A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:Hi there.My boyfriend has low sex drive due to a hard job, hours playing computer games and being tired. And he puts off having sex because he says he is worried about his performance and letting me down. He is 40 years old and says his sex drive hasn't been the same the last few years. We have been together a year and a half but I am away at Uni for 6 months of the year. When we started having sex it was great. He was really enthusiastic and tried different positions and we recently worked out how to give me an orgasm when I have only ever orgasmed from mastubating myself.But after about 6 months he began to be less interested in sex. I was quite hurt at first. He would just say he was too tired. He was very put off by the fact I couldnt orgasm with him. Now when I come back from Uni, he'll want to have sex straight away then thats it for a week. I usually have to get upset about not having sex before he initiates it with me. I dont initiate it often because it makes him angry when he's tired. I feels like torture because I love him and fancy him so much. I think because we don't see each other for a couple of months that he would want to and that we should make up for lost time so to speak. But he's still quite happy to only have sex once a week. Only when he's in the mood. We went 2 weeks nearly without sex because I had my period. He asked if I'd stopped and I said yes but it was still another 3 days before we had sex and I had to bring the subject up. He thinks I'm being petty. He doesn't understand how important my sex life is to me. It is an expresssion of my feelings for him. Whereas he can take it or leave it and sees it as a chore, although he enjoys it when we do have it. He just avoids it as long as he can.I've told him a load of stuff when I was drunk about how I hope we'll have sex when we go to bed we'll be affectionate and cuddle and I just hope that tonight he'll want to have sex, then he'll say he wants to go to sleep and roll over and I'll feel so dissapointed. I said how I count the nights we dont have sex sometimes and I think it must be the night tonight and it gets close to a week and I get so upset about it. I could see he thought I was an idiot and petty and sex obsessed.He gets angry when I try to initiate anything sexual. Even if I try to passionatly kiss him in bed, or touch his balls in jest he'll say noo I'm too tired :( Even if I'm not trying to initiate sex. Sometimes I just want to mess around.He is very affectionate though.We have spoken about this. He says he just doesnt want it as much as I do. He said even if he was with Pamela Anderson(his fav celeb) he would still only want it once a week or longer. He says he just doesn't want as much sex in long term relationships, he preferrs the companionship and affectionate side.The thing is I'm 24. I've always thought that in a long term relationship the sex should get better and better as you know, trust and love each other more. I always thought you should be able to explore each others sexuality and try new things. But in this and my last LTR my bf only wnats it once a week, nothing more. Is it something I'm doing? Is it because I have a high sex drive that scares the guy? This is breaking my heart because I love the rest of our relationship and I care for him an unbelievable amount and I know he wants b=to be with me a long time. He said he thinks we can work through anything and wants me to move in with him after Uni. But I cant have a sexless relationship. I think that's just sad :( Maybe I'm making it owrse in my head than it is? Is it normal for a LTR to only want to have sex every 1 or 2 weeks when your a 40 year old man?Please help :)
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female
reader, prettygirl22  +, writes (25 June 2011):
Hello Girls,
So I see that this post is over a year old and I hope that you guys are doing better with your situation. Mine on the other hand is exactly the same as how you both decribed.
I am 24 years old and I am dating a 41 year old, when we first satarted dating everything was amazing we had plenty of time to be intimate. It is not like we got together had a family and got really busy. we both had children before and combined 2 families. but he still desired me every single night. We have no bills we both work I amgoing to school and our stress levels are reletively low. So after days of not makinglove to him, he has a day where all day he will be touchy feely and affectionate and seem like when we go to bed ( because we have kids and cant just do it whenever) then he will want to make love to me then.... 99% of the time thats not the case. we get into bed and I rub him and his stomache and his back and he lays there motion less and after 20 minutes of doing that without him moving or even being affected by it, I roll over and depending on wether it is a quick annoid rall over or a well now im upset roll over I either get a kiss on the shoulder and a goodnight, or I get well i was enjoying that.... Oh really seemed like it... and talking t him about it is kinda pointless.
I feel like a sex addict and really sex isnt that important to me... Just hurts that 90% of the time he never wants to...
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (10 February 2010):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey.
Don't worry about rambling, I totally ramble on. I just start typing and I've written an essay before I notice!
I know what you mean about communication and it being pity sex, or making him do it out of obligation. I feel like this which is why I bite my toungue as long as I can. It is only when I get so upset about it that I get huffy and cold with him that he persuades me to tell him what I'm upset about. Usually he guesses, he says you're horny aren't you? We usually have a little argument over it and he says he'll have sex with me the next day, which totally destroys the whole mystery aqnd spontinaity of the scenario! Sometimes when I have been really upset and have managed to voice some of my true hurt feelings about this he has made an effort to initiate sex afterwards. He has said he's not a mind reader and just needs a kick up the backside to initiate sex, because he gets used to being on his own and due to his low drive for sex he just doesn't think about it. He says he knows he should make more of an effort but its easier to put it off and just play games late into the night by which time he's too tired for anything.
