A
female
age
26-29,
*fiwereyou-x
writes:hello,I'm having a huge problem with jealousy and need some help. well,I say jealousy but I don't actually know how to put it. I trust my boyfriend 100% when he goes out that he will not be unfaithful to me. my problem is that when he is on the Internet,I know that more than once he has looked at porn. I don't know whether its a problem with porn I have,I have watched it in the past, and watched it with him once,both were fine,but I was very aware that another girl was turning my boyfriend on. in a way this really turns me on,but also it makes my blood boil and I like shake with anger at the thought..I've always said to him if he ever watched porn during our relationship it's over. so of course he watched a lot of very out there porn..I realised that's obviously not worth breaking up over,I love the bloke, but it sickens me. I haven't been the same since, knowing that he actually decided in his head that he was going to type this into the Internet and watch it. I could cry, I could break something. I'm so so upset and so angry,but I can't understand why. we've spoken since and he's promised he will never do it again,but as well as feeling that I can't really ask this of him,I also feel I cannot trust it of him? I really need some help I don't know what's going on here,someone! help from males as to why porn is important or appealing or whatever, and what it means to them if they've done it whilst with a girlfriend. and anything else welcome. please help I feel heartbroken!why am I not good enough!
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heartbroken, jealous, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (24 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to th last poster,very helpful :)
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (23 April 2013):
I think it is almost impossible for men to think about the same person every time they masturbate, if he tells you how attractive you are etc and thinks of you at least some of the time I think that's the best bet you can have.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 The confusing thing to me is why flickering images on a computer console constitute cheating. It is fantasy (no more no less) no if he/she goes out and meets up with that fantasy...THAT is cheating.Relax the world is spinning through space and we're all gonna die someday then it'll all be fine.
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (14 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe does understand, we've spoken about it a lot especially this weekend. I've never been so hurt by something or someone! he doesn't want to hurt me again
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (14 April 2013):
It is possible they will look again because they don't understand why they should be stopped from doing something they enjoy that doesn't directly affect you. I know it's upsetting :(
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (12 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI trust him 99.9% and that's good enough for me
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 don't forget to add
4. INGORE the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM TILL IT shits on my floor... then whine about it.
AGAIN FOR THE THIRD TIME OP I ask you....
do you trust him now 100% that he will NEVER look at porn again?
will you snoop to find out? if so then
WHAT IS YOUR PLAN IF YOU FIND OUT HE'S LOOKED AT PORN AGAIN.
by ignoring this question you are just shoving your problem under the rug.
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (12 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionor 3: ignore unnecessary anonymous comments and move on with my life, with the love of my life? okay then
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): 1. Get someone deep amd artistic who finds porn distasteful, degrading and/or boring.
2. Get an older guy who respects people's feelings. If I had told my ex at the beginning I didn't like porn who knows what would of happened and he was 35 at the time.
Not all men do it, met one recently who stopped because he was grossed out by the industry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 April 2013):
so what he is saying is
I didn't know you would catch me doing something I already said I would not do. Now that you have caught me I'll be way more careful about deleting my history and not getting caught.
so AGAIN OP I ask you in all seriousness....
NOT leaving him over looking at porn is not an option for you and you have made that clear to him.
He knew before you caught him the first time that you SAID you would leave if you caught him. YOU did not leave and have told him it's not worth leaving him over it. You also have TOLD him you don't want him doing it. He's TOLD you he won't do it any more. Didn't he tell you the first time you had the conversation that he wouldn't do it? And yet he did. and you just accidentally managed to catch him.
So now where it stands
he knows you won't leave if he does it
he knows you will check his phone now
he knows you will be hurt and upset when you catch him so he will be more careful to either do it somewhere other than his phone and he will be careful to hide his tracks better and not get caught
so now we have two questions
do you really trust that he will never look at porn again?
if so, you're done here... and you never need to check his phone or his computer as you trust him 100% and he will never look at porn again.
or will you wonder and check (lack of trust)
and if you do eventually "catch him" having NOT given him permission and yet telling him you will not leave him if he does it again, I ask you in ALL SERIOUSNESS:
WHAT IS YOUR PLAN FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU CATCH HIM LOOKING AT PORN? How do you plan to handle it? What will you do?
