A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Help! I really need some advice and very quickly. I have a situation which I just don't know how to deal with. I am a woman who has a really close relationship with a gay man, - we are best friends, and he and his partner and I are really close. But we don't live in each other's pockets. We have lots of other friends, theirs, mine, mutual. We go out together a lot, and its always the more the merrier. Whenever I make a new friend, the first thing I want to do is introduce them to my two best mates. In ten years of friendship, there has never been an issue with anyone else joining the group, and I have never been a jealous or possessive friend. A couple of years ago we met another woman, about my own age, and at first I thought we hit it off. But very soon, I began to feel she was trying to edge me out. Its very subtle, and I am never sure if the things she says and does are innocent, or deliberate. She will say things to me that if repeated sound perfectly innocent, even nice, but I know how they feel, and that is more like 'digs', or things said to undermine me. These things are never said when either of my friends is within earshot. For example, once the four of us were discussing arranging a tennis match with other friends. As we were leaving, and when my two friends had just got out of hearing range, she said to me in an aside 'you can watch from the side sweetie'. I challenged her on that and she said she was just joking and why was I being awful to her when she was only having fun? She will organise things like nights out, or parties, and never invites me. There is always a plausible reason why I am left out. I have brought this up with my friends, and they have talked to her about it, but she is always able to explain things away. If we are all out together, she monopolises my best friend, so I hardly get to talk to him. She always has some problem she needs his advice on, or some other excuse. I often feel that I am being manipulated into a situation where if I speak up, I risk looking as though I'm just jealous or being a bitch to this lady who is always sweet to me when my friends are in earshot. I really try to give her the benefit of the doubt, and beat myself up constantly for having negative feelings, but every time I see her, something else happens, but never so my friends can see or hear it! Its my birthday at the weekend, and originally I had thought of arranging a girls weekend away, and perhaps something separate to include my two gay mates. I invited her on the girls weekend, but she said she was busy. It turned out I couldn't get that off the ground anyway for various reasons, and I am now going out with the two boys and 3 other women friends. Now this lady is suddenly free after all, and has asked if she can come. But she didnt ask me first, she contacted my friends, so now I am in a position where if I say no, I end up looking like a bitch and the night out will be spoiled. But if I say yes, it will probably be spoiled too because of her behaviour to me. I feel as if I have been manipulated into a position where whatever I do, it will not be good for me. I don't want her there, but I feel she will use it against me if I say no, and there will be a bust up, and I risk losing my friends, or at least having a disagreement with them. Whenever I have been backed into a situation like this by her, I have worried that if I try to stand up for myself, I will be just playing into her hands. In other words, if I say anything, maybe that is just what she wants. Then she will be able to be all injured innocence, and I come out looking like I'm the one with the problem. Actually, I think she envies me, and wants what she perceives me to have. The honest truth is that I would much rather be friends. I don't even think she dislikes me particularly, I just feel she doesn't want me in the picture.I would really appreciate advice on how to handle this. I am one of those people who deals with problems face to face. I can't do manipulation and am no good at games. What do you think I should do about the situation generally, and particularly, what do I do about my birthday night out this weekend? Thanks for reading, and I will be really grateful for any replies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hi everyone. Just thought I'd give you all an update. Well, I took Tuatara's advice and 'forgot' she was available after all, and didn't invite her. She turned up anyway, uninvited! But this time, instead of saying nothing and seething quietly, I said in a pleasant but straightforward way that I was surprised to see her, as I was sure that when I spoke to her about the girl's weekend, she had said she was busy. She actually blushed and said she had realised she was free after all. Then when she did her usual trick of engaging my friend Davey in a private talk, I said politely but firmly that we were all out together, and whatever it was, could she not share it with everyone. She said she just had a little problem she needed his advice on. Then one of the women spoke up and said that she was very sorry to hear that, - 'you seem to have a lot of problems, as I seem to remember you needed Davey's advice the last time we were out together as well'. I was really surprised, and pleased too, as I had thought it was just me that had noticed these things. After that, it just felt for me that she had lost whatever power she had over me, simply because she only had power because I had allowed it! I thought to myself, my friends are here to celebrate my birthday with me because they love me. And one of the things they love about me is that I am fun to be with. So, I will