What you described in the last paragraph sounds identical to what happens in my relationship. We'll have sex, it'll be great, he'll say how much he loves having sex with me and something like he loves having sex once he gets into it, just not the thought of it or he cant be bothered. But basically its usually good, we both enjoy it. Then I'll feel great for a couple of days and then I'll start getting horny again. I could pretty much take sex anytime, but I feel the need about every other day. But basically when it starts getting close to a week I'm at my wits end and he does what you described, and does anything to avoid coming to bed. He'll play games till late. When he comes off the comp early he'll watch tv or read then just when we're cuddling up and I think tonight could be the night he rolls over. Man it's so frustrating! I feel like I'm going nuts sometimes.
It really shouldn't be so much of an issue because we have such a great relationship otherwise!
I dont know. It would be interesting to hear from a guy who acts like this, why he does it. It feels like he has all the power in our sex life because if he's not in the mood, we dont have sex, whereas I'd never turn him down even if I'm not really in the mood because I wont know when the next chance will be! So basically we only have sex on his terms, which is sad really.
Arg.
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A
female
reader, songlover +, writes (9 February 2010):
Dear BettyBoup,
I am so glad that I found this website and that I made this contact with you. It is somehow comforting to know that there is someone else out there that knows exactly how I am feeling.
Communication. Yes, I know it's best. But in this case I just don't see how it would help. In fact, doesn't it make it worse? I mean, yes, I can tell him how I feel so unwanted, undesired because he is so disinterested in sex with me. He would more than likely tell me that he loves me and finds me sexy, attractive etc... But then he would just feel pressure to perform!! Sex would not be spontaneous, coming from desire for me. It would then be out of duty and obligation. Ouch. He would feel pressured and I would feel ten times worse knowing that the sex was 'pity' sex or 'guilty' sex.
I don't know. I don't the answer. All I know is that I love him. Besides this issue we have a very loving and affectionate relationship. Most of the time I can let it go. But when it hurts, it really hurts. Last night was especially bad. We had had sex last Monday, and it was good. By Sunday, 6 days later, I had gotten the nerve to ask to fool around that night. He did everything he could to avoid sex with me that night and it was so so painfully obvious. The whole night long was hell over the utter and blatant rejection. Then the following night, as if it weren't bad enough, he did it again. I am now away for two days. When I get back it will have been 10 days since...
Sorry for the rambling. I have nobody to talk with about this.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (9 February 2010):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAw thank you anonymous person. I know exactly how you feel. That is the sort of behaviour my boyfriend has. He'll stay up all night playing games so when he comes to bed he just wants to sleep because he's so tired.
I sometimes wonder if he's just not that into me sexually. He's assured me this is not the case. But I think actions speak louder than words and his lack of interest in me as a sexual person shows that he doesn't find me sexy as I do him.
He does make an effort when I get really upset about it, but it just feels like its not real. Like he only does it to keep me happy, not because he is attracted to me sexually. Which is not what I want.
I wonder if he doesn't find me sexually desirable, then why stay with me? I know relationships are more than sex but it is a big part of it and if it's missing or half hearted than its not a full relationship. It feels like we're just roommates.
I know people have different sex drives in life and as he is 16 years older he has been and done a lot sexually and with age perhaps his desire for sex has faded. This breaks my heart because I do really care for him. When he talks about sexual things he's done with women in the past, like having sex up the stairs and outdoors, I just cringe with jealousy. I think, if you were into stuff then with other women, why is it so different with me now? It's so painful.
I like you cry myself to sleep sometimes. I get so frustrated I want to get up and sleep on the sofa.
The problem is I couldn't leave him because I do love him. He used to be really into me sexually so I mourn that relationship we had.
I think that communication is key here for us. I have found he will make a huge effort after I have spoken about how I feel. I guess relationships have to be worked at after a certain point. Perhaps its naive to think that things will always be great with someone when you had an amazing start to the relationship. I know for me I find it very hard to express my feelings when I'm not happy about something because I dont want to rock the boat or hurt them. But I think honesty is the best policy. Maybe try to wait for the best time to bring this up.
Sorry for rambling on! It feels good to get this off my cheast, because its not something I can talk openly about to anyone I know.
Hope this helps you too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Oh god my heart goes out to you! I am in a similar situation except that I never dare bring it up and so my BF doesn't get mad. The other day I came on to him kiddinfly in the hall as I was getting ready to leave for the day. I 'boldy' teased that we should "fool around" later that night since we hadn't in days and he seemed sincerely on board with the idea. But that night he did EVERYTHING possible to avoid going to bed. I ended up going to sleep by myself, crying quietly. It can be so very painful. And I, like you, love this man with all my heart. I wish I had an answer for both of us. I just wanted you to know that you were not alone.
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A
female
reader, ritaeffigy +, writes (7 February 2010):
That's frustrating. Especially since you've talked and he's refused.
Slip him some aphrodisiacs? Oysters?
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