A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm torn apart between 2 ridiculous factors: Love and money. At the same time, I'm torn between two guys that I'm currently dating in my life since the end of last year. (Not in an official relationship with any of them)They are both really wonderful guys, with their unique qualities that stand out in different ways. They are both naturally supportive and respectful.I have met and dated them in person, they are both looking for a serious relationship but basically it's long distance at the moment. They both live in different countries from me. L is from Hong Kong and S is from Australia.They are in no way similar to each other, so I feel differently for each of them respectively. But it all boils down into marriage potential. And that has left me puzzled.They are both willing to move to my country if I enter into a serious committed relationship with them, but each outcome has a different set of worries.______________________________________________________I am currently more emotionally invested in L, we have been in touch more often. The more I skyped with him, the more I fall for him. Just gazing into his eyes makes me smile uncontrollably. We've been through various obstacles, which made me feel that we know each other at the back of our hands. To an extent, physical attraction matters to keep a romantic relationship going. And well, he's a heart throb, he lets me feel what it's like to be in love. ------------------------------------------------------S and I seem to click more on a friend level We have skyped and gamed as well. I enjoy his company but I tend to see him more like a friend. We have great chemistry due to our similar personalities but I am still cautious about establishing a deeper emotional connection with him. He tells me about his feelings but I don't dare to make mine vulnerable to him yet.______________________________________________________If I were to put them into key points in regards to marriage potential and other info;L (Hong Kong) is:- 13 years older than me- Similar culture (Asian)- Lower Qualifications- Lower Job Security (Chances are I'll earn more)- Not born with a silver spoon- Have one similar interest, adventurous to try new activities.- Free Thinker (He'll likely convert his faith for me)- Physically attracted (I love him as a man. He gives me the feeling of being in love)*- I am literally myself when I'm with him.*- Language Barrier (We have a common language, Chinese. but we are tiding through this obstacle. His English is improving tremendously while my Chinese is getting fluent. My Cantonese still sucks.)- I am worried about getting along with his friends and family. (Language Barrier and Age Difference. I already know a few of them, we click but still.)- He'll mix well with my family and relatives, but not as good with my friends (since most of them speak ENG) - I can't imagine working in HK for my life (Did an overseas intern-ship there, but didn't like it. I've decided to take an altruistic based career instead of Design, and I don't think I'll thrive well if I'm not fluent Cantonese and Chinese.)*- If he moves to SG, he may have a hard time thriving and getting a job there. (He may end up co-dependant?)*- Different Personality but we complement each other.- Physically Active ------------------------------------------------------S (Australia) is:- Same age as me- Different but adaptable culture- Higher Qualifications - Higher Job Security (IT Security)*- Born with a silver spoon- More similar interests, we click more (Gaming)*- Atheist (Not sure how much of an issue it'll hold.)- Not physically attracted (I love him more as a friend. He's charming but I'm not charmed.)*- I'm a little cautious, trying to keep up appearances.- No Language Barrier - It'll be a breeze to get along with his friends and family.- He'll mix with my friends very well, and on a decent level with my family.- I can imagine working in Australia, since I can do better in Native English Speaking Countries.- If he moves to SG, he can thrive well and get a job*- Similar Personality (As Bubbly and Optimistic as me)- More of a Potato. ______________________________________________________As you can see, if I were to list them on a piece of paper; S shows much potential. At first glance, everyone can see right through him; a sweet bubbly chap that everyone loves.On the other hand, L is someone people tend to like the more they get to know him. (Layers like an onion heh.) If I choose to be with L, I don't know if I'm prepared to walk the same footsteps as my mum; the pressure of being the breadwinner. And the endurance to tide through the obstacles for a potentially fulfilling relationship.He gives me a better sense of emotional security but not financial. (It's actually not that bad, but could be better... In comparison to what I have)I don't think that being with S will be a loveless relationship, but I'd probably miss out on a more romantic and slightly more fulfilling relationship. In time to come, I may be more willing to be vulnerable about my feelings. But physical attraction wise, I can't be sure it'll change.______________________________________________________I'm contemplating thanks to the mixed responses I get from my friends and family. My mum like S more for his bubbly personality and financial security that he brings. A friend of mine preferred S but after knowing L, she can't pick either. But as you can see, I'm currently more inclined towards L since I chose to invest emotionally in him than S. So I am just stuck on a fence; am I willing to tide through obstacles with L or take a tiny sacrifice and get an easy way out with S?Financial Security is a very serious matter that we face in this age. I've seen my mum suffer but she managed to provide us a good quality of life. It's true that I need to question myself that, as its equally important.I don't think S loses out so much in terms of Emotional Security, but I don't know if I can love him as a man, I'd probably love him more as a friend. To me, this is a big obstacle to get by, to be not physically attracted to someone. No sparks seem to fly when I'm with him.(Is it okay to miss out on certain aspects of a romantic relationship? What is true happiness really?)L will be flying here for the first time tomorrow, and in a few months I'll be visiting S with my friends to have clearer gauge of both of them. (I'm equally excited to see them both)But I'll love to hear you guys' opinion on this.Love or Money? Hearing about them, which relationship / marriage will be more fulfilling? I really don't know anymore...
