isn't too expensive to keep going to. I'm thinking of joining pole dancing classes for fitness and to hopefully improve my relationship with my body, as my health issues (chronic pain, PCOS and only a few days a month free from periods are main examples) and medications have lead to severe weight gain. I've worked for over a year with a dietitian and my doctor, but they believe I'm doing what I can, but it's not working. I have a fairly healthy lifestyle and have done for a while, which is why this makes me feel so crap and hopeless. I need a breast reduction, as my spine is curving, but can't afford it privately and my GP is pushing for funding. They are also trying to get a hysterectomy done to remove my period problems.I'm not ready to start dating again yet. My ex has quite literally been the only person in my life who has truly accepted me as is and still does. I've never had anyone interested in me as a friend, let alone anything more, aside from him, so I want to feel more comfortable with myself before trying to date again. I just feel too ugly, too hairy (hirsutism and too much hair to remove constantly), too unwell, I dress very simply and don't feel comfortable "dressing up" or wearing makeup, etc. to burden someone else with that. I also have to nap most days after work because I can't stay awake (particularly when it's hot - GP thinks it's Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is usually in winter, but can be summer), so I generally can't muster the energy to get ready, go out, deal with my anxiety/depression, try to be active in conversations, etc. I work weekends too, which is usually when people are available.As you can see, I have a lot of issues. I don't tell many people because they'd probably think half of it is made up, but I've been dealing with it for about half of my life now and have only recently found a doctor who is actively trying to help improve my quality of life.So, to repeat the question after all of this background: do you have any suggestions of free (but decent) online websites that are for friendship and dating, rather than just dating? I'm going to continue looking into mental health support groups locally, so see if that will help boost socialisation and potentially leed to a basic friendship or two. I did go to a depression one a couple of years ago, but they were all over 40, so it was tricky to relate. I'm going to try to find one for youth and go as frequently as I feel awake enough to. I'm also going to see if I can watch one of the pole dancing classes (they said they have a few plus sized dancers when I asked), to see if I can pluck up the courage to attempt it myself.Thanks again.(I would really appreciate if responses could focus solely on the question and not the rest of it, as I'm working on everything and it's hard to hear people make assumptions without seeing it from my perspective or someone close to me who has witnessed it.)
View related questions:
bullied, clubbing, my ex, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon, pole fitness or pole dancing *can* be used sexily, but isn't inherently sexual - same as any dance. Everyone is dressed in sportswear, no glittery bras or tassels. No creepy men and no boobs jiggling about, other than is normal for most exercising. It's about strength, fitness, flexibility and fun. It's women only and in a regular dance studio.If someone wants to go pole dance in a club, good for them. I don't and that's not what general pole dancing fitness is for.I have been hurt many times and that has affected how I see myself, but the chronic pain, menstruating, back pain, etc. is very limiting on daily life and how I feel about my body.I appreciate some of your responses, like acknowledging the pain and menstruation (I have tried different medications), but I don't appreciate you commenting on how men see me, as that wasn't related to my question and makes assumptions about a hobby I've just joined.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I went to my first pole fitness dance class today and loved it. I was still awkward, but the teacher was supportive and a couple of other young women I briefly spoke to were friendly, so I've booked the next few classes :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): The strange thing is that men see breasts or chests quite differently to women.We see them as something that gets in the way sometimes, awkward to find a suitable bra for and nothing that special.Even if we,ve gone a bit too far with self hate and scratched them up a bit , to men they are incurably interesting.From a guy point of view they obviously are happy to see you have your lady bits and are not a lady boy with a penis discretely taped between your legs.But you sound so decent that I feel you must have experienced something awful and somehow the perpetrator has blamed your figure or your looks so that now you are fearful of being yourself in your own skin.Of course I could have got it wrong, maybe it is really difficult to live in your body with the constant pain and unbearable level of menstruating.You can actually cut out periods entirely by taking the pill without a seven day break and maybe you have tried this.I know what its like to live in constant pain.It totally changes your whole personality because it restricts you so much from being who you want to be, so you have my condolences.I hope the nipple tassels didnt upset you.I had a good friend who was a dancer on the stage in showbiz and defiately not a stripper and she had nipple tassels to wear, attached to a sequined bra and we were laughing about the amount of jiggle you have to put in to get those tassles whirring.I just felt like mentioning this as ypu need to be aware of the conotation of pole dancing.It isnt just a question of good exercise and flexion.It is considered inherently sexy even if you are just memorising a phone number or shopping list while doing a routine.I dont think you would ever do stripping but you are considering a hobby which is closely linked and attracts undedirable men.It seemed a paradoxical choice for someone in your situation.You have a very level head on your young shoulders but unfortunately in life there is always someone willing to exploit so I wanted you to be fully aware of this connection which you clearly are.Do they video you while practising?This is something else to think about.I guess I would have been happier