A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 12 years, 3 awesome kids. Very “stable” family with two educated and employed parents, no abuse, drugs, issue or anything like that. We are both good parents. Wanted to make that clear. We have had a "good" marriage, ups and downs like everyone I suppose. Over the past year, my wife has been doing some things that led me to think she was not happy in the marriage, and sure enough, in November I caught her texting a male co-worker. I know this started in Nov because I saw her phone records and this number was not on there before that time. Well one thing led to another, and in Jan she wanted to separate. She claimed it was not about the other man, it was sort of a mid-life crisis but I know that is just an excuse to be selfish and that an affair was starting. So, after a couple of weeks of my pleading and begging like a baby, I decided it was not working, I felt like a doormat and said she needed to move out. She did in fact move out. I acted as if I was fine (of course I was hurting) on some days, other days I told her how I felt. I am a good man, great husband, dada, provider. I told her she would regret this and ultimately she would be knowing at the door asking for me to let her back in my life. Well sure enough, in march that happened. She said she loved me, missed me, went nuts and would never find anyone like me. I love her and am not ready to give up on her or my family but am being very cautious. I do believe she had an affair, but I am not one who says that is the be all end all like some people. There are obviously reasons that led to this and sometimes I feel like I was not there emotionally for her and take blame for that, but is no excuse for how she acted. Other than counseling, which I know needs to happen, what steps does she need to take to prove she deserves back in my life? She still works at the same place as well. Thanks everyone this is a great site.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Most folks will not like MY take on this. I am sure that I will be told I’m being too hard on the OP… but remember we only have HIS side of it… I would love the wife’s version of this as well.
In November you “caught” her texting a male co-worker. What did you do about this when you found out? Did you talk to her about it then? I sense the answer is no.
YOU SENSED SHE WAS NOT HAPPY… WHAT DID YOU DO TO FIX THIS UNHAPPINESS???
YOU CAUGHT HER…so you had a lack of trust and instead of talking to her about it you spied on her correct?
I assume when she asked for a formal separation, you accused her of wanting to have an affair with this man (instead of asking her “honey I sense you are unhappy, what’s wrong? Can we talk about it? What about counseling to try to work this out before you leave?”) and she said “NO of course not, since has she said ‘yes’ it would have deteriorated even further.
Then instead of accepting her needs and trying to figure out how to work it out you spent two weeks begging and pleading.. please don’t go… did you say “lets go to counseling NOW?” did you ask “can we fix this?”
Clearly BOTH of you handled it badly.
You go on to say “I am a good man, great husband, dada, provider.” Does she think you are these things too? Have you asked her? Maybe you are a great daddy and a good man but not such a great husband for her?
YOU TOLD HER she would REGRET leaving you… WOW pretty presumptuous of you.
And NOW YOU WANT HER TO HURT AND PAY FOR HER FAILURE TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED HER TO DO. You want to PUNISH her don’t you? How will this help heal your broken marriage?
She moved out and separated from you. UNLESS part of the condition of the separation was that she not sleep with others, she did not cheat. You actually do not know for a fact she had a relationship WHILE SEPARATED with someone else… you just make this assumption. (I do believe she had an affair…) BTW would the affair be less or more upsetting if it did not involve sex?
As for what steps SHE needs to take to PROVE to you that she DESERVES back in your life? That’s between you and your wife.
Personally for me, I do not think you will find what you want from HER behavior. I think you need to figure out if you can “forgive” her for wanting to figure out what she needed/wanted. IF you can’t let it go totally you will never heal and the marriage will NOT survive.
And stop making assumptions. Get a good marriage counselor and work with her if you both want to save this marriage. Get to the truth by making sure she knows you are not going to HOLD it AGAINST her.
Part of this healing process means YOU have to LET GO of your anger and pain and while you will never forget, you must totally FORGIVE and move on or you will hold resentment and anger.