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atheist, different countries, long distance, money, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 I say none, because you don't love any of these guys. I would make them and yourself a favor and would not get involved with any of the two.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 Go for S. You are picturing marriage. In marriage, there are many other factors than love, and love actually matters little for a successful marriage. You need compatibility, and from your list I see you have much more in common with S. The only thing you have in L that is better, is that he brings out the romantic feelings in you. But marriage is not so much about romance, and marriage needs stability and equality, more so than love letters. Romance also has a habit of dying, if you don't know how to nurture it. In my experience, the long lasting relationships have love that grows slowly and gets stronger and stronger. Love that starts with too much, quickly dies out and then there is nothing.
If you are thinking marriage, I believe you should go with stability and equality, that you find more of in S. Love will grow over time with him, and that love will not be any less romantic, it will just be different.
Although, I must say, you are thinking too far ahead. You should date one of them for a longer time and then evaluate. I would first go for S, like I said before, because he shows more potential. You can find many men like L later on, there are many with his aspirations who are sweet talkers and make you feel romance.
Just think, after 20 years of marriage, if your love has died, who would you rather be with? Is love really the only factor that should matter when thinking long term? A marriage can last 20-70 years, I don't know anyone who's managed to stay in love for so long. Most have periods where they are friends, and then maybe fall in love again. Thus, a good friendship is the BEST foundation for a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 Nora has really identified a key truth.If you had truly met the man who resonated on every key area you would no longer have anyone else in your field of vision.When you are with the ONE you feel at peace with the world. There is no one else worth considering. There is no one else who exudes such a sense of calm mixed with excitement of wanting to be with no one else but that person.That said, there is never just ONE person in this world who is your perfect match. But once you do find a perfect match you stop looking for anyone else.Because all is right with the world because you are with the ONE.That said, there is a Chinese saying that a very wise Chinese man told me he advised anyone in his family to keep in mind when contemplating marriage and that is:‘‘The windows of the buildings on either side of the street should be on the same level''Which is supposed to mean that when two people are contemplating marriage they should be on the same level as far as beliefs and values and attitudes and financial assets.If one aspect is out of sync then it can spell trouble later on.Though I will add a western perspective and it is this:When two people are meant to be together then the level of Trust between the two parties must be very high.Each should accept the other entirely and not want to change the other in any way. Wanting to change a person implies some judgement that they are not OK in their current format.When you are meant for each other you love and accept them as they are, warts and all.Loving partners meant for each other have no need for any secrets between each other as they accept each other and accept each other and completely trust each other and fear no judgements from the other.That is not to imply overly naive.Because financial security is important to you I am going to add more than I would normally on this issue.Money is security. but sometimes those closest to another are the very same persons to keep an eye on.I read somewhere that an actress from the 1940 or 1950s called Debbie Reynolds was subject to a financial fraud committed against her by one of her husbands. That is seriously wrong.But people can be too trusting. There should be no secrets, especially not between spouses or partners. That said, we should always take an interest in our own and our joint financial affairs and not just blindly trust another every step of the way to manage our own money. Eventually over time we may be so comfortable that we don't think it matters any more to care about such things. Though even dropping our guard on that may be not in our best interest.That may sound excessively careful, but one hears too often of financial abuse between spouses or partners or between elderly parents and other relatives. Even in old age money can cause issues, such as financial abuse. It is wise to always take an active interest in our own financial affairs.You feel comfortable and relaxed with one guy. That is a good thing. But you are concerned that you may end up being the one who earns more.It depends on how much you trust the guy.I have heard of very successful marriages where the husband earns