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (11 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe didn't know I would see his Internet history did he..he never meant for me to see it therefore never meant to upset me,now I know it happened and he knows I know, we've spoken loads about it and how much it hurts me,and he's said he won't do it again
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 April 2013):
OP you said in your most recent follow up: “he said he wouldn't do it again because he didn't realise how much it upset me,because to him it's not a big deal”
And yet in your original post you said “I've always said to him if he ever watched porn during our relationship it's over. so of course he watched a lot of very out there porn.”
So if you always said to him the relationship was over if he watched porn how could he NOT know how upset you would be if he got caught?
Are you not seeing that he already KNEW it would bug you?
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (11 April 2013):
Yes that makes sense they don't understand why women moan about it, same as when women don't understand why a man is bothered about their sexual history. Whatever reaction you got it couldn't of been as bad as the ones I got.
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (11 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe said he wouldn't do it again because he didn't realise how much it upset me,because to him it's not a big deal
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (11 April 2013):
If he initiates sex when you're together, tells you how attractive you are when you are and aren't there, tells you he liked last night and sends you texts, I'd let it go. I got none of that with my ex boyfriend even though he had given up the porn I still didn't get any of that. I didn't get hardly any of that before I started complaining about the porn either.
"I've always said to him if he ever watched porn during our relationship it's over."
So he went behind your back, what was his reaction when you said he couldn't watch porn?
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female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (10 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was worried it was wrong to ask him not to,but I have asked him not to and he's said he won't. he just saw all of this on my phone and his reaction was one that I wanted in the first place. the only option is for him to not look at it. I said I'd leave him if it happened, but when it came to it I realised that its not a good enough reason to end the best year of my life. all I wanted to know was the opinion of males who watch porn
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2013):
yes but you said you could not ask him not to look, you told him if he looks you would leave... he looked your not leaving
what do you think will happen the NEXT time you find out he's looked at porn?
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (10 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the answers. obviously if I've got an issue I'm not going to give him permission. thanks anyway, but that wasn't very helpful
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2013):
Is it normal for me to react like this. Yes it’s normal for YOU. It’s not normal for me.
Everyone has their own levels of comfort. IF your level is “if you watch porn then I’m out of here” then that’s what you must do.
The problem is you told him if he watched porn during the relationship that it’s over. So he did it and you did not leave. Now he knows you won’t keep your word.
IF you realize it’s not worth breaking up over, then you have a problem. You need to retract your statement and admit you were wrong and accept that he will watch porn (he said he would not and he may not but then again he may just get good at hiding it to not upset you)
Give him permission to watch porn. Then the trust is not an issue. YOU can trust he will watch porn. Now in my opinion, what he does after the porn is the key. IF he comes to you and you have wonderful sex, then it’s a win-win… but if he watches porn to avoid having sex with you, then that’s an issue. IF he is watching child porn then that’s wrong and illegal and that would be a deal breaker for me. IF he watches very violent or BDSM porn and wants to reenact those scenes and you don’t, then that’s a problem. Or if he gets all his ideas of how sex should be from porn than that’s a problem too.
I have no problems with my man watching porn. I have learned that what they see on the screen is not about the actual woman but rather the act. IF we just had the sound track and a close up of the actual act without faces I think most guys would be just as happy. Ever watch porn and fast forward through the pretend dialog just to get to the sex? Porn is not about art or acting or the actress… it’s about the act and the release. How did I learn this? My hubby watches porn… some tranny stuff.. mostly Asian women… mostly young women. I am a middle aged NOT Asian woman. All the porn stars he loves have long dark hair. So I figured he wanted long dark hair on me. WRONG! I was SHOCKED to find out that ON HIS WIFE he prefers shorter hair…. He’s not watching porn because I’m not enough. He’s not watching porn because he does not find me attractive or he does not love me (we’ve talked about it enough for me to know this). He watches porn because he gets the idea in his head and he wants a release or he wants to come to bed ready for me.
