A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My lover cannot live with me just yet because he still wants to live with his children who are 21 and 19.....He said they still need him .... He doesn’t love his wife... they share no interests as a couple, just stayed married for their kids sake... He said he would miss them if he left and he wants me to wait until he sorts his life out. He is very close to his children so I can understand his situation but am I wasting my time? Been with him a good few years now. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (30 October 2018):
We call that “Eating one’s cake and having it.” He gets no strings sex from you and keeps his wife and family. And all he has to do is tell you a few lies straight from the cheaters handbook.
You know he’s lying. You know he’s never going to leave his wife; unless she catches on and kicks him out. And you know you’re not going to end things with him. Your last sentence says it all.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (29 October 2018):
 That translates to:
‘I’m not going to leave my family for you but I will stick around for the no strings attached sex’.
Why would he need years to sort himself outfits he truly wanted to be with you? Surely he wouldn’t be able to wait to leave his wife if he found a better option? Especially if he doesn’t leave her.
He’s talking bullshit, he will never leave his family for you, move on and let this be a lesson not to go for married men. Have some respect for the families involved, don’t be a home wrecker.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (29 October 2018):
 I think thats an excuse, more like he wants his cake and eat it too. The security of the nest. Of course he is and will always be their dad but they are young adults so he can be there, that does not change because of where he lives. Personally I think your wasting your time. A year is long enough to have made changes in his life to accomodate his relationship with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): No judgment. Love is love. But you have to decide if loving him means remaining in the position of mistress forever. Can you handle this? Will you ultimately be happy this way? Chances are he won't leave his family, no matter how much he cares about you. So, you'll have to decide if love means accepting him as he is (baggage and all) or if love isn't enough and move on to find someone who can love only you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2018):
 Amen to what Auntie BimBim said,
There will ALWAYS be an excuse as to WHY he can't be with you.
And since you have stayed with the carrot of him being yours one day, for so long... he knows that he can go from "excuse" to "excuse" and you will still stick around.
Of course you are wasting your time. You have been wasting your time from the MOMENT you decide to be in an affair with a married man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2018): Why would you even stay with him side chick? That is what you are and always will be.If some magic happens and he does leave his wife and marries you you know he will get another side chick don't you?I really want to call you a homewrecker but alas that would be to kind.Do yourself and his family a favor will you?Stop dating married unavailable men.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 October 2018):
 You’re not only wasting your time now, you’ve been wasting it ever since the affair started. He’s married, living with his wife and probably having more intimate moments with her than you think. He’s not staying for the ADULTS; he’s staying because he’s selfishly getting you and his wife. Why would he choose you when he has been keeping both?He’s over 40. He’s had years during your affair to sort his life out. His ADULT children don’t NEED him to live with them and he can see them frequently, if he doesn’t live with them. He is USING them as an excuse. You know this, OP - it’s just whether you’ll admit it to yourself and cut him off permanently, or wake up in a few years time and realise you’ve wasted even more of your life, when you could have been happy with someone who only wanted you.For what it’s worth, even if he does miraculously leave his wife, he shouldn’t move in with you. Don’t let him sponge off of your naivety and desperation for him to be with you. You also wouldn’t be able to trust him and his kids will probably never like you because they’ll likely find out you were the other woman who disrespected their mum for so many years.OP, cheating always gets me. The lack of morals, except when the mistress/mister didn’t know the person was married and left when they found out. The desperation that leads you to take scraps and waste years of your life on lies. The cruel disrespect towards their innocent spouse and family. The irrational belief that you’d be able to trust them not to cheat on you, if they ever left their spouse. The willingness to believe lies and excuses you’d never believe from anyone else.Don’t get me wrong; he’s absolutely to blame, but so are you. Not only that, but you know deep down that if it wasn’t you on the side, it would be someone else.Time to cut contact with him permanently, no explanations to him, or resign yourself to wasting more of your life on being the mistress for a man who was never yours, who you could never trust. Hopefully his wife will find out and leave him because she deserves better. Karma comes around, OP.If you do decide to do the right thing, both for yourself and his innocent family, you’ll leave him and stay single for 6+ months to do some spiritual atonement - through volunteering, working on yourself and realising why you only deserve better when you behave better, allowing yourself to move on from this affair and eventually find a healthy relationship with a SINGLE man.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 October 2018):
 Honestly? I think you KNOW the answer. At 21 and 19, his children may still be his children but they are actually adults. Unless they have severe health/emotional problems, he really does not need to be there for them on an every day basis. Just because he moves out does not mean he needs to lose contact. He can still speak to them every day and see them regularly and even be there for them if needed.
In your shoes, I would give him a deadline to leave - say 6 months - and stick to it. I strongly suspect he will stay with his wife (and children). You then have to decide whether you want to be the permanent other woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 October 2018):
 You are wasting your time. They will leave home but there will be little hiccups in their lives he will need to be there for, and then will come the
engagements
weddings
grandchildren
first birthdays
first Easters
first Christmases
first day at school
family holidays
sports days
school plays
and you will sit at home on your tod for all of them.
If he was going to leave he would have done so already, for your own sake give him the flick and build yourself a life with meaning, without him in it.
...............................
|
