A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, speaking hypothetically here. You have a male and female who are coworkers. They are friendly but not friends. They don’t hang out outside of work, but they are the ones who turn to each other with work problems and sometimes personal issues. They have a great deal of respect for one another. They female is married and the male is single but there is a degree of sexual tension between the two. The sexual tension is not addressed. The female would not cheat on her husband and the male would not pursue a married woman. The relationship is mildly flirtatious but harmless. The female does like to look nice when she is around him as he to get him to notice her. One day, the male pays the female a compliment stating he likes her coat, likes that she has a sense of style and tells her that she rocks her wardrobe. Is this a very gutsy move for the male to make to make being it could be a HR nightmare/ potential sexual harassment case? And it could even be taken as a come on which would be a no no since they the woman is married. Could this merely be a friendly innocent compliment between coworkers or would it be more? I would not think a man would compliment a woman on the way she dressed unless he was attracted to her? I would not think men would notice clothing unless it was a woman he was sexually interested in? The female tells the male she is genuinely pleased by the compliment and he states that he is glad as he was nervous to compliment her as sometimes females can take it the wrong way. Does he just feel like he can trust her to take a compliment and not run to HR? Just want everyone’s opinion on the matter. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2021): Here is my opinion, for what it’s worth.
I do not think what he said was at all improper but I would have kept my mouth shut. It was a coat and about general style. If she had been wearing a form fitting dress, the situation would be different. Are coats form fitting or sexual, they aren’t to me. It would be no more sexual than complimenting her new boring sedan.
There is a new double standard in the workplace and as a male, it is just the way it is. Anything a man says at work can be over analyzed. Hell, apparently a lot of people here find it offensive to compliment a coat and a sense of style. As a male in this new atmosphere, I am overly cautious while female coworkers can say what they want. It is not a big imposition, just something that has been noticed.
What has been described could be innocent and as far as I am concerned, it’s not an issue. However, it could be twisted to look like something evil to those looking for evil.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): If the compliment was only a compliment, he should be worried if it is taken as any indication he is attracted to her. The job is not a mingles club. It's your bread and butter!
Why do I sense all this is just your sly way of asking if a guy on your job is attracted to you?
If misconstrued as a flirtation, and it is determined not to be anything more than a compliment; then here comes that awkwardness...even resentment, if that compliment raised false-hopes. He may not be attracted to you/her at all! He could be gay, or taken, and just impressed with her/your sense of fashion. Then it would be super awkward if she/you thought he was actually interested in you/her! Now wouldn't it? In that case, I would suggest taking the compliment with grace, regard it as benign (or BS), and overrule it with professionalism.
Flirting in response might embarrass you/her; or you/she might be flirting with an on-the-job player, or a cheating scoundrel!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): The workplace is a place of business...repeat...it is a place of business! Professionalism and appropriateness is not just an option, or casual choice. People should be able to feel safe, unintimidated, and free to work unencumbered by awkwardness and behaviors unrelated to getting the job done. We punch the clock, and we are on company time. Save your compliments for your spouses, and significant others.
Your opinion of my appearance is irrelevant; unless I'm a fashion-model and you are a fashion-critic, or my appearance is directly related to the job. It is most professional and solid-judgement to keep compliments about anything but job-performance to yourself.
The problem is, you don't know what context the compliment will be taken. Too many people have "foot-in-mouth" disease; and don't know when they've crossed the line. That makes it a liability for your employer, and places your job in jeopardy. Some people are opportunists, and just waiting for a sucker to cross the line to pursue a sexual-harassment suit. Tell me, do you know who that person might be? He or she could be the most unsuspected person ever!
We don't live in the 1950's and 1960's; and behavior or speech is more unfiltered than it ever was before. People are bolder, craftier, and less respectful; and they can be pretty clever at dodging any disciplinary action for complaints when they've been out of line. Ambiguity is their tricky way of circumventing legitimate harassment complaints. The he-said/she-said defense. Thus, the victim feels helpless and dejected.
