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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: [MOD NOTE: OP's OWN TITLE]I am only 13, but worried about getting married. I have never had a boyfriend. I dont even have any guys that are friends, I pretty much dont have any friends. My dad left when I was 6 and I havent seen much of him since then. My mom has never really dated any one since the divorce, so I havent been around men much. Im starting to think that all men want sex and will do anything to get it. I know not all men want just sex. But I feel the same way about men when they are in relationships. If a man isnt looking for sex and he finds a great woman, hes going to try to get her [ not sexually ] because she is "special". I feel bad about this because I feel like I will never be special enough to be wanted. My mom will sometimes say that all men are pigs, and she brings herself down saying that no man will ever want her. That makes me sad. But I think she is starting to change because the other day I was talking about that is mothers got paid for everything they do around the house, they would get paid a lot. My mom said that men do things to help as well. Because I had said "like what?". Shes never said anything like that and I think shes noticed my negativity in men because Ive started to badmouth men as well. Another thing that makes me hate men is that they always look at the pretty girls. They dont pay much attention to the "ugly" girls. Im not gorgeaous, but not bad looking, i guess. Again I know not all men are like this, that they like girls with personality. Which is another thing Im worried about. I dont have much of a personality either. Im never going to get married because I dont have looks or personality. Im even scared of men. Whenever I see a man in public I always think of them doing something bad. Like rape or something. Im only 13 and have a whole life ahead of me but feel like im not ever going to go anywhere as in like a career, family, husband, kids, ect. What can I do to change my feelings towards men? I will always be cautious around men though
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male
reader, Rav attack  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 I think your hate of men is more of a scape goat for some of the other problems your going through. no men dont think about sex 24/7 and even if we did that doesnt mean we want it. and your right about guys looking at attractive girls. but attractiveness is all really realative. so its just what a guy prefers to look at. girls look at attractive guys to. all the time. so were both the same in that way. im sorry about your father thats terrible my father left my mother for a woman 40 years younger than him so i know some of what your going through. have you considered going to a counseling place. i know its sounds lame or stupid and i used to think the same but its really just someone to talk to and it can really help. as for the guys. your young. dont worry so much about getting a guy now. youll find somebody that thinks your gorgeous and loves being with you. my girlfriend thinks shes fat and ugly i think completly otherwise. and were both pretty socially ackward people both we both laugh and joke and have so much fun together. i guess what im saying is theres someone out there for everyone so take your time. open up to people. and be yourself. cheesy i know but if you want a boyfriend or just a friend thats a boy you need to let them know you, exactly who you are. so he doesnt fall in love with who you try to be but you. good luck :)
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 Intolerance and hatred often stems from ignorance and a resistance to outside perspective. I despise reading about intolerance and hatred but I need to read it because it clears my vision and helps me see other perspectives and why some people see the world in a certain way.
In school, talk more to other guys. You say that guys never pay attention to 'less attractive' girls, do you pay attention to 'less attractive' guys? I know that you and your mother are hurt by the experience you have had but do not judge all of mankind this way. I'm happy to hear that you know not all men are the same.
At that age, people are often hormonally stimulated, men are easy stimulated by what they see when they look at 'more attractive' women.
When I started school, I was the shyest and quietest boy there. There was this one girl whom I thought was ugly, I thought that there wasn't a chance in the world that I would ever even think about dating her. Turns out when I started school, she had a crush on me. I didn't know that at the time but we became close friends anyway. Four years later I ended up asking her out because I felt this powerful attraction to her.
Spend time with more people, men and women, everyone in the world is different in one way or another. Remind yourself that you don't have to be afraid of most men. Tell your mother that she needs to keep searching because someone out there is ready to love her and restore her faith in man. If she argues that all men are pigs again, tell her she is wrong, how do I know? Is she absolutely certain that out of the 1 billion or so available men in the world, not ONE of them is decent enough to be her husband and a good step-father? Admittedly, the world does have it's fair share of dishonest and decieving hate-mongers but you have to remind yourself that there ARE happy couples in the world. I know a few couples that have been together for years now and have never doubted each other. Spend time understanding the world and you will find a man who loves you and cherishes you more than anything, he'll make you feel safe and he'll make you feel beautiful.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 This has definitely been an influence from your mom's negative thoughts about men. Realize that you said that not all men are pigs, and that is the truth.
If your 13, I would toss this whole issue aside and not even think about what a man wants in a girl until you're older. I know that people date at 13, I'm not saying you're too young, but I am saying that people don't have to date at 13, its not always expected and you won't seem odd for it.
Next time you are around a man, try thinking about the good qualities they portray. The more you notice the good qualities the better opinion you will get, this might happen slowly over time but if you do this then by the time you are lets say anywhere from 16-21 you might actually want to try dating.
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