not allow this woman to make me change from being fun to being a grump! So I just relaxed and enjoyed myself. There were a few digs from her, and this time she got a bit careless and said things that other people heard. Like she said I looked fabulous, and 'no-one would guess my age'. I didn't even have to respond to that myself, as someone else told her that she could only dream of looking as good as me at any age! And you know what, you are all so right, - when you realise what someone is doing you just think, oh puleeeeese, grow UP. After that put-down, she was as good as gold, and she left early. I feel as though I have stood up to a bully, and it was like popping a baloon. I dare say she will come out fighting again, but she will have to be more and more obvious, and people are already on to her games.I am so grateful to all of you for your advice and support. I have been carrying this with me for so long, beating myself up, and thinking maybe it was me that was a nasty person. There is always an innocent explanation for her behaviour, and I thought I was the only one that saw anything else. But when I spoke up, it was as though I had given everyone else permission to do the same. It seems obvious to me now that others had been thinking the same as me, but because I had said nothing, they felt they could say nothing either. It helped me so much that not one of you said I was imagining things, and you gave me the courage to trust my instincts and stand up for myself.Thanks again everyone
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (15 March 2008):
 you need to stand up now!!!!!
get some strength and poise and when she makes a competitive comment (as everything you said about her screams competitive) laugh it off and make one back.
meet up with your friends on their own if you need a proper chat-personally i would never expect a conversation out with a group to get very deep or personal anyways so try seeing them on their own.
stop letting her bother you- if she has a taste for it and you always react then by not reacting she will miss her hit of satisfaction you provide but dont worry, she wont give up and will show herself more brazenly to get a result. when she does start acting odd to annoy you ignore it and ask her why she is being like that and then brush it off with something condescending and sarcastic like "there's no need for that here were all mates, me old mucka" (see- faux aussie slang sounds friendly but at the same time labels her an aged tramp in the best possible nature).
and so on... take the jibes and roll with the punches and laugh the bully into a corner
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A
female
reader, faith_believe_love  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 This happened to my loved one and thats really annoying.Sweetie you know talking to her will make her more worse believe me as i encountered these before no matter how good you treat her she wont change because thats their attitude really just dont mind her as if she doesnt exist but i dont mean to be snob with her when she talks to you in front of your friends just go with the flow just like that but dont let her get into your nerves dont add her to your problem ok???Yeah she do envy you in every way thats the reason why.Dont let her affect you focus on other things when suddenly you remembered what she done to you.You know there is Karma.Take care.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 This may come off a little immature, but maybe you could switch the venue, make it at your house and say you wanted it a little more private so keep the information to yourself? This situation sounds like a nightmare, I would consider associating more with a circle of your friends that she doesn't try to co-opt, maybe she will find a new target and someone else will eventually take note or see her social climbing. I just dont' think this is good for your mental health to be so close to such negative energy and would hope your guy friends would understand if you back away from them for the reason of maintaining your sanity--at least take temporary retreats and recuperate a little before getting back into it! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
 I knew a girl like this in college, she was a real master at saying the cruelest things, things that could singe your hair off, but the way she said it, it all sounded so innocent. Guys could never pick up on it but you can sure bet the girls did. I never did figure out the best way to deal with her, so I didn't and just tried to avoid her as much as I could. Not much help, sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Thank you both very much. Its so kind of you to listen and take the trouble to help. I will think carefully about your advice. It has helped just to be able to put down how I feel, and to hear that others don't think I'm just imagining things!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Hi there,
Well, firstly feeling like this is horrible and drives you nutty thinking that it must be you and not them! Time after time you tell yourself that your being silly, imagining things and that your just overracting or have some serious self esteem problem, which needs sorting out.
I don't think at all that your situation sounds like this. I can fully get where your coming from, and have had a couple of people I associated with who did the same things.
How manipulative or controlling the situations are are fully dependent on the characters involved. And I do think this lady has a temptation to be a little disruptive with your relationships and social scene. It almost sounds as if she feel somehow actually threatened by you.