to hear that you were looking at another choice such as aqua aerobics where there is no connection to the sex trade.However, it is totally up to you how you live your life and what choices you make.It could be fun to juggle those sisters at home in the mirror but just for a laugh, not for public viewing. I dont think I managed to cheer you up much but it is a bit hit and miss sometimes so forgive me if I misinterpret your situation.The things you speak of are all relevant issue for females in todays world and for centuries women have tried to overcome their exploitation so you are not alone in your battles.And you will find your comfortable self one day and be happy to be uniquely you! God Bless you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): In terms of your body and your relationship to it - continue as you are, but - as another poster suggested - think about taking up swimming - and possibly yoga - because both are amazing for easing pain and generating calmness.Really well done for taking classes, but I think you've been aiming for slightly the wrong ones. Go for classes that involve team work of some kind, so that the emphasis is on working as teams. In this way, you will experience an increased sense of group belonging that may well extend beyond the class itself. So - any sports that involve team work would be good, or a reading group where you meet up to discuss your different thoughts and ideas about a book, or a choir where you sing together (but make sure it has a social event afterwards, like going to the pub - the last thing you want is a kind of 'repressed' choir where everyone leaves immediately afterwards - or something like team voluntary work, for example where teams gather together to clear wasteland or community gardens and parks, or voluntary work in a charity organisation. Another idea, if you can do it, is to get a dog and go to dog training classes - a dog is a fabulous companion, and dog training will bring you into contact with other dog-owners - though this will be expensive overall.With your caring skills and approach, I am also wondering whether you could take up a university course to take on a caring role that involved working in a team - maybe even a teacher in a school, where you'd work alongside other teachers?It does seem like the activities and career choices you've made so far have all been about individual or one-to-one interaction. Aim for team involvement. If you look after your body, your mental health usually always thanks you.Re. the hirsutism - if this really bothers you, I'd suggest saving and having electrolysis, bit by bit, as it were. I have a lovely friend who has the same problem and she is slowly and steadily working her way through electrolysis for different body parts!Re. the dressing up and make up - I used to be exactly like this and I know I will NEVER be one of the fully made up 'glamour' type of women. BUT I would honestly advise you to keep trying with this, if only to ultimately decide that you want a very minimal make up look and a classic, simple, but well chosen wardrobe. The way that I did this was went to many, many make up counters and asked for free make-overs. In the end, I ended up with a very simple routine but learned how to apply eyeliner to take me from day to evening wear, for example or how to select a great but fairly cheap foundation.In terms of clothes, it took me absolutely ages to figure this out and literally hundreds of trips to return bought clothes - honestly, there was something almost a little 'crazy' about this learning process, but also a huge amount of fun. Initially, I was so confused by clothes that I thought "okay, black bottoms (trousers of skirts) and white top". For several months, I experimented with different black bottoms and white tops - slowly adding things like pinstripe to the black trousers, or then aiming for three quarter length trousers, or going for different shapes of white blouses, then maybe adding a pair of earrings, or putting my hair up rather than down. From there, I slowly gained confidence with wearing colours that flattered my skin (for the tops I wore eg. pinks, peaches, some read colours, fresh blue colours). I always went for good quality fabrics and never hesitated to slightly adjust a garment if it wasn't quite right - sometimes adding, say, one extra button if a blouse was too low, or shortening the sleeves, or taking a hem down or adding a bit of lace or a belt. It's amazing what a tiny bit of customisation can do.Today, years later, I know exactly what suits me and what doesn't and how to invest in key items that look classy and will be long-lasting. This was all a huge amount of fun, but only because I developed a very thick skin about returning items to the stores and learned to ignore my mother's voice telling me I was being selfish for caring what I looked like. I do know another, very beautifully dressed woman who you would NEVER in a million years think had a complex about what to look like. She confessed to me she almost obsessively scours online stores, gets deliveries sent, tries them on at home and has no hesitation in returning items. It keeps her 'sane' and she looks fabulous.I don't think that you've understood that this is what clothes and make up can do - it seems like you find these oppressive at the moment, or as if you don't deserve what's actually a normal part of life, whereas if you make the right choices for you, these things support and enhance your sense of self. It's as if you are punishing yourself by refusing to engage with these things.You are actually doing a lot already that's right for you. Keep going, and add to what you're already learning, the rewards will come but the best reward is valuing yourself and rewarding yourself. Be your own best friend first. Treat yourself like you would your best friend and, in times when you just can't, forgive yourself and make friends with yourself again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses so far. To the first anon, though - I don't have money or a fabulous chest. I also won't be showing off my chest or wearing nipple tassels - that's stripping, not pole dancing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2018): Yes I know a great free site for dating and friendship that is badoo
Also for just female friends to socialise with girlfriendsocial is free and a fantastic site
...............................
