A
female
age
41-50,
*esse34
writes:Am I just convenient?I have been dating a man for just over three months. He is 36, I am 34. At first everything seemed brilliant - he was attentive, complimentary and in constant contact. We were seeing each other for about two months before we had sex. The sex is good, he is generous and it swings between passionate and tender. I met his mum a few weeks ago (after we began a sexual relationship, and at his request), and he has introduced me to his friends on various nights out - not as his "girlfriend" but happy to display affection, handholding etc. The thing is, since things became sexual, it almost feels as though he doesn't have to make any effort with me - he rarely texts/calls me off his own back and even replies to my texts are delayed/scanty. If I want to see him, I make contact to arrange it. I go to see him. If I go to his house I bring my own food (he made me dinner once before the relationship became sexual but hasn't since. (That sounds a bit bonkers, but if I don't bring something to cook, I don't get offered anything to eat.) I don't make a big deal out if it, offering to cook for us both - usually something like "do you want me to bring/cook something/get a takeaway?" {reply: "whatever u like"}Whilst I am reassured by meeting his mum (quite a big deal, I think), I wonder (on bad days) if he was over-enthusiastic (according to a mutual friend, he's never really been in a relationship before). I know he's very busy and stressed about work at the moment - he has told me this (but so am I), but I don't know how to say I would like a little attention that isn't instigated by me. I don't know if I am even right to ask this. I am currently being very understanding and compliant and sympathetic about all the stress and family problems (few of them) {that sounds soooo calculating, but it isn't} but am wondering if I am just coming off as a door-mat - there for sex and food and comfort and listening but on his terms/only when it is convenient for him. I am considering not arranging anything to meet to see how long it takes for the idea of me to occur to him. Any thoughts please. Am I being over-sensitive? Too demanding? Reasonable/unreasonable?
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (3 November 2011):
 hmm, a few things to think about... while you do not need to know the 100% truth of his past sexual partners, you really need to have at least an inkling as to whether he is horn-dog player man-slut or not. i wouldn't worry too much about 'how to get a woman into bed' manuals - MOST blokes want to get women into bed, that's just normal. i definitely echo the past comments though - stop being a pushover if you don't want to be treated like one. take a bit of the control back, if he does not like it, then at least you will know that he was only in it for the easy ride
x
A
female
reader, Jesse34 +, writes (1 November 2011):
Jesse34 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies, insight and time, ladies!
"Rowing the relationship boat" - very good analogy.
Previous sexual history - not sure - there are a couple of things that worry me:
1. He has an A4 collage of B&W photos in a clipframe (scanned ?off an email/a website/someone's FB page) of a topless woman in his bedroom. Very beautiful - can't work out if it's a model/centrespread or an ex-girlfriend (nothing full-frontal/quite tasteful - so could be a personal photoshops type thing). Haven't asked, because a) don't want to come off as a bunny-boiler and b) might not like the answer. (If she's an ex, then he isn't over her or he wouldn't still have it)
2. I found a few "How to get women into bed" type books. (All in a drawer under the bed) - not worrying in itself (I have a few "men are from mars type books", but wonder now if I'm a project that went too far? (Not snooping, was l
3. In the
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 You are not being unreasonable. WE all need to know that the relationship we are in goes both ways.
I would stop going over there for sex (oh sorry too tired for sex)
I would stop bringing food. (oh so sorry ate before I got here)
I would stop being available at his beck and call...
I would in essence stop rowing the relationship boat and see if it keeps moving forward or not.
IF he calls and asks what's up... you can tell him.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (1 November 2011):
you are not being unreasonable. it sounds as if in the early pursuing/chasing stage he made it number one priority to impress and woo you. now you have given up the 'the goods' he does not have to do the chasing anymore. and as you have grown more attached to him (as we women often do after sex) you are the one chasing him.
yes, i think you are being too convenient for him, even to the point of taking your own food to his place. that is fine and only fair, sometimes as you don't want to seem like a sponger but EVERYTIME or you eat nothing?? that is not right.
if i were you i would be seriously asking why at age 36 has he never had a relationship before. what is his sexual history? one night stands? FWBs, a series of meaningless flings?
i think you need to back off, i know this is hard! but is the only way you are gonna know if you mean anything to him. get your life back, have other things to do so you are not always available to him. if he is interested in keeping you he will have to become more attentive and considerate
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): No I dont think your being over-sensitive at all, lucky man is what I think.
Its no wonder he hasnt had a long relationship before , he does the wooing and chasing then once he has em, he sits back thinking 'job-done'!Does his mum spoil him I wonder...
Your right to leave it to him to initiate things,your an equal partner and he should continue working to keep it together, you certainly are. Think you will have to explain your lack of action though so he gets whats going on and why your fed up.He will probably make the effort just to keep you
Good luck x
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