Compliments are not just compliments, they are vailed-flirtations in most instances. "Male to female" is the most contentious; because some feel self-conscious in an environment where men scrutinize female-appearance. The workplace is not the appropriate environment to be making commentary about appearance, not in the 21st-century; because the innocence it once had has been stripped by clever-players; because people don't have the sense of appropriateness and manners, which we now consider to be archaic. The employer has a right to set dress codes, and address those related-issues when they are violated. They don't have a right to insult or demean an employee regarding their appearance; and should observe protective labor laws related to such matters.
Personally, if you want to compliment me at work; put it on a performance-review where it counts, and give me a raise!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): I think you're right. I don't think a man would notice what a woman who he wasn't attracted to was wearing, let alone comment on it. It's a 'safe' way of letting you know that he notices you and what you look like in your outfits.
And clothes have a lot to do with attraction and sex. That's why the fashion industry is so enormous.
I don't think you're right though, when you mention that your flirting is harmless. It's going so far that you are now thinking about what he might like to see you dressed in. And writing for opinions on what this man might mean. As I've said, I don't see it as a meaningless compliment. Man to woman, compliments are rarely meaningless and if it has to do with the clothes that are hanging off your body, oh yes, he's testing the waters alright!
So now, yes, I think he 'trusts' that you are now open to his compliments. And he will take them further and you will show him that you won't complain because you love the attention. From him! And your flirting will escalate and don't think I'm judging you from some high ground. I'm not. Been there, done that. BUT you are ALREADY cheating on your husband. Emotionally. You're not wondering what your husband's reaction to your outfits will be, are you?
This could go bad in so many ways. Do you love your husband? Tell him you need more attention. Do you love your job? Have a good think before you continue down this road. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2021): After I got married, I stopped complimenting women's dress or looks, just in case it was taken out of context or misunderstood. Thought about it but just super careful.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 January 2021):
 Agreed, it's just a compliment. Your colleague told you he likes your style. Nothing more to read into it than that, at this point.
However, I would tone down the flirting. You may both be decent people, but you're as human as anyone else and you're leading yourself down the path of temptation. One might develop stronger feelings for the other and it would make work more uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2021):
 A compliment to how a person dress? That is not super personal. It's a compliment. Nice shoes, nice tie. Nice handbag. Oh my!
If it had been about her body - like, "I like how those leggings show off your ... legs - or ass or whatnot" - I would find that more crossing a line.
A person noticing clothing has to do with sexual attraction? Since when? For me personally, it's not about sex or sexual attraction - it's a confirmation that they notice the other person take care to dress well. Nothing more. (unless it's "tits out" kind of outfits - but again that would be more about the BODY not the clothes.) And it was a compliment about a COAT?! Since when are coats now sex ?
Yes, he was worried because OBVIOUSLY some women (you included) seems to think that a compliments MEANS more than just being a compliment, and men DO have to be careful to NOT overstep NORMAL decency lines and some women might find it offensive, or sexist or patronizing.
You are reading WAY more into this "supposed scenario" than what was meant.
If you are the married woman, grow up and pull back from the flirty business. If you are DRESSING up for a MALE coworker than it's more than something "harmless"...
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 January 2021):
 Wow! Your overthinking has made me feel tired just reading your post. It must be exhausting being inside your head.
Take a compliment gracefully. Thank the compliment giver and move on. It's just a compliment.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (13 January 2021):
 i'm not sure what kind of answer that you are trying to obtain here, Are you wanted people to say yes he fancy's you, and is attracted to you because he commented on an item of your clothing?. You clearly fancy this guy, and want to know if its reciprocated?.
Passing a compliment to a female co-worker is hardly going to be a HR, or sexual harassment case, unless terminology of a sexual nature was involved, or inappropriate gestures or touches.
Yes i think it was a friendly innocent compliment between co-workers.
You are married and would not cheat on your husband, he is single and would never persue a married woman.
Nothing is ever going to happen here, sexual tension or not in this place of work.
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