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Frank B Kermit
writes:Making Monogamy WorkBy Frank Kermit, RelationshipsMonogamy is easier than open relationships, because the rules are simpler...but the application of the rules of monogamy is not as easy.Monogamy works for monogamous people...however the power of choice and the self entitlement of our current societal structure is making it more challenging for the chances that monogamous people have, of making their relationship structure work for them.The Rules of Monogamy:1-The first rule of monogamy is that you only have sex with one other person. The first rule of monogamy is very much what most people understand monogamy to mean. It is simple to understand. Most people assume it stops there, but it does not. The second rule, is even more important, and challenging, than the first rule.2-The second rule of monogamy is that you never do anything that would even just potentially threaten rule #1. And in those two rules chaos ensues for the wannabe monogamous couple that is not sure what a real threat to their monogamy is.The chaos comes from not being sure what a potential threat is. Now an obvious threat: someone is sexually interested in being with the person that you're monogamous with, or someone is sexually interested in being with you when you're in a monogamous relationship. That's a threat. What about a potential threat? Potential threat means you don't put yourself in a situation where the likelihood of temptation already exists. The bottom line, when you're in a monogamous relationship, any time that you're out for social reasons and extra-curricular reasons with people that you are attracted to, who have already expressed a sexual interest in you, it is a potential threat to your relationship. At the very least, it's a potential threat to your monogamy.As monogamists, you must figure out how you define a potential threat. Threats to the monogamy will not always be so obvious. There are going to be times when your partner is going to come up to you and say, "Listen, I don't want you hanging out with so-and-so anymore." Their reason is, "That person threatens our monogamy." They might not word it that way, but that's essentially what they're getting to. If you believe in the principle of monogamy, you have to listen to your partner's concern, and hopefully you can come to some sort of consensus as to what the best action is to take. I cannot tell you to completely eliminate all potential threats, because at that point, neither of you will be socializing with anybody. If you're not interacting with anyone, then that cannot be emotionally healthy either. Furthermore, if you're constantly in your head about with overly paranoid thoughts about potential threats to your monogamy that simply do not exist, it will create the exact type of suspicion and behaviors that is going to have you kill your own monogamous relationship. As I teach it, you don't kill what you're trying to protect. Just as you must have realistic expectations of the relationships structure you get into, you must you have realistic perspectives on the potential threats to your monogamy. When it comes to potential threats to your monogamy, you must never be afraid to express to your partner that you see a potential threat to the monogamy of your relationship. Never be afraid to say, "That person that you're hanging out with wants to have sex with you."As monogamists, you must be ever so aware of the potential threats to your monogamy. Yes, you are going to be accused of being jealous, and yes, you are going to accused of being insecure, and yes, you might even be accused of not trusting your partner. So what? I personally feel that I would rather be accused of all those things and do what is necessary to project the monogamy of my relationship, when our intent is to be monogamous. I personally feel that a monogamist person has every right to do what it takes to protect the monogamy of their relationships. To what degree you see a potential threat is up to you. Keep in mind that no one is going to care about the importance of your monogamy in your relationship as much as you and (hopefully) your partner do.Monogamy is a work in progress, it is not a given, and can not be taken for granted One of my principles of monogamy is that Monogamy Must Be Earned. Part of the reason that monogamy must be earned is that you want to make sure you know what you want, and that you’re sure that the person you’re choosing is capable of giving it to you. A very big point here is that monogamy is a lifestyle. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that monogamy is just a relationship structure; think of it as a lifestyle because it permeates a lot of the decisions that you’re going to make. Being monogamous means that you might even make a change in the type of profession that you choose. For example, one of the reasons that some people become unfaithful, even thought they entered a monogamous relationship with the best of intentions, but down the road they become unfaithful, is because one of the people in the monogamous relationships, or both of them, are in professions where they are working anywhere form 12 to 14 hours a day apart from each other. They just don’t have the time to spend together. Over the course of year-after-year, feeling alone, being pursued, maybe feeling angry or resentful for having to work so hard to support your partner which could lead to an unhelpful sense of entitlement to having “earned the little extras” and then being faced with temptation can lead an originally well intentioned individual to justify getting something from an affair that they feel is no longer there for them at home. Both men and women are susceptible to going though this. It is not gender specific.If monogamy is very important to you, consider it a lifestyle that you have to support. That might mean choosing a different profession, maybe making less money, or making money is a different way so that your lifestyle doesn't threaten your monogamy. Frank Kermit is a relationship coach, best selling author and educator, columnist for The West End Times Newspaper and also appears regularly on 800 AM CJAD’s Passion radio program.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (6 February 2012):
Frank B Kermit is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Odds,
Thanks for commenting. You do bring up a very important point, and I do cover that topic more in depth in my CD series that this article is based on.
You can listen to the previews of the CD series and other media interviews I have done for it for free at:
http://www.franktalks.com/relationships
-Frank
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reader, Odds  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 You're correct about Rules 1 and 2, not having sex with other people (definition of monogamy) and getting rid of unnecessary temptation, but you missed a pretty major point here - have lots of high-quality, enthusiastic, monogamous sex!
A small amount of temptation becomes very, very big when you don't have a regular outlet at home. You could eliminate nine out of every ten temptations and still fail if there's nothing to go home to. Men and women come to this site all the time to complain that they're spouse/lover doesn't put out enough, or at all - or that if they do, it's grudging once-a-month missionary and oral every second birthday.
Sex matters - relationships wouldn't exist without it. Personally, it's what makes me feel most loved and intimate with someone. Infrequent or unenthusiastic sex will kill a relationship dead for me. I've never cheated, but I've walked away over that issue, and I don't regret it. But when it works out, monogamy gets its chance to shine.
It has to happen, and it has to be willing and eager. If there's nothing medically wrong, there's no excuse not to be going at it enough for both to be satisfied.
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