A
female
age
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*emima49
writes:I started a realtionship with a guy I chatted to on a dating site for 2 months. We seemed to be perfect for one another and I wasn't disappointed when we met.A month after meeting (and getting on so well)he told me something which shocked me......He lost his wife to cancer 3 years ago and confessed to me that before she became ill he had had a 16 year affair. He ended it when his wife became ill. When his wife died he and his mistress who was in a realtionship at the time started seeing one another again. I can undertand that he needed someone in his grief. He felt that he could not continue the realtionship with her or so he told me. We met 2 months after he ended it. He told me that they agreed to be friends.I said that I coundn't accept this so he said that he would tell her.He had months of e-mails, texts and letters. He told me that he did meet with her, after I said I had many concerns,to explain the realtionshipe with them was over for good and that she was causing me and himself upset.He started to show me the letters that he recieved and a couple of texts she had sent. The letters and texts indicated that he had indeed told her about me. She begs him not to cut her out of his life (the letters are very sad and a bit disturbing). He feels bad about all of this.I suspect he is still seeing her to help, although he says he is not. She has left her life time partner (I think he ended it sith her out of fear that she and him where both now single). He has treated her very badly, used her while she was in a realtionship.He says he made a terrible mistake that he would never repeat again and that I am the only one for him etc.I believe he doesn't want a realtion with her and that he wants a happy, honest, trustful relationship with me. He says the only way he would help her is financially which I said 'no' that is just continuing the problem - I can't deal with that.I don't have a problem with helping someone in need but I feel that he hides things from me. There was a message on his answering machine from her saying ' I know I'm not supposed to call but can you spare me 5 minutes' what can that mean.He looked worried one day when he realised that he left his mobile unattended (I may be just jumppy on this one). The texts from her when I'm with him have stopped and I asked him not to turn his mobile off when he was with me; he was also disconnecting the land line phone when i was there which he has stopped doing now.If he has concerns for her (she is in a bit of a state) would the best thing be to not contact her, ignore her phone calls, letters or should he help her. She has just moved into a new flat not too far from him after leaving her partner and needs help with decorating etc and emotionally she is recked.Am I being selfish and unreasonable not wanting him to have any contact?
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female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (22 March 2010):
 I would casually in another conversation bring up the discussion about lying, I would somehow get into the conversation and put in how you could deal with most things but lying you couldn't, how knowing the truth might hurt to start with but lies come out in the end and it hurts more.
See if he confesses anything after that.
A
female
reader, gemima49 +, writes (22 March 2010):
gemima49 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I have stated the postion already as you have suggested but I have a feeling that he is keeping things from me. He is open about the last contact he had with her but I feel he only does what is neccessary to eleviate my concerns. I think that you are right about the difficulty of cutting ties and I'm not sure he can do it.
I don't know how to approach the subject again as he will only tell me what he thinks I want to hear or that's what I think anyway - is that realistic fo me?
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A
female
reader, New Star 44 +, writes (22 March 2010):
You are right to be concerned. Even if he has no intentions of going back to this woman she very well might and her being around makes the chances of something starting up again a lot more possible.
Sixteen years is a very long time so their connection will be strong and it will be very difficult to just cut ties, especially if he knows that she is having a hard time in her life anyway.
I would be firm with him about my concerns- highlight the fact that you want to trust him but there was obviously something about this woman that made him stray from his wife for such a long time and that any kind of contact with any person over such a long time will create a bond that is hard to seperate. However the most important factor in a relationship is trust and at the minute you feel like you can't trust her or him when he is with her.
My advice would be to tell your partner you want to be told every time she gets in touch and that you will try not to be upset. If he can tell you this then at least you are communicating, even if it is not about things you want to hear. This also gives you the position that if it turns out he has been in touch and not told you that he is wanting to hide something; in which case you can run a mile.
If however he is honest with you at least you know where you stand and this woman holds nothing over you.
If you are feeling brave you can even offer to help her- agree that if she needs help with a new place (NEVER get involved with money though) that you and your man can help but you will help together, after all many hands make light work! If she disagrees you will know it is because she doesn't want the work done but wants time with your man. Explain all this to your man as you go so that he can see what you see.
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (22 March 2010):
I completely agree with you on this, this is someone he was sneaking behind his ex's back with for years, I would also have concerns if I was in your position.
Its also about time she stood on her own two feet instead of relying on and using him at every chance she gets, he needs to cut complete ties with her not only for your relationship or himself but for her too, this isn't healthy for anyone.
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