It’s not an indication that you are not good enough or you are not satisfying. I love tacos I don’t love tacos EVERY day.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (10 April 2013):
Yes it is normal to react like this at least it is to me. I could of written what you said myself. If you check my old answers and questions you will see. I've been unlucky to have two boyfriends who were too much into it. When confronted it they just looked through me like I didn't tell them. Some men are not in tune with why it bothers women. The porn thing is extremely annoying, some men are more into than others. I know some men who don't see the point in it when they have a sexual relationship. Some guys can get off quite easily without the pictures, I know one guy who can get off to the THOUGHT of an CLOTHED picture I find that most admirable lol. Some guys don't like to think of their girlfriends when they are doing that because they feel disrespectful but if they say that it might just be an excuse for them to carry on watching porn. (That's what I think they are up to people might disagree.)I still don't understand the use for it when they have loads of real life porn memories stored in their brain. The only thing I have come up with is that it isn't enough to stimulate their brain when their girlfriend isn't there if they are the type that uses porn regularly. The porn has rewired their brain so thoughts don't cut it. Did porn bother you before? I check now quite early on what turns them on, I wouldn't mind them using erotic stories. There ARE some men who find porn boring so don't let people tell you any different.
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (10 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe also said he would stop because it upset me,I don't think he's addicted. is it normal for me to react like this?all my friends are like 'let him do what he wants, all boys do it' like it's weird that I care?i would never leave him over this but it's eating away at me,thank you to everyone who took the time to answer
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A
female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (10 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy boyfriend is nearly 20,and I'm nearly 18. move on easily? maybe to you but I'm sure you remember being in love at 17, it's not easy. thanks to the two males you both really helped, and thank you for taking the time to answer, female,but I won't be taking your advice on this one
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female
reader, ifiwereyou-x +, writes (10 April 2013):
ifiwereyou-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hadn't thought about being more sexy..this has rally affected our sex life I never want it now.. we did have it last night and it was brilliant,I wouldn't mind at all doing it every day but I'm never turned on.The porn he was watching was extreme pornography. I hate to bring up the subject again with him i feel like I'm reminding him to do it or something..okay so do you think if I had more sex with my boyfriend,say every day then he won't have the 'need' to watch porn?i think I'll try this:) One more question though,can you elaborate on what porn actually means to you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): In my experience, I've only had a problem with a guy watching porn in one relationship. He was addicted to it. I found it by accident once, his Internet history was full of porn. I've never seen anything like it. Furthermore, it was affecting our sex life (excessive porn viewing and sucky sex life usually go hand in hand). I think there were two factors causing this. One is he WAS addicted. I know because I've had boyfriends since who didn't do that. I mean all guys look at porn here and there but normal guys prefer sex and certainly wouldn't let porno affect their relationship. The second factor was his age. We were in our early 20's. Young guys are raging with hormones. There are probably few guys at that age who don't look at porn. At that age guys have sex on their mind every second of the day. And they are not thinking of the long term in a relationship. They are young and want to experience as much sexually as they can. So while his age is a factor I don't think it's the only problem. There are young guys who are sensitive to their girlfriends feelings. I think he probably is addicted. People who are addicted to stuff are selfish and don't consider the people they hurt. You already told him how you feel. You're young, you can move on easily, if that's what you choose. All I can say is that my boyfriend who was addicted to porn never changed. So I ended things with him. And I'm happy I did.
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A
male
reader, wiseone77 +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Well, from my perspective, I can see why you might be worried. The fact that your bf watches porn is hurting you, and I can tell you that there are some guys out there who have the same issues as your bf. I would suggest asking him if he would be willing to go to couples therapy to solve this problem, since there are more than a few men who are actually addicted to pornographic material and are viewing it constantly. Also, why not show your bf that you can be just as sexy as any porn star he watches. Try role-playing, or even sexy lingerie. Ask him to talk dirty to you, even consider going into new territory like sensual massage or even bondage if you're ok with it. However, don't let things get to where YOU don't feel comfortable, and let him know when something isn't OK with you.
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A
male
reader, viewfromluke +, writes (9 April 2013):
first of all don't ever say your not good enough, don't ever believe that for one second!
honestly porn isn't really important for me as for me its there and i only look at it because I'm horny(turned on) as well in my opinion the girls don't turn me on i find cute girls and its the fact their naked for me but every guys different.
as for your boyfriend I don't know whats going on in his head but you shouldn't worry talk to him tell him how it makes you feel and let him explain why he watches it. it maybe just that he gets horny but can't have sex at that moment so he deals with it himself
hope I helped
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