A
female
age
41-50,
*razy0115
writes:I starting having an affair with a man since 2006. We both are married and I lived a distance from him so I wasnt worried to get attached. Well I thought it would be just a short period this would last. We were together for almost 5 years. He was a friend and a lover. I would call him my second husband without the papers. I knew it would end eventually, but I never thought I would feel this much pain. Its been 3 months and not a peep out of him. He said he loved me but where is he now? I know the pain would get easy but im not there yet. I lost my best friend.
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affair, best friend, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 This was a married man and you both knew you weren't going to divorce your partners. You should have had a limit to which you wanted to fall for him. Sounds like you fell in love with him and now that the inevitable has happened, you're hurting badly. He should have 'broken' up with you but he didn't so now you have to pick up the pieces. You are with an abusive husband, have lost a son to an accident - surly life couldn't hit you with anything worse.... then this happened. You got through those, you can get through this. Don't call him, look deep down within you. You're stronger than you know. Devote time to your son and your work. You will pull through.
A
female
reader, crazy0115 +, writes (1 November 2011):
crazy0115 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Little Bunny- I have not tired to call him or work or his cell. They have have caller ID. Me calling him first would make me look like Im needy. Yea I am but he doesnt need to see it. This is just something miner in my life. I know there is alot that I have to work on encluding my marriage. I have tried to get a divorce but I saw what was doing to my son that why I have chosen a differnt path for right now.
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A
female
reader, crazy0115 +, writes (1 November 2011):
crazy0115 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband isnt my best friend he married me to change status. He need someone to be a permanent worker and he got one. I stay with him because of my son. I try to leave but its so hard to walk out when my son is the only one who will get mostly affected by it.
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A
female
reader, crazy0115 +, writes (1 November 2011):
crazy0115 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst my marriage has been over along time ago. When my husband is beating me cause my mother in law tells him too. I have stayed with him because at that time im boys were very young plus my young son had a medical condition. Well that all changed when my son was killed in an accident but "loveGirl" you would not know how its is till you walked in my shoes. This other person did come into my life afterwards but he was someone who was there to listen. I would cry in bed after lossing my son and he would turn around like nothing. So yea it hurts because he was someone who listen to me cry and was there for my ups and down. He didnt break up with me I did. I know it was wrong. As much as I love him I wont contact him. I justed need to pour out my feelings because yesterday was a bad day for me. Thanks
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A
female
reader, Little Bunny +, writes (1 November 2011):
I can't tell if you have tried to contact him. If you have left messages and he has not responded, it is likely he has decided to repair his marriage and doesn't want to be tempted away from that. It is a smart move on his part.When friends turn into lovers, it turns into an all or nothing situation. You both either leave your marriages and be with each other or you cease having any contact again. I understand your loss - I have been there. Truth is, if he truly loved you, he would be with you - plain and simple. He has chosen his wife and you need to work on a new life without him in it. You need to decide if you want to be married to your husband - if not, you need to do the right thing and ask for a divorce. Who knows, that may be the wake up call your marriage needs for both of you to want to repair things together. Find a man that puts you first - someone you don't need to share. You can find love again.First, forgive yourself then move on with your life.Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): Where is he now? He is with his wife and family, doing the only honourable thing possible: cutting off total communication with u.
The maths are simple enough: he is married. U are married as well. Enough said.
Instead of moping around either decide to get your act together and work on your marriage or divorce your hb and release him to go out and find a woman who will not betray him.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): You cheated your husband for 5 years, and also risked splitting another family. Some would be right in directing their sympathy to someone closer to you who you have no care for. Just imagine if you had lost both. You should now eat your just desert with your first husband.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 November 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry that you are in pain right now, but you knew this wouldn't last. I guess your friend/lovers couldn't handle the guilt anymore, and decided to be faithful to his wife, and work on his marriage. It would've been better if he officially end with you by communicating, instead of just ignoring you, and disappear, because 5 years is a very long time. I am assuming he decided to end this way to avoid further confrotation, and further pain.
I know it's difficult, but for your own sanity, try to do the same thing. Do not contact him anymore, and just move on with your life. I know it's hurtful to accept the truth, but you have to be strong now, because you have no choice. Concentrate in your life, husband, family, and do not think of him anymore. You need to do what's best for you...
Good luck
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 it will get easier but only when you accept it is over and stop referring to him as 'best friend' - isn't your husband your best friend? your marriage must be very lacking in something if you needed to have a five year affair in the first place. you need to either sort the issues out or leave the marriage. i have heard that it takes one month for every year you were with the person to get over them. now this cannot surely be an exact science but it may be used as some sort of guideline. you don't tell us the circumstances of your break up with your boyfriend, but the fact is is that he has chosen his wife over continuing an affair with you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): Can you contact him to, at least, sign off on your relationship? It will be easier to get some closure. The not knowing can make you over-think the ending and it will drive you mad. Maybe the affair had run it's course. Somehow you need to draw a line and then move on. Contacting him may make you feel you are losing your dignity, so weigh it up. Some may be critical as you are married but this is not an uncommon issue and a broken heart is a broken heart either way.
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