Generally you can tell if someone is having a go and being deliberately sarcastic, but whilst you say that your not a game player, you need to also work out what she uses to make you feel a little bit pushed out or unimportant, to get to you. Is it possible she treats everyone the same or is it particularly you and you have made the comparisons?
I know what you mean about the tennis match, just a little sarcastic word suggesting you might not really be able to take part, as your not really the same as us! That was a dig, from where I see things!
Now, what seems to be the case here is that she is the bitch, certainly not you. And, if she is a bitch expect more of the same. One thing I had experianced was nasty little digs, then that over the top, in front of others, how nice I was in the patronising way, so others never knew that she was actually totally insincere, UNTIL I let her hang herself with words! I had noticed that she would say little things out of ear shot to me on the quiet, then change her personality when others came into conversation.
Once I had the knowledge of what she was in fact doing, I was then able to feel an awful lot stonger and confident with her. I actually started to find it funny. So the more I didn't react or perhaps give off the vibe she was getting in, the more she tried! That was when she blew it in front of others, and called me a looser! Classic, that was when the whole room looked disgusted at her, everyone left her home and she was exposed!. She is no longer in the group of friends this occurred in, but I am! Interestingly enough there where also gay couples in this mix. As it turned out she was threatened by my relationship with the others, which was very old, solid and genuine. She was the one who was not really 'in' and this was where it came from. Which is a bit sad really.
If you know your group of friends are loyal and value you. If you know that you have not contributed to any of her treatment of you, and whilst the game playing is not your cup of tea, you have to find out if she is using oppootunities to take a shot at you. A game may be necessary, but does not have to be over the top. If you have in the mix someone who can perhaps observe on the quiet on your behalf, that could be helpful. But, I agree with you that it is a load of silliness and needs to be resolved. So if you do think you have a reason to call her on it, possibly the only purpose would be to clear the air.
That's your call, if it is what you choose to do. Or you can choose to ignore her and distance yourself.
This group of friends you have is just as much yours as hers. Possibly 'more so' yours. So she cannot, take anything away from you or influence others opinions of you unless she make you change yourself, or if the friendships you have are not genuine. The choice is yours. People do notice bitchiness and attention seeking. She sounds like an attention seeker. But there is not competition, your values to the group are different.
When friendships last a long time, you know they really do want you in there life.
P.S. It's your birthday, she was not available so your plans do not need to include her. Just forget that she was available, you owe her NOTHING. She will spoil your birthday, and will hate the attention you get. So leave her out as she does not yet qualify as being in YOUR inner cirle. There is absolutely NO reason for you to feel any guilt about that, she wasn't into the girls thing so why is she suddently up for the dinner. I would not include her. What is the worst that could happen if she does not come!
Have a lovely birthday and you don't need to have bitches in your life, especially on your birthday!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): You poor thing! It does sound like this lady is very jealous of your relationship with your friends and unfortunately I dont think that will change.
I think the best thing you can do is ask your gay friends to meet you privately and explain your feelings.
Tell them she hurts your feelings with her nasty comments. Explain it to them calmly and tell them that although you have tried several times to be nice to her you feel it is all in vain.
Dont start playing games as you will just be as bad as her.
After speaking to your friends ask them to contact her and tell her bluntly that this behaviour is not acceptable. It is playground mind games and she should not be getting away with it.
As for your birthday... its your day so you decide who goes! If you dont want her there tell her and be straight about how she makes you uncomfortable!
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A
female
reader, peaches83 +, writes (13 March 2008):
 She sounds a bit of a control freak to be honest. It does sound liek she is trying to manipulate you and get between you and your friends.
I would suggest maybe taking her on teh side and telling her exactly how she makes you feel and that you dont like it and wish her to stop.
She may act surprised adn upset but don not take it stand your ground and stick by your guns.
If your two gay friends are true to you then they wil stand by you, maybe speak to them and see their opinion too.
If you do come across as a bitch then that is their fault for not seeing how it is effecting you.
Generally when people have their doubts about things like this then they are right so trust your instincts, and stop kicking yourself.
Peaches
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