A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been at my job for about a 18 months. about 6 months ago, my married boss started badgering me for sex. I emphatically told him I wasnt interested because he had a wife. plus he is not my type-- although i couldnt say that to his face because i thought his feelings would be hurt and then i would jeopardise my job [some men can be childish that way]. He seemed to have backed off until yesterday when he sent me a text message telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. thing is: I dont want to be with him... because he is married [and i believe in karma so dont want to be responsible for his marital problems]..plus at least if he was my type of man there would be something to consider but he is not. I dont know why he has been this persistent considering that I have never given him any indication that i might be interested in him.. mainly because I am not and have never been interested. Meaning i didnt lead him on in anyway. I am just polite and make conversation when need be and treat him no differently from the other men i work with. i am confused! What do i do with this situation? do i pretend like i didnt see the text and go on like i dont know whats going on or do i tell him to stop bothering me [which i have done in the past but he doesnt seem to want to get it]. I love my job and wouldnt want to be forced to quit because of some "horny" man who i know doesnt want me for me. He is only 10 years older than me [37].. so its not like he is too old for me.. but i know that it would never work. whats the best realistic thing to do in this situation?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (8 October 2011):
 As some of the others have mentioned, document everything and save all texts, e-mails. Be specific in your communication; list what he is doing, how it bothers you and what you'd like him to change. How high-ranking is your boss? If he is CEO or President chances are HR won't do anything. If he is simply one manager of many and not important in the grand scheme of things, approach your HR department. Also if I were you, I'd start talking about your significant other. If you don't have one, lie.Make up some relationship and maybe he'll be more likely to back off if he thinks you're having sex with another man. Above all don't be as friendly as you have been. You need to take a bit more of an aggressive stand and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and that you're not interested in him.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Document, like everyone says. You need to make the first line in the sand with documentation to back it up. Once you do that, there is nothing he can do to threaten your job and should he try, it could cost him a lot of money.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Document EVERYTHING, every comment, inappropriate contact, text, email, whatever. You are building a background to take to your boss's supervisor. If he is the ultimate boss, you are making sure that your rights are protected under the law of the UK.
I have an article for you to read that will help give you the legal background for the UK and the laws against sexual harassment.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Workplace_harassment
Be very specific. "I want you to stop making personal comments about being in love with me or anything like that. It is inappropriate, it is sexual harassment and it makes me feel _________. I am documenting and recording all such contacts and I will take it to HR if you do not stop right now. This is me asking you to stop this unwanted, unwelcome and distressing approaches to me. Thank you for your compliance."
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Stop "playing nice" with him and ignoring his advances. Look him straight in they eye and say NO. Let him know that any further approaches on the matter is considered stalking and harrassment.
Tell him, "I want you to treat me as if your wife were watching every action and word every moment of the day."
Keep a record (to yourself) of any futher actions. Date, time, place, details.
Make plans for another job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): As if lifes not hard enough !
Well ignoring him is a start, maybe getting yourelf a new number another option. He clearly thinks he's irrisistable to the female species and he's not really in 'mid-life crisis' yet. You have to smile.
If all else fails then quietly take your phone and show HR or his boss the texts, keep it discreet,professional, let them handle it.You can always take a trusted friend in with you, or a union rep. Better that you get in first rather than risking him getting nasty and saying it's you initiating it all.
Hopefully you ignoring his messages will be enough to end this.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (7 October 2011):
 nothing good will come from it. he is married and he will most likely stay with his family over you , an affair will cause a divorce, or marriage problems. more than likely he is looking for a plaything on the side, and your it. it will cause problems on your job later on. if you want it to stop you will have to persist that he stops , and drop any polite conversation with him.you will have to just stick to business. ask him to stop sending text. do not reply to the text, do not delete the text. if he keeps it up, if he has bosses up the line at your work you could show the text to the most high up person for prof of harassment in the work place.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 October 2011):
 do you have an HR department?
does he have a boss?
I would go to him and calmly tell him to stop it and let him know that if he does not stop it you will have to take it up with HR and possibly HIS boss.
his behavior is UNACCEPTABLE.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 I would just ignore the text, and ignore any further advances he makes. I'm sure he will get bored soon, you have tried telling him to stop and clearly he didnt listen so try ignoring him from now on. Only speak to him when it is work related and be polite, but nothing more than that. Perhaps it may also be a good idea (as long as the phone isnt a work phone) to call your phone provider and get them to block his number? That way he cant send you texts anymore.
If he does continue to be inappropriate and it isnt showing signs of getting better, then you may have to report this to one of your seniors or HR manager. This is classed as harrassment, so dont be afraid just because he is your boss to take it to a more senior person to report him, he shouldnt be acting this way with a member of staff he is supposed to be the manager of, it is inappropriate in the workplace and now you have expressed to him that he should stop and he's ignored your wishes, this has turned into harassment. He is in the wrong and you can do something about it, but you do have to report it.
But if I were you, I would simply ignore him (and block his number) and leave it another month or so to see if he gets the picture. If he still doesnt get it and continues to behave this way then I would report it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): Dear 'Love my job'- Seek an attorney's advice.You may have a HR department to which you should be keeping a log of all his advances & happenings with him. Report him! Don't wait. Then keep great notes so that you can make sure that if he retaliates through poor evaluations & tries to fire you then you have great gounds for a lawsuit. The other covert route could be that you invite his wife for lunch and invite him too. You don't show up. He will be forced to understad that this is who you think he should be with & you want no parts of him other than the working relationship.D.E.B.
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