Marriages do survive infidelity. I saw it in my parents’ marriage.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): If she wanted to have a fling, she would have had a fling and you wouldn't have had a clue.What could a co-worker offer that would make her leave her loving family of so many years? Again, there's big difference between a few "quickies" and moving out of her home.I think it is a mid-life crisis but even those have a reason for popping up. Not being there for her emotionally is a broad topic that is very difficult to cover, especially here. To really get to the bottom of this you need to fully, thoroughly and completely determine what brought this on. Make absolutely certain she is telling the truth to both you and ,perhaps more importantly, herself. If you see that she has a hard time describing the issue, it means she is either holding back or doesn't have a full handle on what is going on. If she's having a hard time with the issue, various professionals can guide her to more clarity.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): She needs to be honest and forthcoming with information. She needs to stop all contact with the other man too.However. She was originally the one who wanted to separate and you were begging her to stay. Then the roles were reversed and you asked her to leave and she then came crawling back. Don't ignore the fact that originally she was the one who wanted to leave. That says that she has major issues with you and this marriage. The other man didn't make her want to leave you, he isn't that powerful. She already felt unhappy and univested in the marriage long before that. Thus don't look at the affair as the starting point for when the marriage broke down. It actually broke down long before the other man was in the picture which means you had something to do with it. Going forward you would need to not just focus on the affair and her betrayal but on what happened before that. Don't get so caught up in the moral high ground of being the one who was cheated on, that the root cause of the marriage breakdown gets ignored.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): She has to sincerely want to satisfy you in his marriage.That isn't the same thing as simply wanting you to not divorce her. She could feel nothing for you but wants the marriage to continue for financial reasons or to avoid social condemnation. So I think if his marriage is to work her heart must want sincerely to have a real relationship with you. But you cant know someone else's heart. Especially if that person has shown themselves capable and willing to lie and deceive and keep secrets from you. Since you want the marriage to continue, you will just have to take a leap of faith and assume she is sincere. If she is sincere I would expect her to willlingly give you all her passwords as a show that there will he no more secrets. If she is unwilling to do this now when the affair is so recent, I would doubt her sincerity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): "Very “stable” family with two educated and employed parents, no abuse, drugs, issue or anything like that. We are both good parents. Wanted to make that clear. We have had a "good" marriage, ups and downs like everyone I suppose. "OK first of all you need to let go of your idea that you had a 'good' marriage. Your marriage had big problems (whether you knew them or not) stretching back a long time. In a "good" marriage - one that is truly good not just good on the surface as it appears to outsiders - infidelity doesn't just suddenly happen. By the time infidelity happens it is a SYMPTOM of major problems that were already there, usually problems that were many years in the making.Yes your wife should not have have an affair but I think if you want to to take her back and heal your pain you have to not be holding up the past as the standard to which you want to return (because the past marriage was flawed just that you didn't even see it as that is part of the flaw). This is not about getting things back to where they were. If that was all you did, then her infidelity is either bound to happen again, or she might decide to leave permanently when she has secured a new guy. You have to basically see this as starting from scratch. And try to figure out what caused her to feel so lonely and detached from you that another man could even come close to filling some void. why did she even have that void to begin with if your marriage was supposedly "good"? That's where you need to start. while she does bear the responsibility for her actions, you also need to examine your own role in the events that led up to her decision. Maybe you caused her to feel alienated, or unloved, or whatever. This does NOT mean it was OK for her to cheat, if anythign she should have divorced you instead if she was THAT unhappy with you. Or maybe you were not to blame for anything other than your choice of woman to marry, if she has always deceitful and selfish. either way, you are part of the picture and you need to understand your role in this as well.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 April 2013):
 No doubt about it -- your wife was the one who left you and cheated. Now she's crawling back to you. I know that part of you wants to test her, and even wants to emotionally punish her for what she did to you. These are normal feelings.
If you want the marriage to work, you have to decide whether you're willing to work together with her to rebuild trust. Counselling is at the start of it. You are at the end of it. If you want to make her jump through hoops until you feel better, it won't work, and you might as well break up. Her crawling back to you was punishment enough, and you need to work through your feelings slowly and healthy. This means no revenge cheating, no berating her and calling her names and throwing things in her face with every argument. Yes, she cheated. I hate cheating. So if you can not let go, just let her go.
She will have to show that she's willing to rebuild trust. Rebuild communication. She should eagerly allow you access into every part of her life. No hidden cell phones, passwords, texts, etc. She never talks to this other guy again. It's one day at a time, one step at a time.
In order for you to do this, understand that the marriage, the relationship is gone now, and both of you will have to start from scratch. She and you are strangers now. Get to know each other again. I've seen marriages come back stronger after an affair, but they are rare and take both willing people.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 This is your marriage and your feelings. Only you will know what feels right for you. Take things slowly, you don't need to jump straight back into your marriage, take time and work on your relationship. Good luck, you sound like you really care about her so I hope it all works out for you :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): I disagree with Iamheretohelpyou. This is your wife's fault! She's the one who cheated. I hate it that some people act like when husbands cheat, they're just assholes, but when wives cheat it's okay because their needs weren't being met. It's a ridiculous double standard. You did nothing to deserve this. If your wife had a problem with your marriage, she should have addressed it with you instead of screwing a guy at work.
That being said, if you want to continue this marriage, you'll have to forgive her. If you didn't have children, I'd advise you to run. Your wife is a self-centered, inconsiderate person. But you have three innocent children. It's a tough call and I agree you need lots of counseling to try to salvage this marriage. Best of luck to you!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): its up to you if you want to give this marriage another go, if she is begging to come back and you want her back maybe you should. Just know that the past has to stay in the past and if you can let it go than fight for your marriage. If the past is going to be haunting you than its best to leave it at that. Go to counseling and see where you two go from there. She can beg all she wants eventually its your feelings that matter, but there is not much she can do but to ask you for another chance.
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