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anonymous
writes: My teacher is at the front of the class chit chatting about some stupid project scores. I lost her about 3 minutes into class. My attention is focused on something else-someone else. As I get lost in the gold X's and the sparkle of the diamonds fastened around my wrist, I remember back to October. A time when I was happy. A time when life was "perfect." October was when Blake and I got together. We'd been dating for 2 months. No, thats not very long, and i wanted it to last longer but it didn't matter because we loved each other and everything seemed "perfect." We'd spend all the time we could with each other. After all, we'd been friends awhile before dating. If neither of us had something planned, we'd lay on his bed and watch movies, wrapped in each others arms for hours.Then it'd be time for me to leave to go home. Good-Byes were always long. We never wanted to let go.Until he had mentioned meeting this girl, named Elisha. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal, but it is when you love someone as much as i loved him. All i could say is "meet her if you want", But i honestly felt left down and i had a feeling he'd start likeing her sooner or later. But he assured me he wouldn't.Until Thanksgiving break came around. His birthday was coming up on November 22. So we'd both had plans for that week. He went to his real moms house in Monroe, and I went to stay a few nights with my friends. Then same as always I came home on Tuesday November 23, and Blake had called. and we talked shortly, then i noticed a girl in the back ground. So i said "who is that girl?" He said "nobody".So i said "where are you at?" he replied "At Elisha's house." Then he said "its over" and started dating her. (like i thought he would.)We soon began fighting, which was very out of the ordinary for Blake and me. We had always gotten along so well.He started pushing me away when i tried to reconcile, saying things like "people change. Feelings change." I had never been so hurt in my life. What had i done wrong? I had given him all of me, and thought he loved me too. I felt as though the past 2 months had been nothing but lies. I pored over his e-mails, and cried about the memories that remained in my broken heart. My face stung with tears when i thought of those horrible words from the day he decided to move on. So we finally started talking a little. He would tell me about his new girlfriend, how things are going, and that he likes his girlfriend alot. So i figured he hated me! He never called anymore, never e-mailed me back, and everytime we talked we'd fight about something. I wanted nothing more than to just cry myself to sleep and never wakeup. And then i started having heart problems from been to worried about stuff and from being stressed. Which some people have so much pain in their life that they just want to die. and honestly only one person can change all that. And for awhile Blake had changed that feeling, but now hes with someone else.So he left a perfect relationship for her. Which is fine if hes happy, but now i wish i was happy too and i'm not. And hes always told me "no matter what i want you to be happy." and the only thing that would make me happy these days-is to be with him. It even got to the point that i'd never sleep at night,unless i cried myself to sleep. Or think about it all 24/7 cause i felt like it was all my fault, somehow or another. And now i dont know what to do! But if i could go back, i would! And i wish he'd take me back so bad! But i've already waited and waited and i guess my time isn't coming around anytime soon.I remember I used to be bad about not eating, cutting myself, and popping pills, and i did most of it because i felt like our relationship was ending that or cause of family issues, and i couldn't stand the thought of losing him. and i figured if that was gonna happen, i wanted to die before it did, so that i wouldn't be going through all the pain that i am now. But one day i'll get over it knowing that the first guy i really loved, and the guy that changed my life, was now gone. But i've still got memories that will last a life time. Like the day i wanted to go walking but he didn't, But he went anyway..it was cold and very dark..and we'd walk in the woods and i remember asking "do you think were a good couple?" he said "yes, perfect, and i love you." then we'd just stand in the dark holding each other in our arms. I couldn't have wished for more, But i do. I wish to have him back one more time, and kiss him, and let him hold me, and hear him whisper those three precious words in my ear-one more time. and let it last till i die.I was so lost. In front of me was a friend, my first true love, and i was losing it all. He didn't understand what he mean't to me, and how he made me feel. So who was i supposed to go to? My friends weren't really there because i had lost touch with them. He was the one i always went to with my problems. Now i faced the biggest one yet alone::broken heart. And i had no one to turn to. I had given myself to him, and he had taken the most important thing away from me::him- and gave it to another girl.I ask dad if i can go outside. Of course, he lets me. I sit on a bench and stare at the trees. My cheeks become stained with tears. I think about it all over again. What would I be if i had never gone through this? I would have missed an opportunity to love and be loved. Where would I be if I had never met him? Would i still be that same ol' shy girl with zero confidence?. I dont know. I'm also glad i dont know.Blake and I are still really good friends. Papers are filled saying "i love blake" and "i miss him"...I still get teary-eyed when a song he used to sing comes on, Or when i think about the good memories that remain inside me, and most of all i try to understand that "people change, and feelings change." but i still love him, and i wish i could go back and kiss him one more time. *~dedikated~*
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, LB, writes (6 March 2005): Hey, I loved someone like that. I was about 19 at the time, and everything we did together was incandescent. I felt that he understood everything about me, and I knew with all of my being that we were supposed to be together. We also only dated for about 2 months, and then he left. I still don't know why, at the time he didn't give me any real answer. I cried all of the time, and I felt like something was broken inside of me that would never really be the same again. And to tell you the truth it wasn't quite the same again, but it wasn't bad forever. I am 28 now, and I can still remember how absolutely exhilarated I was to be around him. But things did change. You don't forget people, but they fade in time and become part of your past. Not in the way that people say, "oh, don't worry time will fix it", but they just become part of the subtle make-up of your psyche. In fact despite the absolute adoration that I held this guy in, I began to see things about him that wouldn't have suited us in the long run. I even met someone just as intoxicating and a bit difficult later, and we were together for 4 years. Am I with him? No, now I am with someone else entirely, and I find that my emotions with their wild swings between utter joy and sadness have evened out. Life is not like a book or a movie, it doesn't have an easy to understand plot, with a happy outcome with the perfect person, it just goes on its way and we get pulled with it.To tell you the truth, what helped most was not seeing the guy, and meeting someone else. That someone else did not replace A in my feelings but he did remind me to keep on moving foreward. I have friends that say they have never had that kind of heart stopping perfect bliss feeling for someone, and even though those feelings rarely seem to work out at least you were able to experience something like that. Good luck, hope you don't mind the advice (as it were) you just reminded me of me.
A reader, ESHA, writes (28 January 2005): You really have to try to get over this guy! What you had may have seemed 'perfect' but do you really have anything to compare it to? Try getting out more and meeting new people and im sure you'll find how beautiful the world is. Maybe it hurts so much because of how things ended. Maybe you only want him back because of how it effects your self-esteem! It hurts so much more if a person leaves you for someone else but not as much if its a mutual decision or feelings 'just change'. As for harming yourself, you wont achieve anything by doing that. You may think that the pain will go but dont give up on life, its to precious to waste! Focus on yourself, im sure that the reason you broke up was nothing to do with you! If you can love one person this much then your an asset to the world, you've got so much love to give- give it to someone who deserves it! Dont be upset about losing him, just remember you have all those memories and things were once good with him, but now you have to move on and make things even better with someone else! Could things really have been that perfect if he didnt love you as much as you loved him? Dont settle for anything less then you deserve, get up and get out there! You'll soon forget all about him, and if not then he'l just be a distant memory! Good-Luck! x
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