A
female
reader, gigi33 +, writes (29 July 2018):
Hey gal,Your situation sounds really similar to mine. I've even just been diagnosed with PCOS! I came out of a long term relationship the day I found out about it and now 2 months later i'm feeling strong and confident and that I can manage. I'm always on the hunt for meeting new people so definitely get in touch. :) My advice for you though really is to continue what you're doing. Get out there and don't be scared because of past experiences to go and join new classes etc, I think joining a fitness group like netball or hockey etc, would be fantastic not only to help your PCOS but to join some people where sport really brings a sense of community into your life. I'm almost certain you will meet people in a sport group who will want to go out or at the very least they will add something new to your life. I don't know about any kind of online groups, but I do talk to a councillor on the phone every other week and it helps like no other- I have a good circle of friends but even so, talking to someone who is on the outside of your life,who can give you honest and advice with a clear perspective is amazing. Someone who you can vent to about your life and just that is so refreshing- it's hard at first but worth it. I think even though you've not had many friends, I would say just try your best to stay positive through this. I have luckily found people who share my kind of views and people who like the same things as me or dislike similar, i.e clubbing, etc but on the other hand, I have some amazing people in my life who do go out clubbing but are some of my closest friends and I can still equally enjoy a movie night in with them and talk to them.Being in your 20's can be so lonely- believe me, I know. But my advice is to fill your life with things that you know make YOU happy and try not to be close minded if people like a few other things different than you. Put yourself out of your comfort zone and ask people if they fancy a coffee after a class or something. It won't hurt to ask! Good luck and always here to chat
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2018): Quite honestly hun, I could have cried to read your story. You sound like a real treasure and survivor.There is so much of the energy of youth in your letter.Personally I think you have to recognise the beauty within you.Maybe I needed to shed a tear but I am still blinking them back.You need the courage to be you and I applaud you for integrating with different types of people.Some cultures find hirsuitness very attractive, specifically people who are not conditioned by the media doll idea.These people include Asian people, Rastafarians who believe God sent you as you are for a reason, Indian people both Muslim and Sikhs and perhaps bilions of other people we dont even know of personally.In short you have a place in this world.You are very resilient and wonderful just as you are.You will probably always be wonderful and never really know it.Do you have family anywhere who love you?Thats often a good place to start from as so much of life revolves around family these days.Which reminds me that you may want to have a child one day, but only you and your doctor know if that is a possibility as some serious health conditions prevent it.Pole dancing isnt always the best idea for pain sufferers and be warned that your breast size is often something that makes sensible men go stupid so try not to get into showing them off as no one is going to think of your bad back when you start juggling nipple tassles on them!I'll bet on the outside you come across as self controlled and on top of life.I was touched by your underlying sadness.Maybe you need someone close to you to keep reminding you of your wonderfulness.So if family cant be there to boost you up be careful who you choose to associate with as you are to some extent vulnerable and people would start online groups just to rope you in.After all you have everything unscrupulous people want and you are totally unaware of it.In the sought after box you have:fabulous breastsmoneynaivityand a little mixed up without family.That makes you prime bait.I know we are all bait for some reason or another ,but usually we are busy protecting ourselves.So I would suggest to you that you go for some tried and tested route.Such as a university part time course or latin american dancing.Keep on as you are because you are doing well.And swimming in a local pool is good for the back.I think if I could do anything for you at all, it would be to try to reverse the scheme in your head that doesnt allow you to see that you really have it all and you dont have to keep improving yourself unless you enjoy it.Sometimes if we slow down we find that love can come to us and we dont have to hunt it down.
...............................
|
