A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together for over 20 yrs and have 2 children. I have recently discovered he has been txting men and has on at least 3 occasions had a head job from another man and has returned the favour - this is what he has admitted to ( and I really dont know if he really telling me everything as he has lied to me before when confronted 12 months ago re txt messages - he then bought a prepaid phone) I also discovered some 'lovely' self taken photos some of which he has dressed up in womens underwear. I am feeling totally destroyed, disgusted and abused. I have had to have blood tests for all std's (no condom was used) plus a urine test for clamydia. Still awaiting results. Has anyone else out there gone thru something similar? For the men out there ... is this normal heterosexual behaviour? He will be undergoing some counselling. Again just totally gutted. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): Thanks for your replies. He has basically told me everything ( and I mean everything).Ha we've even gone thru every single txt message he has made on the prepiad ( oh and have i been thorough!) At this stage he denies wanting to be with men in any sort of relationship way ( love etc) but was curious and it was a 'dick' thing - and said he wasnt getting any from me - to which i said crap dont blame it on me.. Have done heaps of googling and yes there are no black or white areas when it comes to someones sexuality. So its not just a simple case of being straight or gay. Men unlike women appear to be capable of having sexual relations with another male and have no emotional response whatsoever ( some interesting papers /research done on this called smsm ) and not be classified as "gay" He knows he has to really nut this out before we can make any long term decisions. He's seen 1 counsellor who has referred us to Relationships Australia and am waiting for another group to get back to us. Its been amazing about the lack of info that these counselling groups have about a situation like this and yet it must happen quite a bit but I just dont think the women find out. I really love this guy and am still undecided what will be the longterm outcome.... he also wants to make it work but he also knows under what conditions. It certainly wont be easy.. Its a very weird position to be in. I have my good days and bad but ( this may sound weird) I am actually better when he is home as I can talk to him/ask him questions ( oh my been heaps of those -well cant talk to any of my other friends) I have told him in no uncertain terms that if we do stay together should he gets those type of sexual urges then jump in the car and come home - he works away. I have been brutally honest with him in our many conversations ( and trust me not easy with kids in the house). We have both been angry at each other over different issues which we have also discussed still no excuse for what he did - poor counseller by he got to her we had basically got all the nitty and gritty stuff out of the way. So I suppose now we just move on in whatever shape or form that takes. I know that there will be a lot of healing to be undertaken. And just to make me feel better I have txted the fuckwits he has had encounters with and have basically told them ( only 2) that if my 3 month hiv results come back positive( inital ones where negative)then I will sue them both. Not too sure if that was the right way to go but made me feel good! So to all those other women out there please feel free to comment or send me a message.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): "For the men out there ... is this normal heterosexual behaviour?"
Not at all.
You probably don't know the beginning of what he has been doing for the last 20 years. More likely than not, he has been a closeted homosexual and this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as his sexual activity with men goes.
Don't have sex with him without protecting yourself. I've known to many people who got HIV.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Uh, no, what you describe isn't what I'd call normal hetersexual behaviour. I don't really know that it matters what it's called. The fact is that he cheated on you, betrayed the trust of your and your children, and potentially exposed you to STDs. That it was homosexual has nothing to do with it.
I hope your tests all come back clear.
The same-sex thing is irrelevant. He cheated. He lied. It's entirely up to you how you deal with it, but it sounds like an offense of longstanding. Your first priority is to take care of your children and yourself. People on this site wouldn't give him a second chance if it were another woman, and I can't imagine why it should be different in this circumstance.
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A
male
reader, FatTony89  +, writes (16 June 2011):
Ugh. 0_0. Not normal heterosexual stuff but maybe normal bisexual or homsexual male stuff.
Sorry. He has to be gay and just using you as a front.
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123 +, writes (16 June 2011):
 hey,
20 years of marriage and two kids later, i'm guessing divorce is the last option you want to take?
options :
1. go for counselling
2. talk to him and confront him and figure it all out, let out all lies and truths between you two
3. put him on a tight leash
4. divorce.
this is a really tough one.. he is probably bisexual, and since he is doing these things, its hard to handle
you are completely in the right for being totally gutted.
i hope you figure everything out!
good luck :)
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