less than his spouse. Even a marriage where the husband took extended time off work to care for each child born in the marriage while his spouse went straight back to work after each birth. It depends on what you are prepared to settle for.The other guy sounds like more of a friend where you have a relaxed relationship, though perhaps passion is not evident. I can see cracks are likely to appear, especially if he ever feels that you were drawn to him due to the financial security he has to offer.Due to seeing the evidence with my own eyes I hold a belief that when a couple is truly compatible and at peace with each other and a high level of trust exists that they tend to relax and enjoy each other’s company so much that in time they start to look even better. Their attractiveness does not seem to deteriorate nor suffer the ravages of age as quickly as those who are not in a happy relationship.I believe that being in the wrong relationship tenses up the facial muscles. The discomfort of living with the wrong person ages a person prematurely. Tension and distrust and betrayal and hurt start to show via bitterness that affects the face. A tighter tenser smile. Distrusting hurt eyes. Excessive frown lines all etch into skin to tell the world is not well.Laughter lines and a relaxed face able to break out into a sincere smile or even laughter that is genuine is a person who has lived a long and happy life.But a tense pinched face with the mouth turned down into a permanent state of displeasure, while eyes are squeezed almost shut in a state of contempt or almost constant judgement of others and a hard fixed ''smile'' masking passive aggression does not convince the world that that person is happy. Forced insincere laughter helps no one. I believe a face exhibiting all this is sending out a strong signal that they are suffering in a dysfunctional unhappy relationship. People can see through to the pain the person is suffering. The person's face tells a story of hurt and dis-satisfaction being lived by that person.I think you may need to cast your net wider to find the right person.I applaud the way you have examined all your feelings about these two potential life partners.If you ever want to have children then which man would be the best Dad? And which Dad would be the most supportive towards you during any pregnancy? Which guy would be more romantic when it counts?Enough to do nice things with your children and take part in mother’s day preparations?And enough to look after you with lots of care and consideration if you were ever sick?Which husband would you most enjoy looking after in sickness and in health? Would it be an act of love or a chore? Because a relationship is not just about the good times, sometimes a partner is ill and needs your support. Their feelings can be hurt, they can suffer work challenges and they will want your support and consideration during these times.If the complete love and trust and respect is not there it will be so much harder to feel like doing what needs to be done at these times.Marriage is a very big step. You are right to consider it very logically from all the angles. After all your own future happiness and contentment is at stake in this important life choice.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 I know that there are many international marriages in Singapore. Mostly women from poorer Asian countries trying to get a better life. I am guessing the trend is that Singapore men want the docile, submissive, helpless women and your women seem too strong and independent for them. And that's why you feel the competition and you are looking internationally too. I don't know if men want to move to Singapore though. It's already a very crowded country. I know that Australians also can't wait to get out of their country. Happiness is more than just chemistry and being able to speak the same language. You have to cross through cultural barriers, be able to find a job and the complications of obtaining a visa can cause a lot of stress. Unless the men really want to live in Singapore, like, that's the place to be and nowhere else, I wonder if it's really that common for men to move to be with a girl they haven't seen in real life without certain job prospects?
If I have to pick, it's the Australian guy. Money always wins at the end. The in love feelings fade in around two years and then the lack of money issue can age you faster. If I have to pick the admiration of looks or the ability to bring you a comfortable life, it would be the latter.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (13 March 2016):
WOW what a letter,well done you,you seem to have it all down on paper.LOVE OR MONEY,OR TO BE OR NOT TO BE THAT IS THE QUESTION THAT ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER.Just a few thoughts,sometimes when we think we are in love with 2 guy,the question is are we really in-love with either ? This is something i would like you to really think about.Real love is loving ONE person,in that special way and walking the road of life with them Best wishes with your decision .NORA B.
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