A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Having lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex one-on-one when you're in a relationship. Is there anything wrong with this?My boyfriend's friend broke up with his fiancee because she flipped and found out her fiance did this, and this spurred a conversation between me and my boyfriend. (Well, he and I aren't exactly bf/gf, but that's another story...we pretty much act like we are.)He says there's nothing wrong with it. I say that I'd worry too a little (being an insecure person), but as long as he was honest with her, then it should be fine. He said they also went out for drinks in a group a couple times but that's it. I mean, I would personally worry, yes. But I would just expect honesty and expect to be told if there was anything going on or if they had any feelings for the other person. And an invite out to drinks with them out of courtesy would help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2012):
 There is nothing wrong with having lunch with a member of the opposite sex who is a friend, co-worker, mentor etc. I had lunch with my ex-husband today. I told my fiancé I was doing it and he told his wife… and off we went to have a lovely lunch.
I go to lunch with male co-workers often Everyone pays for themselves unless it’s a birthday then we treat the birthday person… (sometimes we go more than one person but I’ve been known to go one on one with a co-worker)
IF I go out AFTER work hours I always make sure my partner is invited. If he’s invited and declines that’ on him and I can still go…
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Here lies the problem. Your b/f may assume it's perfectly fine to do this, which on the surface it very well could be fine. But you never know what kind of agenda his female co-worker has up her sleeve. She may act like it's platonic, while hiding a fierce attraction for him. Having lunch with her only fans the flame of her hope and makes her think she might have a chance to drive a wedge between the two of you. As he casually talks about himself and his relationship with you, she is quietly taking notes, looking for weaknesses, things he complains about, little clues that give her some leverage and insight into who he is and what she might do to win him over. Pretty soon, their lunches become more frequent or involved; drinks, out of town "meetings" etc. Since most men are rather dull about these things, they often walk blindly into a situation that causes serious damage to their romantic relationship, because they only saw these lunch dates as casual and nothing more. Men also love the attention that a female co-worker is dishing out, without realizing there's a sparring match going on under their nose. It's very hard to understand why this female co-worker tends to invite him to lunch when she knows he's with someone else. Maybe it's nothing, if so they should probably invite you to join them. Rarely do men and women have a successful friendship (when either of them is involved) that doesn't become "messy"....I'm just saying.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): It goes like this. If a partner has a problem with their other half having lunch with a colleague of the opposite sex, or having a friend of the opposite sex, it's THEIR problem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, no matter what happens in When Harry Met Sally.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 June 2012):
 A healthy strong relationship can handle this situation particularly if the lunching work colleages know the boundaries and respect the boundaries.Many work colleagues do have exactly this type of relationship. The interactions can vary from professional to almost brother/sister and then right through to flirting cousins. And yet still never step beyond these parameters.
Some people can manage a platonic work relationship for years. And never never ever consider cheating.
A relationship beset with fears of cheating and insecurity and distrust (and fear that their partner might succumb to the lunch partner) will be weakened and suspicion will grow. Although sometimes the fears of the partner are well grounded in memories of past bahaviour.
The Intention of why the lunch partner meetings start can be very instructive. Is one partner unhappy? Or just intent on trying to establish the groundwork to 'accidentally???' cheat? Because if the primary relationship is already faltering then this kind of 'friends' relationship might be the answer for a partner considering a secondary relationship. It allows the intimacy to grow. Appear accidental. 'Just happened to meet" type excuses
So most of all the state of the primary relationship is the key. If it is strong then nothing will cause any cracks to appear.
Whereas if there are already simmering problems then the primary relationship and the trust between the parties may be damaged.
Confidence is an amazing thing. Develop confidence in yourself and you have a core stability where nothing much can undermine you.
But a few earth tremors (like a cheating partner) and the trust has already been trashed. Coming back from such a set back is very very difficult (though not impossible)
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