A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My wife and I have been together for over 37 years. We have a contentious relationship, but used to have a great sex life. In the last 10 years it has been decreasing steadily to a frequency of once per month if I lobby hard. She typically says she's not in the mood,is too tired, or won't be able to climax (since menopause, she needs a toy to orgasm which we use together; if we play, we ensure both of us climax). Okay. We age, change, etc. But I know that when I'm out of town, she masturbates with the toy at least nightly, so 5 times per week. Once it was 5 times when I was gone for 1 evening! So obviously, she's still horny...just not horny for me. She doesn't pay attention to our home energy management systems, but outlet usage and power consumption meter make it undeniably true, yet she lies to me if I ask if she "took care of business" while I was away. And she claims she never, ever lies. What's the deal?!?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2021): It seems you can't see beyond the fact that you have a contentious relationship. Sex is not just an act of pleasure; it is also an expression of love and affection.
The modern-age has trivialized and downplayed the meaning or significance of marriage as an institution; and has made meaningless casual-sex the norm. I can see how you're single-minded about sex; but not sensitive or tuned to the more emotional-side of your relationship. Your technical adeptness and knowledge is quite impressive. How are you at expressing your affection other than sexually?
If your wife wants to pleasure herself, it is strictly for the physical pleasure. To say your relationship is contentious conveys the perception there are emotional issues that cause discord and estrangement. If you don't feel affectionate towards your partner; it follows that attraction and emotional-cohesion within the relationship will fade. Thus you don't crave the touch or feel of your partner.
If she's not feeling you, she's not wanting you. If she has lost all affection; the sex doesn't touch her in an emotional-way. Hence, she derives no physical-pleasure enhanced by having a healthy connection with you intellectually, or within the depth of her soul.
You can have sex with an anonymous stranger. You make love to a person you share an emotional bond with. You enhance pleasure and affection in your mate through kindness, understanding, loyalty, respect, trustworthiness, and offering spontaneous affection apart from just the act of sex. You reach deeper into their psyche when they know love is there.
Masturbation is just a physical act of pleasuring yourself. Making love requires the joining of two people who actual love each-other and need each-other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2021): Dude you really need therapy.I say this because you are the one pushing your wife away.Everyone here can see it but you do not.Seriously get help today.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2021): NO wonder she doesn't want to f8ck you if you have a "contentious relationship". For me at least wanting to have sex with a long time partner has very little to do with how horny I am but how good the relationship is. The foreplay starts with a good morning, tenderness, kindness, sending messages, cuddling, sharing laughs, doing things for one another ( and I don't mean oral, I mean doing nice things outside of the bedroom). She clearly hasn't lost her sex drive she just doesnt want to have sex with you...
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (27 June 2021):
Actually I’ve just noticed that you described your relationship as ‘contentious’ but despite that your sex life was always good. I’d suggest that might be somewhere to start. Women normally need a deeper connection to have sex anyway, but even if that never used to apply to your wife, the menopause will have lowered her natural sex drive to the point that all she is left with is a marriage she doesn’t feel happy in. Maybe if you can get your relationship to a better place in general she might feel more inclined to make more of an effort sexually?
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (27 June 2021):
Personally, if my husband was such a crazy micromanager that he checked the ENERGY METERS in our house in an attempt to calculate the exact number of times I used my sex toys, I’d probably plug them in all night every night just to wind him up! But maybe that’s just me…
Seriously though, do you realise what you sound like OP?! Whether or not your wife pleasures herself when you’re not around IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS! At all! So the first part of my advice is to drop this line of enquiry entirely.
Now, your actual issue is that you are not satisfied with your sex life. That is something you can and should discuss with her to see if you can find a way to have more frequent sex. I’d also suggest looking at your approach. You describe your sex life as something you get once a month if you ‘lobby hard’. That sounds like you basically pester her until she gives in. I’m sure this is where you will go on to argue that if you didn’t pester her, you’d never get any sex at all. Which may be true, and that does suck, but giving your wife an aversion to sex because you make her have it when she doesn’t want to sucks too. And will probably mean that any remaining sex drive she does have will not involve you as she will associate you with coercion and pressure.
I know this advice probably seems very unfair, and I do sympathise with the partner with the lower sex drive in these situations, but the fact of the matter is you cannot force someone to have sex they don’t want to have. Your only options are to have an honest conversation with your wife (with no blame) and find out if she has any genuine interest in increasing the frequency of your sexual encounters. And if she doesn’t, then you need to decide whether you can live with that or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2021): Thanks, Kenny. I'm an electrical engineer and a master-rank electrician using 94.1% solar+wind to power the house. This question is not about whether I know for sure that the device is used and at which outlet it is being used. I have very elegant monitoring and optimization software and have detailed amperage signatures for anything we plug in.
Now that you understand that I do know exactly what's being used when and where, I would be interested if you perspective is any different.
OP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2021): She has battery operated toys, but you can tell by her home energy consumption while you are away that she's using it? Have you always been this much of a micromanager in your marriage? That might be what has killed her sexual attraction. Women get tired of this kind of behavior after a while. John Gottman writes some good books on maintaining a happy marriage, and perhaps learning some loving skills might help your marriage. Maybe while you are away, you can read them and learn some good husbanding skills, and stop micromanaging her life just a bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2021): Are you telling us that your home energia management system is so sophisticated that it actually can detect if a sex toy has been plugged in as opposed to ,say, a flatiron?What if your wife plugged in a blender to make herself a milkshake ?or an electric razor to shave her legs?...there are lots of items in a house ,beyond sex toys , which can increase your power consumption.
I also don't think anyway that you should grill her about her masturbation habits.For many people masturbation is something very private and petsonal,and they do not want to be forced to share details about it.If you keep asking such invasive, inappropriate, indelicate questions...then do not be surprised that the answers you get may be not necessarily transparent.
But suppose that your guess is right and your wife is indeed taking care of herself often, ..yet not very often eager to have sex with you.I think the key is in your contentious relationship.When you are a younger woman the call of nature and the pull of hormones is stronger than after menopause. Reason for which you may be mad at your partner,or disappointed by him, or upset by his behaviour...and yet lust and physical need are powerful,and you find yourself having sex with a man who does not appreciates you or understands you or anyway does not give you what you want in terms of relationship.After menopause- not so much.You still are a sexual being witn physical needs of course- but the urge is less primal,less unsophisticated
...choosier,in a way.And if the choice is between having sex with a contentious partner in a not very happy relationship, or to make love to yourself...I can see how in severamente cases tbe 2nd option may look the more appealing one.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 June 2021):
 When you ask her if she took care of business while you were away, assuming you mean in a sexual way, and she tells you never, how do you come to the conclusion that she masturbates with a toy nightly, 5 times a week?.
Surely you can't tell this by looking at an outlet usage, and power consumption, other things you do around the house must contribute to this, like hoovering for instance.
You have been together long enough now, so maybe i think that communication is the key here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2021): Buna, hi from Romania. Sorry for english if bad. I hate to break it onto you, but she's just not into YOU anymore. She's still horny like a goat, but not
for you. Have you gotten change over many years? Fat? Mean? Lazy? Maybe good news is she is taking it on with her toys, not new boys? Good luck. A lady should gives opinion too.
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